There are many important conversations that are necessary for couples to have before they decide to tie the knot. Where do you want to live? Do you want to have children? Will it bother you if I eat dinner with my elbows on the table every evening for the rest of our lives?
If you’re on the same page as your partner, making the choice to get married can seem like a no-brainer. But what if your views change later down the line? One woman recently shared a story on Reddit detailing how her husband went behind her back to get a vasectomy after deciding that he didn’t want any more kids. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as a conversation with President and Founder of Couples Therapy Inc., Dr. Kathy McMahon.
This woman and her husband always planned on having a big family
Image credits: sedrik2007 (not the actual image)
So she was shocked to find out that he went behind her back and got a vasectomy
Image credits: Helena Lopes (not the actual image)
Image credits: Dimaberlin (not the actual image)
Later, the woman added more details about the situation and responded to some of the replies she read
Image credits: Capable_Goal_6116
A vasectomy can be a great choice for couples who have agreed they don't want to have children
Having children certainly isn’t for everyone. Kids are expensive, can easily take up all of your time, and they deserve to be showered with ample love and affection. If you’re not meant to be a parent, there is nothing wrong with that! And to ensure you don’t become a father, it might be best to have a vasectomy.
Dr. Michael Read says a vasectomy can be a great choice, as it's a minor procedure with very little risk of complication, and men recover from it quickly. After recovering, there won’t be any need for men to use condoms with their partners (as long as they don’t have any STIs or STDs), and there won’t be any pressure on female partners to be on some form of birth control.
Vasectomies also typically cost much less than a tubal ligation would for women, as they usually come out to around $1,000 while women can spend up to $8,000 to get their tubes tied. Plus, vasectomies are often reversible. According to the Mayo Clinic, vasectomies can be successfully reversed in between 60% to 95% of cases. Now, the decision to have a vasectomy in the first place, or to later get one reversed, should not be taken lightly. But it’s nice to have the peace of mind that it’s a reliable form of birth control that doesn’t necessarily have to be permanent.
The issue in this story, however, has nothing to do with vasectomies themselves and everything to do with how this man went about getting one. To gain more insight into this heartbreaking situation, Bored Panda reached out to psychologist, sex therapist and President and Founder of Couples Therapy Inc., Dr. Kathy McMahon, who was kind enough to share her perspective.
"This gal had her life dreams crushed, and lost her marriage all in one fell swoop. The details are poignant only insofar as she feels the need to go into such detail, as if to justify herself," the expert says. "She doesn't. If her story is as she has portrayed it, she'll have a lot of grieving ahead of her. I certainly wouldn't tell her how to carry on with her life, whether or not to stay with Chris, but I will tell you this: This is a man who is capable of a dramatic and well-planned deception, with little care for the impact of his actions. They are self-serving, and he wants to have two options, but he only gets one."
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"Life throws you curveballs, and to pretend it isn't happening is not only delusional, it's also a marriage killer"
Dr. McMahon noted that it's possible the husband kept this information to himself in an attempt to keep his marriage intact. "He didn't want the marriage to end, didn't want more children, so he robbed her of her beloved choice. I've worked clinically with people like she describes, and it never ends well," she explained.
Clearly, this man did not go about telling his wife he didn't want more children the right way. But according to Dr. McMahon, conversations like this will never be easy. "There is no 'best way' to tell your spouse that the vision of an ideal life, an imagined dream you once shared is no longer a mutual dream," she shared. "It sucks when that happens. And when you are honest and face into it together, it is a painful and repeated set of long conversations (read: 'arguments') that no one wants. But life throws you curveballs, and to pretend it isn't happening is not only delusional, it's also a marriage killer."
"Religious people lose their belief in God. The dream of that B&B in the country gets dropped for a high-rise city apartment," the expert continued. "You give up a corporate salary to become a woodworker, or your woodworking to become a corporate exec. And your spouse is there to witness it, sometimes shocked by it, sometimes in begrudging respect for the fact that you are doing such a good job 'being you.' Remaining true to who you really are, instead of pretending you are someone else."
Unfortunately, sometimes spouses cannot join their partners in their new dreams. "It would require them to give up something in themselves to give up on that dream they have," Dr. McMahon noted. "[But other times], they want the dream of staying with you more than any other dream they can imagine. It's not a dream if you're not in it."
When it comes to having children, the relationship expert says that not deciding actually is making a decision. "The three years he robbed her of, she could have been dating to find a man who truly embraced her dream, or would have the courage to change his mind to her face. But at least then she'd have two babies," she says.
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual image)
"A truly loving man would come, heartbroken, because he would realize how pained he would make his wife by sharing with her that he wanted no more children"
But Dr. McMahon isn't without sympathy for the husband in this situation. "His wife still has choices about how she would like to proceed with her decision to have more children, but he is stuck with himself," she pointed out. "And without a lot of deep soul searching and painful growing up, Chris will continue to believe that he can steal other people's choices if he no longer agrees with them. And that is what he tried to do: He tried to steal her choice, her decision."
"This is not love. A truly loving man would come, heartbroken, because he would realize how pained he would make his wife by sharing with her that he wanted no more children," the expert says. "She would struggle with the nightmare of a decision to stay with the man she loves and give up her dream, or leave him. We don't know what she might have finally decided, because, as I've already said, he tried to rob her of that decision. She might have chosen him, we don't know. A man with such integrity is a man worth loving well. They may have made a decision that could have met their separate needs in a creative way neither could dream up, without the exploration."
Dr. McMahon told Bored Panda that the damage that's been done to this marriage is likely irreversible. "She can try to glue the pieces of that Humpty Dumpty marriage back together again, but it will never be the same. With a lot of marital help, they might be able to move past it, to get to a completely different place where snooping on a phone is never a thought; where they come to each other first when they have suspicions. But if she has the stomach for it, it will take a great deal of time and money with a skilled couples therapist. And tick-tock, tick-tock, her dream is slipping away."
The expert does not think it would be wise for this woman to try to convince her husband to have more children or reverse his vasectomy. "Certainly not. He made himself clear on that point," she noted. "She might be able to bully him into it, but what would she end up with if she did?"
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual image)
Feel free to share your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Then, if you’re interested in checking out another Bored Panda article discussing similar relationship drama, look no further than right here.
Readers poured out support for the mother in the replies, and many called out her husband for refusing to communicate
