To have kids or not to have kids—that’s a question every couple faces at some point, and the answer can shape the course of their entire relationship.
This woman thought that she and her husband were on the same page, having discussed children early on. But after 14 years together and 8 years of marriage, he admitted something that shattered her hopes. Now, she’s left questioning everything.
The woman had always dreamed of having children and thought her husband was on the same page
Image credits: djoronimo/Envato (not the actual photo)
But after 14 years together and 8 years of marriage, he admitted something that shattered her hopes
Image credits: DC_Studio/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: KellyRowland
How to talk to your partner about having kids without terrifying them, according to a relationship therapist
Conversations about having children don’t always go as planned, and sometimes, they fail to reveal a partner’s true intentions. But addressing it is necessary—avoiding the topic altogether can lead to even greater disappointment and heartbreak if your views don’t align.
However, knowing when and how to bring it up can be daunting. To help navigate this sensitive subject, sex and relationship therapist Rachel Wright shared some advice with Insider on how to approach it without overwhelming your partner.
The first and most important tip? Don’t wait too long. “Having kids can be a dealbreaker, and it's important to talk about dealbreakers as soon as possible—when you know you’d like to date this person consistently,” Wright said.
That said, people evolve, and so do their perspectives on parenthood. If your feelings change over time, it’s just as essential to communicate those thoughts openly and honestly.
“It’s really important to remember that things change all the time and what you want when you first start dating someone is not necessarily what you will want three years from then,” Wright explained.
Image credits: mariiaplosh/Envato (not the actual photo)
In today’s digital world, it might feel easier to bring up the subject via text or phone call—but this is a conversation that should happen face-to-face, Wright insists. No matter how well you articulate your thoughts in writing, misunderstandings are more likely when emotions are involved. Giving your partner the respect of an in-person discussion ensures clarity and prevents unnecessary confusion.
Be careful about the language you use in the process. “There’s a difference between saying, ‘I want kids at some point in my life’ and ‘I want kids in the next two years,’” Wright said. “Be very intentional with your language when having this conversation.”
Remember, just because you and your partner get along well doesn’t mean you automatically share the same desires when it comes to children. “There are people who love children and are great with children who don't want to have any of their own and others that aren’t great with kids or don't love kids that do want their own, and everything in between of course,” Wright said. “The point is to not assume until talked about directly.”
Finally, the conversation shouldn’t just be about whether or not you want children—it should also include how you envision having them. Would you want to conceive naturally? Consider adoption? What does parenthood look like to you? These are important factors to discuss upfront.
“Let them know you’re super into them, you love how things are going, and you'd love to know what they see in the future for themselves in terms of relationship, kids, living, etc,” Wright said. “It’s a great opportunity to talk about other things other than kids about the future, too.”
Readers sympathized with the woman’s struggles
And some chimed in with their own stories
A few, however, felt the husband’s hesitation was understandable
