Cheating is always awful when you’re on the receiving end. It’s even worse when it involves one of your siblings. The ‘keep it in the family’ rule definitely doesn’t apply here. It can divide the whole extended family and make repairing previously close relationships nearly impossible.
The author of this story found out her husband was cheating on her with her own sister. Naturally, her first inclination was anger and contempt at both cheating parties. But, because her family had different opinions about her reactions, she decided to ask the Internet’s opinion.
Bored Panda sought the opinion of Clinical Psychologist Forrest Talley, Ph.D. He was kind enough to tell us more about how infidelity in the family can feel different and how the people involved might move on.
More info: Forrest Talley
A spouse’s infidelity can be even more hurtful when there’s another family member involved
Image credits: George Milton (not the actual photo)
The OP of this story asked the Internet whether she was the jerk for wanting to divorce her husband who made out with her sister
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
Image source: LeatherShake1769
When such a huge betrayal comes from another family member, it causes double the pain
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A situation like this causes double the pain for the one who gets cheated on. The betrayal is not only from the husband but from the sister as well, especially when you're that close. The OP writes, "Usually, if we needed to talk, we turned to each other," so they must have been close.
Clinical Psychologist Forrest Talley tells Bored Panda that the betrayal in such situations becomes two times more heartbreaking. "All infidelity involves a betrayal of trust. When infidelity includes a close family member, then trust is doubly broken. By one's spouse and also by the sister, brother, cousin, etc. This is an even greater burden for the one who has been betrayed," Talley says.
The previously good relationship between the sisters makes the situation even more complicated. "This hurt will be much worse if the familial relationship between the one who was betrayed and the one who committed infidelity was especially close or very competitive," Talley explains.
Sometimes, the siblings might have a relationship that resembles a rivalry. If there's competitiveness, "the ego is even more bruised than it otherwise would be," Talley says. "The betrayed individual feels even worse as he/she concludes that once again their competitor has won."
Maintaining a relationship with that sibling will probably be very difficult
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Talley says that the best bet for those who want to salvage a relationship after infidelity is couples counseling. "The one who was unfaithful is unlikely to want to take full responsibility for their actions and subsequently do what is necessary to salvage the relationship," the clinical psychologist explains.
"After all, they have already shown their lack of commitment, and this tepid desire to do the hard work to remain faithful then carries over to a lukewarm effort put into saving the relationship." A couples counselor can guide the couples through this conflict and give them the best chance to move forward, Talley says.
"When a family member has been unfaithful, it will be especially important to come to peace with that relationship. You can divorce a spouse, leave a significant other, but a family member is connected by multiple familial relationships that you would not want to sever in order to gain distance."
"There will be family get-togethers, birthday parties, Christmas celebrations, and more wherein both of you are likely to be in attendance. So in this regard, it is important to resolve your feelings of anger, hurt, and betrayal," Talley emphasizes.
"To do this, approach that person when you have the self-discipline to remain calm," Talley advises. "Make a list of the most important questions you have that need to be answered, in order for you to feel that you have a clear sense of what motivated them and how it was that they decided to betray you. Also, decide what it is you wish to say to them – this is your chance to assert yourself."
Talking with a sibling who betrayed you like this likely won't help to heal. Talley says that it's more for gaining clarity. "With clarity, healing may occur, but it is just as likely that you will conclude that this family member is not someone who will any longer be part of your innermost circle. In that case, you are best served by treating them cordially but keeping them at a distance."
However, evidence shows that most marriages end after one partner chooses to cheat
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Forrest Talley says research shows that, in most cases, infidelity ends a relationship. "This makes perfect sense," he says. "Why stay in a relationship wherein your spouse or significant other has shown themselves to be untrustworthy?"
"Although some may reply that 'It was a one-time lapse in judgment,' this idea does not align with research showing that those who cheat once are three times more likely than their non-cheating counterparts to continue to be unfaithful."
"With this in mind, it is most often best to separate from someone who has been unfaithful," Talley adds. "Fear of the unknown is a primary obstacle that keeps people from separating and building a new future."
"As with most fears, the key to moving forward is to take action in spite of your worries. Having done so, you will very quickly feel more confident and optimistic about the future."
The OP provided more details in the comments
The opinion from the commenters was unanimous: the OP is not the jerk here
