The holiday season should be a time for family, friends, food and fun. But it can also mean added stress and, of course, some epic family drama. 22% of Americans polled in a recent survey said they anticipate conflict with relatives at this time of year. Another study revealed that holiday family arguments get so bad that some people even end up changing their wills and estate plans. And a third poll found that 10% of those surveyed had shed tears over the notion of spending a holiday with their in-laws.
One new mom was hoping for a peaceful vacation when she booked a house at the coast for her family of five. She'd also invited her sister-in-law, along with her husband and their three kids. The woman wasn't expecting her husband's parents and two others to rock up unannounced for a surprise visit. When she told them they couldn't stay, her hubby was not impressed. Now she's wondering if she was wrong. Bored Panda spoke to the CEO and founder of Trust & Will, Cody Barbo, about the long-lasting financial impact of some festive family arguments.
This family was hoping for some quality time at the beach after recently welcoming their new baby into the world
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What they got instead was a wave of conflict and drama in the form of a surprise overnight visit from the in-laws
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages / envato (not the actual photo)
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Expert reveals that family drama over the holiday season sometimes leads to relatives being disinherited
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When estate planning company Trust & Will conducted their own survey on family holiday arguments, the results surprised them. "One of the most compelling insights is how holiday disagreements can spark meaningful estate planning actions," said Cody Barbo, the CEO and founder of the company. "Nearly 20% of respondents who admitted to having disagreements noted that family conflicts during the holidays led to revisiting or adjusting estate plans."
According to the Trust & Will survey, politics remains the leading source of holiday tension, affecting more than a third of respondents. It’s closely followed by family dynamics and past grievances, as well as relationships and finances. "Interestingly, while only 7% of respondents said estate planning specifically was a conflict trigger, these discussions often emerge indirectly," said Barbo.
While the survey didn't delve into individual anecdotes, Barbo says they've seen from experience that holiday disagreements can escalate significantly. "For example, conflicts about fairness in inheritance or perceived slights during family gatherings sometimes lead individuals to reconsider their estate plans, including adjusting beneficiary designations or even excluding certain relatives. The emotional intensity of the holidays amplifies these situations, turning temporary disagreements into lasting decisions."
Barbo adds that there's an unexpected silver lining. "The holidays offer a rare chance for families to come together, but this closeness often brings unresolved issues to the surface," he told Bored Panda. "Even contentious moments can bring important topics to light, encouraging families to clarify their legacies and align on intentions."
Survey finds 1 in 4 Americans dread spending the holidays with their in-laws
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If you dread spending holidays with your in-laws, you aren’t alone. A separate recent poll of more than 1,000 Americans found that 39% have skipped holiday gatherings previously, to avoid complicated situations. 12% are planning to do so this year. Nearly 2 in 5 of those surveyed said being in a relationship has made the holidays more complicated.
"Whether they’re sad to miss family traditions or uncomfortable around them, 1 in 4 said they dread going to their in-laws for the holidays," reported DatingNews.com. "Nearly 10% even report crying over the stress of spending the holidays with their partner’s parents."
Just under a quarter of respondents said holiday plans cause tension between them and their partners. The main arguments revolve around dealing with family dynamics, splitting time between families and financial strain.
It’s important to make time for yourself during the holiday season, and the same applies to the rest of your family. This can help to break tension and avoid arguments. "We all need space for ourselves - to breathe, to regulate our nervous systems, and to look after our needs," said clinical psychologist and author Dr. Tracy Dalgleish. "Whether you plan for your alone time or for couple time, ensure that over the visit you have space for just you as a family."
Dalgleish adds that it’s important for couples to be on the same page ahead of the holidays. "Many couples don’t prepare themselves for family visits and move on autopilot from one event to the next," she said. "This can create conflict, as expectations between partners are not being clearly shared and identified."
She advises couples to identify their most important values, agree on the non-negotiables, then discuss how they'll address any issues that might arise. For example, sleeping arrangements, comments at the dinner table, or how many sweets your little one is allowed to have.
Setting boundaries is also crucial, but Dalgleish says the action and follow-through matters the most. If you find people pushing your boundaries and refusing to accept them, you might want to consider a time-out. Or leaving altogether. After all, you can't control someone else's actions. But you can control your own reaction.
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