We all wear masks. For the longest time, I've been obsessed with the concept of wearing a mask. In nearly every culture, masks exist in some form. For this series, I asked participants to provide a quote relating to a mask that they personally wear. I had grand plans to take this series out to 100 participants, but then life and client work distracted me. I'm hoping that sharing here on a more public platform might re-invigorate me to pick up where I left off.
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"I'm not as tough as I appear, and I'm truly a very sensitive person." - David
“On motherhood: ‘Is my best the best?’” - Jessica
“As a firefighter, I’m proud that I protects people for a living, yet I quietly fear not being able to protect and provide for my own children.” - Danny
"As I get older, I find myself becoming less and less vulnerable and more reserved. Not in fear that others will judge me or not like what I have to say, but in fear that I will judge myself. Sometimes the sound of my own voice feels so unfamiliar...out of reach and that is something that terrifies me. Not fully being able to grasp who I am, who I want to be...where I'm going." - Anonymous
"I have never liked my body. Learning to be comfortable in my own skin continues to be the single most difficult lesson in my life to overcome, especially in the face of grief and loss. The mask I wear is one of bravery. I use it to hide my insecurities, discomfort and my emotional turmoil." - Jennifer
"I’m tired of being a 'tough cookie' and just 'getting through this.' I’m tired of enduring until I crumble into indecipherable bits of something that used to matter. I want to feel. To breathe. To just BE - knowing that we can only ever be whole through brokenness and, somehow, truly, my pieces are still beautiful." - Katrina
"I'm terrified of being misunderstood. I want to spread good, love, joy, passion, but I want people to know that I'm hurting, too. I hide behind a mask of pain because I don't know how to express myself. Because I'm scared I will be mediocre. That I won't live up to what I want for myself." - Marissa
My modesty has long since masked my femininity and sexuality -- and I've lived in fear of others seeing the flaws that I see in myself and in my body. With my fear comes my shame, and as I confront it, I dispel it. And piece by piece, I find my fear being replaced by strength." - Sam
"Whenever I'm in a new situation, I put on a mask to try to be who I think everyone else wants me to be. Because I'm afraid if I'm just myself, they won't like me. They won't 'get' me. I wish I was secure enough to just be me." - Natalya
"I wear this mask to shield what I feel are my imperfections, as I do when I mark my body with ink to distract myself and others from what can be perceived as not beautiful." - Savannah
"I wear a mask of helping others because it allows me to still connect with people while not getting too close." - Anonymous
"I hide behind the mask of glitter and lace. Behind it may not be as pretty, but it's a whole lot more real." - Tricia
"Holding onto hope that one-day, For more than a moment it will be okay, The game we call life will come into play. The potential to look in any direction around you, Knowing and holding true; Always and forever this is your world too. Having strength to at any time turn your head, Not even for a moment worrying what will be said, Ridding finally all that nonsense society has fed. Finding it within, its time for myself I take control, My ambitions to be a person, who is kind, who is whole, The next step, I know now - all I must do is play my role. Not seen in a movie, nor read in a book; I slowly open my eyes and just take a look. Looking to where I have been, Holding onto where I am, Striving to make a difference in where I will be. So often a metaphorical shield we may hold, The walls I’ve built from the negative words been told, It’s time to let down my armor and just see life unfold. Looking to the roses while in the light they shine, The beauty reminds me, this life is mine, It is for me to live, to create, for me to design. I watch a leaf fall from the stem, while to the ground it flies free, I am reminded then just how fragile each and all our lives can be, Time is wasted, life is too short, to be anyone other than me. For too long I have let myself remain blind The courage to remove the mask I hide behind, Who knows what doors will open, what I may find. Everyday is a new journey, open to new thought, Big or small, everything around us is worth a shot, All great things in life never have to be bought. The best things in life don't cost a thing, If I write I song, I too get to sing. Each step taken, a step forward towards feeling whole, I smile and then hum the melody that is my soul." - Yael
"Garments upon garments, masks upon masks confusing identity, deflating spirit, and concealing essence. Even the garments of holy symbols – Torah, traditions, and titles – mask what is under the garment, within the Torah, the soul of Torah. Attending only to the garments exiles the soul in chains. There is mask, body, soul, and soul of soul. Those who know do not look at the garment, but at what lies behind the mask see only the soul, the root of all." - Rabbi Paul
"We wear our mask each and every day without removing it … everything is quiet. Remembrance of our soul is the key that unlocks what is behind the mask. We all wear masks, but it’s the one we choose to wear that makes a difference." - Yautmary
"I don’t know when it started, but, when I was younger, I assumed a “really happy” outward appearance, to mask the pain I felt inside. I maintained a constant perma-grin on my face, so that others would not know how deeply sad I felt all the time. Sometimes, when I’d be in social situations, my cheeks would burn from hours of forced grinning. When I was in my 20’s, I had a co-worker whose wife didn’t like me because, as he relayed it to me, I “was too happy”. When he told me that, I was amazed at the dichotomous nature of who I presented myself to be – and how I really felt on daily basis. Because, beneath the grin, I was super anxious, afraid and miserable, pretty much all the time. The more anxious I felt, the more I grinned and grinned. The odd thing about all this is – Some people saw something else entirely. I remember an old boyfriend’s best friend used to say to me, “You need to smile more. When you’re thinking, you have a worried, miserable look on your face.” It was so confusing, because, dammit, I thought I smiled too much. I probably still wear the façade of smiley-carefree when I’m really uncomfortable and I’m with someone I don’t know very well. I also assume it in professional settings, when I’m feeling unsure of myself. However, as I’ve grown older, I’m no longer consumed by what other people think of me. Therefore, I no longer feel the need to smile all the time, to mask my extreme apprehension of people (and life). I’d rather be authentic than fake. As I’ve dropped the mask, ironically, I’ve grown happier. My grins are, the majority of the time, authentic smiles. I hope their frequency increases, as I find increasing peace and happiness in my life." -Anonymous
"Your job doesn't define you, no matter how bad you want it to." - Coke
"I may appear to be standoffish or reserved but once I get to know you and feel comfortable I have no need to keep myself sheltered.” - Natalie
"Living on the streets for so many years, I had to wear a mask of being a tough street girl. I had to protect myself from you and the world around me. My identity was so wrapped up in being tough. I would hurt you before you could hurt me. Now, after being off the streets for a year and a half, I still struggle everyday with letting people in and showing people who I really am. I am a strong woman, with beautiful imperfections, and a holy soul." - Shayna
"I constantly put myself in social situations because I am afraid to be alone with myself." - Mory
"I hide behind humor and sarcasm to deflect people from judging me." - Bryanna
"At almost any social gathering I attend I end up right in the kitchen. I would rather cater your wedding than be invited to it-because cooking is my best friend and I'm not interested in small talk. And quite honestly I don't want to answer the mundane question "what's your favorite thing to cook". It's boring. I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I love that people love food (otherwise I'd be out of the business) and I love having fun (I am usually the girl pouring shots of tequila screaming hilarious obscenities) but I want to discuss how your poop was this morning. Or how the sex was with the latest bumble date. I'm vulgar and crass. And the the only place I can be that person without judgment is in a kitchen... Being one of the boys per say-because only a horny 20 something man is allowed to talk about things like that. But then I have another side. I put up a shield. I just want to be alone with my food right now. I don't want to smile. I don't want to talk. I want to just be. People say "can you please smile..why are you angry?" Maybe I'm an easy target because I'm such an open book and I'm a happy person by nature. And it's not because I'm sad. We can't always be "on" all the time. That's when the creative wheels really start to crank. It's where I find perspective on not just what I want to prepare next, but just life in general. Some days I end up ripping my fucking mask off and just going with the flow of my roller coaster emotions that chef life brings. We all have insecurities that we want people to be sensitive to and be acknowledged of our greatness all at the same time. It's being human. Or just the very sensitive soul of a chef. That's why our tools are so dangerous." - Lindsey
Today: I took Sammy to daycare. Lately he’s been crying not wanting to go (well that’s because Mama shows him a good time). I muster up the strength to pull him off and into the wonderful loving hands of another while convincing him all is well and I’ll be back to get him. Expression = Loving & Positive WOODSHED Before arriving to work I stop at the pharmacy to make sure medication is prepared and ready for pick up. Internal fear sets in as a family member prepares for a procedure. Expression = Confident & Reassuring WOODSHED When I arrive at work, the phone calls and emails start pouring in. I’m grateful for so much work but completely overwhelmed. Back to back clients come in with artwork that needs repair or cleaning. I greet them all with a smile followed with an estimate (and water or coffee, of course). Expression = Cheeky & Fixed WOODSHED During downtime…haha….I create invoices detailing all the work to be done on our letterhead making sure I am aesthetically pleased. Then off to the billing department; me. Expression = Vacant & Stolid WOODSHED In the afternoon I receive a text from a previous employer frantically asking me for digital manipulation work with a time-frame of 2 days. Expression = Slack-Jawed & Pitying WOODSHED Before I leave for the day, I decide to fly a restorer out from Arizona. We need more hands to get shit done right. I am waiting for her reply. Expression = Tense & Taut The woodshed is where I take breaks and try not to think. I smoke a cigarette, sometimes I fidget with random metal parts, look through drawers. But my thoughts are of Sammy; the loveliest creature on earth." - Mishele
"I hide behind my mask of hair because I think it's the only way you will remember me." - Alison
