Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. You may meet a couple whose lifestyle is completely different from yours, but as long as all parties involved are happy, who is anyone else to judge?
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One woman whose marriage is challenging traditional norms recently hopped on Reddit to detail just how beneficial being in a polyamorous relationship has been for her. Below, you’ll find her full explanation of why the arrangement suits her family, as well as a conversation with Natalie Loveleen, author of My Journey To Polyamory And Back.
When her husband pushed for an open marriage, this woman was hesitant
Image credits: Polina Zimmerman (not the actual photo)
But years later, she’s realized that there are plenty of upsides to their arrangement
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Image credits: Alex Gállego (not the actual photo)
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Image credits: J carter (not the actual photo)
"Polyamory can be sustained for a long time when the couple is deciding to open from a place of abundance, not lack, when both partners are excited about the idea"
To learn more about what it’s like to be in a polyamorous relationship, we reached out to Natalie Loveleen, creator of Redefining Love and author of My Journey To Polyamory And Back. Natalie shared that there are two main reasons why couples typically go from monogamous to polyamorous: some critical component is missing in their current relationship and they are [subconsciously] trying to find a more compatible partner; or their primary relationship is very secure and they have an ability and desire to give love to and connect with others in addition to their primary partner. “I think polyamory can be sustained for a long time only in the second scenario, when the couple is deciding to open from a place of abundance, not lack, when both partners are excited about the idea,” Natalie told Bored Panda. “And even then there are a few prerequisites for a polycule to survive.”
When it comes to what makes a successful polyamorous relationship, Natalie says there are a few common traits that happy, healthy polyamorous relationships have in common. They are committed to always prioritizing their relationship, they are honest with each other and themselves, they appreciate and respect each other, and many of them have done a lot of work to accept and love themselves. “Openness to self-reflection, willingness to look at your own shadows, and unconditional self-acceptance all seem to be a prerequisite to loving and accepting anyone else,” Natalie shared.
Some of the benefits Natalie says people can experience in polyamorous relationships are improved communication and more appreciation for loved ones. And in her own experience, Natalie says being in a poly relationship forced her to learn to be open and honest about her needs. An open marriage has also taught her the difference between genuine love and attachment. “Grasping onto people and things that make me happy is not really love,” Natalie noted. “But wanting people to be their happiest selves and to experience their lives to the fullest is the highest manifestation of love I can bestow.”
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Open relationships require healthy communication and defined boundaries
When it comes to what couples should understand before opening their relationships up to polyamory, Natalie says there are several signs that a couple is probably not ready to open up their relationship. If one partner is strongly opposed to opening up, that can be a sign to hold off. “Both partners have to be on board if they are interested in ethical non-monogamy,” Natalie told Bored Panda. If there are unresolved communication issues, if either partner doesn’t feel safe to share their deepest thoughts and fears with the other, that can be another sign a couple isn’t quite ready.
“I struggled with this for years: I didn’t want to share anything that might have upset my partner,” Natalie shared. “I believed that I was helping our relationship by ‘protecting’ them from the inconvenient truth of my dissatisfaction. And, being conflict-avoidant, I was scared of their potential reaction to my truth. It was not a healthy pattern that led to our eventual separation. Since then, I have learned that the best course of action in any situation is to stay honest with myself and share my truth with the people in my life. Especially with loved ones. Relationships built on complete honesty and open communication tend to last much longer.”
A few more signs that couples are not ready for non-monogamy are if anyone is afraid of needles (being careful about sexual health and testing regularly is important), if either person can’t imagine their partner being intimate with someone else, if someone is unwilling to accept the risk of their partner finding a new primary partner, and if someone expects polyamory to fix issues in their relationship.
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
"Polyamory is related to sexuality in some ways, but for me, it’s mostly about my emotional connections with others"
We were also curious about what polyamory means to Natalie, as well as what it does not mean. “For me, polyamory means freedom to ethically explore feelings and meaningful connections with more than one person and the possibility of loving multiple people at the same time,” she shared. “It is not a reason to sleep around with anyone who’s willing. I value emotional and spiritual connection higher than just great sexual chemistry, although combining all three is a winning combination. Usually building that kind of deep connection takes a while, just like it does in any other type of relationship.”
“It is not a way to avoid commitment,” Natalie continued. “It is not an excuse to cheat. It is not a fix for a dysfunctional relationship. It does not mean wild orgies every night. Polyamory is related to sexuality in some ways, but for me, it’s mostly about my emotional connections with others.”
“It is not a way to avoid getting emotionally attached to someone. This is different from commitment. Commitment is when I consciously choose to devote some of my energy, time, and life to someone else for an extended period of time,” Natalie explained. “Attachment is when I cling to others out of fear of losing them. It happens as often in my poly life as it did before I accepted this part of me.”
“I would suggest doing a lot of research before diving into the world of non-monogamy”
“Most importantly, polyamory is not a utopia where everyone is always happily singing kumbaya and sharing free love,” Natalie added. “Multiple relationships come with multiple problems, multiple conflicts, nuances, and complexities of dealing with various personalities. The intricacy of these interactions has been the largest catalyst of my personal growth.”
“I still believe that polyamory can work in rare occasions, but in most cases, people approach it without a deep understanding of what it entails and the risks they are taking on,” Natalie shared. “I would suggest doing a lot of research before diving into the world of nonmonogamy.” If you’d like to learn more about Natalie or polyamory, be sure to check out her book My Journey To Polyamory And Back or her blog Redefining Love.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas, but please remember to be respectful. And if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing open marriages, look no further than right here!
Readers shared mixed opinions on the relationship, but the woman assured them that she's happy with the arrangement
