I have always loved creating art, as well as sharing it. Art is how i deal with stress & everything else in the world, including mental illness. Maybe the art means even more if you have a bit of backstory. Even if it's scary to tell it.
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About 20 years ago i was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Today I'm doing well and i think this illness is still pretty much misunderstood; paranoia, fear, anxiety, & depression have been major issues for me throughout my life, as well as not exactly feeling like things were/are "real."
But i mean, I'm doing all right. Art is one way i deal with this illness, and I don't feel that i should hide my art or anything else anymore. Everyone has different health issues & this is mine; this is my passion that helps me.
Somewhere along the way it happened that I started throwing in every color, and then every emotion i had started going into the art, & therefore started coming out through it. Sometimes I cry while i'm painting. Usually the feelings & accompanying thoughts are intense. I paint life as i feel it, not necessarily as i see it.
In posting these few paintings, i hope that someone else can relate to anything here, & i hope you know you aren't alone, but if you do feel alone, know that I feel alone with you.
Thanks so much if you take a look ~~ you're more appreciated than you know.
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Private Commission ~ 18" x 24" Watercolor on paper, 2019
This was a commission for a lovely lady & soul~sister & fellow face~maker. I was overjoyed to be given an opportunity to paint such a beautiful and goofy face; I loved that this woman shared her personality with me. People and places & objects with personalities like this are always a delight to paint.
Fear ~ 9" x 12" Self Portrait ~ Watercolor on paper, 2019
This feels incredibly vulnerable to share, but this self-portrait symbolizes an emotional state, like fear or anxiety, possibly paranoia, & i think lots of us live with so much more than we could ever know about each other (or ourselves).
As i painted this, I was feeling kind of beaten up by life. I'd basically had enough so i started painting.
I don't know but it seems like fear or anxiety is overwhelming for lots of people. I can't be the only one who goes through this. & you aren't either.
Response ~ 18" x 24" ~ Self Portrait ~ Watercolor on paper, 2019
Because sometimes saying nothing is the best response.
Emotion Study ~ 9" x 12" Watercolor on paper, 2019
I'm not sure what this is describing emotionally, but i hate feeling it. It could be the after~effect of having your heart torn out, or the look we give when someone we love leaves us forever, i don't know. i got tears in my eyes when i painted this one.
Anyway, this study was interesting. I feel this one & it's painful. Life hurts but it's almost a beautiful pain.
Symphony ~ 9" x 12" Self Portrait ~ Watercolor on Paper, 2019
I have no idea how many emotions i might go through in 24 hours but this is just a fragment of what it's like. My thoughts get tangled up very easily and i feel that it comes across pretty awkwardly in speech... This is basically a visual tangle of emotion & thought ~~ if i could put sound to it, well, i wouldn't. But i could call it a Symphony, anyway.
Lindsey Wixson ~ 18" x 24" Watercolor on paper, 2019
This was painted after an image of model Lindsey Wixson & her expression made me smile. Now & then i do laugh like this & i love it. It's best to just let what's in you come out in a positive way.
Self Portrait at the Dentist, 11" x 15" Watercolor on paper, 2019
There are boring points in life and the dentist is one of those points for me. It doesn't mean boredom can't be turned into art.
Life in progress, even in dull moments, can be made into something meaningful, even if only to the artist. (& sometimes, i mean, i feel it's ok if that's all that matters).
But i hope so much that others enjoy looking at the art as much as I love & need to create it.
Interrobang ~ 9" x 12" Watercolor on Paper, 2019
This was kind of an experiment in abstraction, which is often confusing for me to look at. I enjoyed painting this, & it looks to me like a smoke break during a lucid fever dream; otherwise, i'm just as confused as anyone else. Therefore this really titled itself. "?!"
Self Portrait with Fish ~ 12" x 18" Watercolor on paper, 2019
Whenever i feel rage, depression, joy so big i don't know what to do with it, or a sense of unreality, i sit down to paint. I'm not sure of the fish's meaning or that it needs a meaning; I'm thinking it might have been like something i needed to let go of.
This was painted during a time when i got ultra~ghosted by someone i was interested in. The odd thing was that a relationship between us would have been devastating if it went forward, and to this day i'm not sure why i felt such an intense grief, but oh well.
MyTurningHeadAsAVase ~ 9" x 12" Self Portrait ~ Watercolor on Paper, 2019
Technically this is a study for a larger piece i keep thinking about. Everyone seems a little bit broken in different ways. & most definitely DIVIDED FROM each other in lots of ways. I can't fix this.
I don't know, there's still something beautiful & unreal about life that I could never understand. It's okay. Even in darker ways & places i sense Something beautiful.
This concept is a work in progress, like my life. To be continued . . . !!