"What’s mine is yours, babe!" Many relationships function with an understanding along those lines. My partner lets me borrow his earbuds, and I let him use my blender. We buy groceries together, so it doesn't matter who picked out what at the store, all of the food in our apartment is fair game for both of us. We may purchase items individually, but we live together now, and we're always respectful of all of our things. There’s no need to argue over who owns what.
But every couple does things their own way, and apparently, some do like to draw lines in the sand about what belongs to each person. Earlier this week, one woman reached out on Reddit asking if she was in the wrong for refusing to compensate her husband for "providing" her with a work-from-home office. The office is simply a room in their home that was previously not occupied, but this man has suddenly decided that it warrants paying rent.
Below, you can read the full story, as well as some of the replies from frustrated readers, and an interview with couples therapist Dr. Kathy McMahon. Let us know your thoughts on this story in the comments section, and then if you’re looking for another Bored Panda article featuring drama surrounding spouses’ finances, you can find that right here!
After her husband started demanding compensation for "letting" her use their home office, this woman reached out online for advice
Image credits: Vlada Karpovich (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Emil536775
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Agreeing on how to balance finances in a marriage can be tricky. If one person earns much more than the other, they should not feel expected to give their partner unlimited access to their funds. Partners don’t necessarily even need to disclose exactly how much they make with one another. But once that money has already been spent on things that both parties benefit from, such as a home, appliances, and a Netflix subscription, it seems a bit unfair to be holding those things over the other person’s head. When you love someone, you want to share with them. Love usually makes people more generous, rather than stingy or greedy.
To get an expert opinion on this topic, we reached out to couples therapist Dr. Kathy McMahon to hear her thoughts. "A husband who 'demands' anything needs to reexamine his premises," she told Bored Panda. "Intimate relationships work among equals, not people who boss one another around. They are different from roommates because they invest in each other, and married couples are rewarded for this effort."
"Research studies demonstrate that in contrast to cohabitating couples, married couples have a greater net worth, even when accounting for age," Dr. McMahon noted. "That's because, like two Clydesdale horses pulling a beer wagon, when they work together, they can pull the heaviest load. When they pull in different directions, they get nowhere, or the wagon splits."
Dr. McMahon added that some couples do agree to keep separate financial books, but that does not mean that one person is allowed to tell the other what to do. It's crucial for them to negotiate in an equitable way. "While I am not an attorney, I would imagine that while the house is in his name, if they divorce, the value will be considered a marital asset to split evenly," she told Bored Panda. "If the wife owns a business, there may be some tax implications to her using a home office, and she may want to deduct that portion. That's another consideration. But they call people 'equally yoked', referring to 'well married' for a reason."
Dr. McMahon also shared that Dr. John Gottman found in a study that 65% of American men had trouble accepting influence from their wives. "Husbands that do, however, make out better in the long run," she added. "Men are socialized to pursue influence, respect, and power. They like having it. They like getting it. They are culturally rewarded for achievement, often accumulating influence, respect, and authority in the process. But power without respect is a hollow victory."
"Gottman says that when a husband is not willing to share power with his spouse, there is more than a 4 out of 5 chance that his marriage will implode eventually," Dr. McMahon explained. "You have to both decide what kind of partner you want to have, and what kind of partner you want to be."
"Gottman recommends flexibility around accepting influence. He urges couples to cultivate an appreciation for how you can 'yield to win'," Dr. McMahon told Bored Panda. "By yielding to win, he is describing a negotiated relational space that makes room for influence. Gottman tells men that if you want to have influence… accept influence. It is, by far, the most effective way to engage with your partner."
And when it comes to whether or not our families should be dragged into issues with our spouses, Dr. McMahon says, "Each person's family gets to express their preferences, but if these preferences offend your spouse, it's time to tell your family that this topic of 'off limits'. When everyone handles their own family, and protects their spouse from inappropriate comments, everyone is happier."
"Discuss, negotiate, explore differences. These are the factors that make a marriage successful."
We would love to hear your thoughts on this topic below, pandas. I hope you’ve never found yourself in a similar situation, but if you have, feel free to share any words of wisdom you may have. If you're looking to learn more about how to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner, you can book a session with Dr. Kathy McMahon through Couples Therapy Inc. right here, and if you’re interested in reading another article from Bored Panda discussing similar themes, we recommend checking out this story next.
Readers have assured the woman that she is right to stand her ground, with many calling out the husband for his ridiculous demands
