The saying ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ is quite a well-known phrase, but nobody actually wants to believe it’s true. Anyone who’s ever been cheated on hopes that their partner just had a slipup and is ready to make amends, but that’s not always the case.
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In this story, a woman knowingly got into a relationship with a cheater, and then when he did the same thing to her, she decided to stay married to him. The kicker is that she then reached out to his ex-wife looking for support since he cheated on her, too.
It’s incredibly tough to forgive a cheater, but it might be equally as difficult to forgive their affair partner
Image credits: Nini FromParis / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The poster shared that her ex-husband cheated on her 17 years ago and abandoned her and their daughter to start a life with his mistress
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
He eventually married his mistress, and then after a while, he cheated on her as well, which made her want to reach out to the poster to vent
Image credits: Racool_studio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The lady did not feel any sympathy for her ex-husband’s new wife because the other woman always knew she was marrying a cheater
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
On top of all that, the poster’s mother expected her to be kind and supportive toward the other woman
Image credits: Weekly_Size_407
Image credits: Liza Summer / Pexels (not the actual photo)
In an update post, the woman shared that her mom had also been someone’s affair partner, which is why she had urged her daughter to let her ex’s new wife vent to her
Image credits: Liza Summer / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman reflected on the issue and told netizens that she didn’t feel pity for her ex’s new wife because nobody “manipulated her into doing anything”
Image credits: Blake Cheek / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
She eventually confronted the other lady and explained that their situations were nothing alike and that she should deal with the consequences of her actions
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The man’s new wife did not reach out after that, but from a conversation with him, the poster learned that they were planning on staying together and working on their marriage
Image credits: Weekly_Size_407
Both women had to deal with the consequences of the man’s affairs, while he managed to get off scot-free
It’s obvious from the ex-husband’s repeated affairs and lack of remorse that he isn’t going to stop what he’s doing. Researchers have even found that a person who has cheated in the past is three times more likely to do it again. Maybe the new wife thought she’d be able to change the man, but based on his behavior, it doesn’t seem like a real possibility.
When the mistress-turned-wife got cheated on as well, she struggled to accept the situation and thought of finding companionship with the poster. It’s ironic that being the ‘other woman,’ she felt that it was okay to seek emotional support from someone who she was once complicit in hurting. The OP obviously didn’t want to listen to her vent, but she also struggled to deal with the situation.
To get an expert’s opinion on this, Bored Panda reached out to Tracy Schorn. She is an award-winning blogger and cartoonist, also known as ‘Chump Lady.’ She’s the author of ‘Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life–The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide.’ She also has a podcast called ‘Tell Me How You’re Mighty.’ Her work has helped hundreds of thousands of people leave abusive relationships.
Tracy told us that “there is no latter-day universal sisterhood. If this woman was happy to conspire in your abuse when she was a mistress, she cannot expect your sympathy when she gets cheated on herself. The person who benefits from this association is the former mistress. It’s impression management for her.”
“For the original abandoned wife, you don’t need the validation that your ex cheated on the mistress (although people love that hit of Schadenfreude). It was never about you or the kid; it was about your ex’s [bad] character. She wasn’t special; she was just next,” Tracy explained.
Image credits: Budgeron Bach / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The OP was firmly against the idea of forming a sisterhood with her ex-husband’s wife, but other people, like her mom and a few of her friends, urged her to lend support to the woman. Her mom obviously had an ulterior motive because she had also been someone’s affair partner when she was younger.
Tracy advised the OP not to “go back, [and to] move forward, building your new, improved life without these losers. Have discernment. There are a lot of people in this world more worthy of your friendship and your limited resources of time and emotional labor. I wouldn’t waste it on a person who was once callous to my suffering.”
Unlike the guy in this story, many cheaters don’t actually plan on having affairs and often consider their actions to be wrong. The OP’s ex-husband, though, does not seem to be like that at all. His behavior seems to be that of a serial cheater who believes he’s not doing anything bad or hurting anyone.
We asked Tracy Schorn about her experience with these kinds of people and if they can ever change. She said: “I was once married to a serial cheater. I run a blog with hundreds of thousands of stories of people who’ve left serial cheaters. To cheat repeatedly means you lack empathy and respect for your partner, and you know how to conduct a double life.”
“It doesn’t fill you with stress. It doesn’t tug at your conscience. It doesn’t hurt you to hurt your partner. Cheating is about entitlement. It’s an abusive power dynamic. To change is about humility, doing the hard cleanup work, and painful change. That’s not appealing to a narcissistic person.”
The OP understood that a leopard can’t change its spots and that her ex would never stop having affairs. Luckily, she moved on from him and saved herself and her child from a lifetime of pain.
The new wife has yet to learn that lesson, and unfortunately, she might have to go through a lot more heartbreak before she does (without support from her husband’s ex, of course).
How would you have responded to her request for friendship? Let us know in the comments.
Folks were glad that the woman stood her ground and that the other lady was getting her karma
