When you’re in a long-term romantic relationship with someone, it’s meant to be an equal partnership with a foundation of trust, good communication, and mutual respect. When you’re married, have kids, and have a shared home, you pitch in as needed instead of ‘keeping score.’ You’re a team. You’re on the same side. Or, well, you’re supposed to be. Unfortunately, some individuals interpret fundamentally emotional things very mechanically and transactionally.
An anonymous mom, who recently had a baby, went viral after asking the Mumsnet online community for advice on a truly bizarre situation at home. She revealed that her husband has been calculating how much money she “owes him” for while she was on maternity leave and contributing less to the family budget. If you’re feeling confused or frustrated, you’re not the only one. Read on for the story in full and the advice other parents gave the woman.
Couples are supposed to be a team. However, when someone starts turning the relationship into something transactional, it's bound to lead to resentment
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An anonymous mom was flabbergasted when her husband said she "owes him" for contributing less to the family budget while she was on maternity leave
Image credits: FabrikaPhoto (not the actual photo)
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Even when both partners earn similar amounts of money, women are often saddled with more responsibilities at home
CNN reports that even in equal relationships where both partners earn similar amounts of money at work, women are still left doing more at home. “Even as financial contributions have become more equal in marriages, the way couples divide their time between paid work and home life remains unbalanced,” a study conducted by the Pew Research Center found.
“Husbands in egalitarian marriages spend about 3.5 hours more per week on leisure activities than wives do. Wives in these marriages spend roughly 2 hours more per week on caregiving than husbands do and about 2.5 hours more on housework.”
On the one hand, things like fairness and being on the same page in terms of finances are very important. If you constantly have to sacrifice everything while your partner does nothing, it’s bound to result in a buildup of resentment over the months and years. Furthermore, if you have wildly different financial goals and attitudes to work, saving, and investing, you’ll probably end up arguing a ton.
On the other hand, fairness requires as much objectivity as possible, not just subjective perspectives that benefit you and you alone. We’ll be blunt: when you have children and one of you is on parental leave, nitpicking who contributed what specific amount of money to the family budget each month is bonkers.
You cannot (and arguably should not) quantify what a person’s efforts in pregnancy, childbirth, and childcare are in terms of cold hard cash. It turns a magical event (the birth of your child) and the entire relationship into something transactional and—ironically—sterile. But if your partner tells you that you “owe” them for contributing less to the budget because you were busy carrying, birthing, and raising both of your children, you may want to remind them that your contributions to the family have been invaluable.
In these sorts of cases, it might be best to reach out to a certified couple's counselor for advice
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Aside from having a few heart-to-heart conversations about how this sort of cold, calculating mentality negatively affects you, you may also want to consider going to couples counseling. A good therapist with a background in married couple dynamics can, hopefully, reframe the entire situation in a way that empowers you.
If your partner suddenly starts calculating who brings in how much money, if this is completely out of character for them, it can potentially be a very weird reaction to the stress of parenthood. Maybe it’s a breakdown. Or maybe you’re just now seeing them for who they really are as an individual, what their values are, and where their priorities lie. Inevitably, you start calculating what they’re contributing to the relationship, too. Not just in terms of their wage, but also the housework, childcare, etc.
It would be callous to suggest divorcing someone when you don’t even know the people involved personally, but this sort of situation is a good wake-up call to reevaluate your relationship. Have those tough conversations. Arguing too much is toxic, but not arguing at all about anything can be just as bad if you avoid tackling genuine problems.
If you want to continue down the same path as a team, you’ll need to get on the same page. Neither partner should make the other person feel guilty for doing their parenting duties.
Your relationship with your career is going to change when you have kids. That’s a fact. Perfect equality is very rare, but what you can have is equity. One partner might take on slightly more chores if they’re a full-time parent or work remotely (whether fully or part-time). The other person might then focus on bringing in more money, but they’ll also pitch in at home as needed.
When dividing up the chores at home, it really helps if you approach things from the perspective of who doesn’t mind doing what. If you don’t mind doing the dishes, you could tackle that chore more often than your partner while they focus on vacuuming or cooking, things that they enjoy. At the end of the day, though, if you continuously ‘keep score’ about everything, you’re going to end up frustrated and will annoy your partner.
Couples tend to fight most often about money, intimacy, chores, and annoying habits
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Forbes explains that, based on self-determination theory, people have three basic psychological needs in their day-to-day lives. These are the need for autonomy, competence, and relatedness. If these needs are unmet, they can lead to frustration, and a lack of motivation, increase the frequency of conflicts, and will impact your intimate relationships.
Meanwhile, Brides magazine states that the most common sources for arguments in relationships are money, intimacy, chores, and ‘the little things.’ For instance, money is directly tied to feelings of power and autonomy. Your trust in your partner can quickly go downhill if one person’s too cheap, the other’s spending too much, or someone’s hiding their expenses.
When it comes to intimacy, things like compassion, honesty, and compatibility are absolutely vital. You have to have the courage to be honest about your wants and needs without feeling like you’re judging your partner. It’s an embarrassing topic to tackle, but your health and happiness depend on it.
Housework is also a common source of conflict when one partner constantly takes on more responsibilities than the other. Another factor that can affect the health of your relationship is the collection of annoying habits that your partner has. Nobody’s perfect. Everybody’s human. We all have our quirks. But if some habits constantly annoy you, you should talk to your partner about it (again, without judging them). Then again, not every little annoying thing needs to be addressed. You need to be willing to embrace some of them for the wonderful little imperfections they are.
What advice would you give the new mom? How do you think she should approach the situation with her husband? How would you react if your partner suddenly started talking about how much you “owed” them for while you were busy being a parent? What’s your approach to earnings and housework in your relationship? Let us know in the comments.
The author shared a bit more context about her situation in the comments of her post
Many internet users were honestly shocked by what they read. Here's the advice they gave the woman
