Going on vacation should be one of the highlights of your year. Finally, you get to take a break from work and explore a new place without any of the responsibilities that plague you at home. You can sleep in without worrying about getting to the office on time, and you’ll get to enjoy uninterrupted, quality time with your loved ones. That is, if they include you in their vacation plans…
One mother recently reached out to Mumsnet to find out if she had the right to be upset about the vacation that her in-laws started planning without her. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as conversations with Amy Morrison, founder of Pregnant Chicken, and Lisa Hides, creator of I Hide From My Kids.
This mother has never spent more than a few hours away from her son
Image credits: Sarah Chai (not the actual photo)
But now, her in-laws are planning to take him on a trip while she has to stay home and work
Image credits: PNW Production (not the actual photo)
Image source: Staywildandwander
Later, the mother responded to readers and provided more background information
"Everything from feeding to other caregiver competence will play a huge factor in whether or not a child can be without their primary caregiver"
Image credits: Marcell Pálmai (not the actual photo)
Spending time away from your child for the first time is nerve-wracking for any parent. Whether you’re leaving them at daycare, with a babysitter or at Grandma and Grandpa’s, it can be difficult to relax. What if he starts crying because he misses his mommy? What if they feed him something that he’s allergic to? And how can I focus on anything else when I’m away from him?
To find out more about this situation and how to prepare children for a trip with their grandparents, we got in touch with a couple of parenting experts, Amy Morrison, founder of Pregnant Chicken, and Lisa Hides, creator of I Hide From My Kids. First, we wanted to find out what age is typically old enough to go on a vacation without Mom and Dad.
"It will vary widely when a child can go on vacation without their primary caregiver. Everything from feeding to other caregiver competence will play a huge factor in whether or not a child can be without their primary caregiver," Amy shared.
Lisa pointed out that parenting is a series of decision-making and hoping for the best. "Sometimes it's small stuff, like trying out a new recipe, and then there's the big stuff, like which high school they should go to. In my case, it's sending my preteen on the bus and hoping that he remembered to head south instead of north," she told Bored Panda.
"The best we can do is provide our children with love, safety, and as many life experiences as possible, and help them practice the skills they'll need to thrive in this crazy world." But Lisa noted that most kids are born ready for an experience like this. "I say most because there are always exceptions. But kids are resilient and curious about the world around them. The baby is ready," she shared.
In this case, it's more about whether the mother is prepared to be away from her son than whether or not he can be without her
"The question is, is the primary caregiver? It sure sounds like she isn't," Lisa says. "What I would say to the primary caregiver is that their baby is too young to remember this trip, but providing the Dad with the opportunity to rise to the challenge of stepping up as the primary caregiver, enjoying intimate time with their baby and the grandparents, well, that's a special and unique opportunity that may change his comfort level as a parent early on, and serve them well as a unit over the many years ahead."
So how can parents set boundaries with grandparents who insist on going on a trip or taking the kids on an outing that the parents aren't comfortable with?
Amy says that communication is key in situations like this. "What specifically is making you uncomfortable? Are there ways to address it? If concerns can't be addressed, then it's perfectly reasonable to set the boundary and say 'no'. The important communication needs to happen with your partner, so you can collectively decide how you will handle it with the in-laws," she shared.
Lisa also recommends that parents practice saying no. "It is a difficult but necessary life skill. What I've learned is that because we are consistent and united with our boundaries, the parents/in-laws respect them. There's no pushback anymore. So practice early and often and together. My in-laws love suggesting we get together for a BBQ. Only, here's the fun part: they're not the ones who own a BBQ. Sorry, we're busy!"
"Parents need to support each other's choices and boundaries, even if behind the scenes they don't necessarily agree"
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
In this case, the parents and grandparents all need to be on the same page prior to the trip. While a vacation with grandparents can be an incredible experience, Amy noted that it's important that everyone has realistic expectations about how it will go. "How familiar are grandma and grandpa with your child's routine? Have they spent any time with them alone? Is it worth doing a test run with a sleepover or a weekend to see where the problems might be?"
"Two issues need to be addressed here: the conflict with your partner and in-laws, and figuring out if your child can do this," Amy shared. "Your concerns are not unreasonable and need to be acknowledged by your partner. You both have 12 months to figure out a reasonable solution, and it's doable if everyone keeps an open mind and keeps your son's well-being as the main priority."
"We are pretty clear on our stance around limiting junk food, screen time, following sleep routines, etc.," Lisa added. "We remind them of the consequences; dysregulation, illness, etc. So many times, though, we've left the kids with the grandparents and learned that they threw all that out the window. Often, it means we are receiving [grumpy], cranky kids, and with that in mind, we don't always accept their offers."
"We decide when it will work for us based on what else we've got going on," the mom says. "It has been so special to watch the grandparents develop their own relationships with each of our kids because we have stepped out of the way when we are able."
Finally, Lisa wants to remind readers that parenting is hard. "There are infinite ways that parents may diverge in opinion. In matters relating to the parents/in-laws, parents need to support each other's choices and boundaries, even if behind the scenes they don't necessarily agree. No throwing each other under the bus. So start there. Work on shared decision-making and mutual respect. Show the parents that you are a strong unit. Go to bat for each other."
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this mother is being reasonable? Feel free to weigh in, and then if you’d like to check out another Bored Panda article discussing similar issues, look no further than right here!
Some readers supported the mom and assured her that her concerns were valid
However, some others thought that she was being unreasonable
And some understood where she was coming from, but noted that her husband is perfectly capable of watching their son
