MIL Keeps Criticizing Daughter’s Performances Right To Her Face, Family Drama Ensues When Mom Tells Husband To Stop Inviting Her

Some grandmas can be brutally honest and go straight to the point without considering the heavy weight their words carry. Sadly, this behavior sometimes leads to them completely erasing the line that shouldn’t be crossed. A few days ago, Reddit user vertical-shift-1967 took her story to the AITA community to ask for guidance after an argument with her husband and mother-in-law.

The user and her partner have a 13-year-old daughter who plays the piano and sometimes participates in plays and recitals outside of school. The part that’s troubling the user is that her spouse always invites his mother to every single one of the girl’s performances. "Not saying he shouldn't — BUT many times she'd put my daughter down and point out where she 'messed up' and what she needed to work on," the user wrote.

So the woman decided it was time to put an end to her daughter feeling miserable and unsure of her own abilities. She told her husband the grandmother should stop attending their daughter’s plays unless she quits giving "constructive criticism" right to her face. However, imagine the user's surprise when her husband sided with his mother. Continue scrolling to find out the whole story and be sure to share your thoughts about it in the comments.

To learn more about how to better deal with such incidents and why so often family members tend to be our worst critics, we reached out to Judy Bartkowiak, a family therapist, coach, and author of Understanding Children and Teens: A Practical Guide for Parents, Teachers and Coaches. She told Bored Panda that we cannot control what others do, "especially not critical grannies!"

The therapist suggested it would be better to find another way to tackle the issue rather than exclude the grandmother. "Instead, try 'Mother, we really appreciate you taking the time to attend our daughter’s performances and it’s really helpful for her to know what she did well as she’s already so self-critical. This would be so helpful, maybe for the next piece, listen for what you liked in particular'."

This is what the therapist calls a "feedback sandwich", and it also focuses on the behavior you prefer rather than concentrating on things you don’t want. "What we focus on, we notice more, and therefore we actually encourage it," Bartkowiak explained.

As the woman wrote in her post, the girl takes her grandmother’s words to heart and is often left feeling upset. The therapist guessed such behavior could relate to the lady’s own childhood, or it could be nerves. "But more likely, it is what we call in NLP [Neuro-linguistic programming] a 'mismatch pattern' where we naturally notice what’s wrong."

"You’ll find this in scientists particularly because that’s what makes them good surgeons, doctors, etc. because they pay attention to what’s wrong," Bartkowiak added. "Instead of being critical back — think of a way to ease her into more of a matching pattern but do it gently as she may really not be aware of how it’s impacting your daughter." She advised that people should be on the lookout for the positive intention and assume there is one.

When asked why the husband sided with his mother on this issue, the family therapist mentioned he’s "possibly used to this pattern and knows she means no harm and loves her granddaughter."

Bartkowiak added that the grandmother seems attentive and wants to be helpful. "Her son needs to gently point out that whilst he appreciates she’s trying to show her love by being helpful, we all learn differently. Some learn by wanting to correct what they got wrong and others learn by doing more of what they got right," she said and added that his mother probably fails to realize her granddaughter learns differently. "Once she realizes and focuses on what she’s done well, all will be well."