Toxic people know just what to say and how to act so that their bad behavior passes under the radar. They may sometimes even gaslight their partner and trick them into doubting themselves. All in all, it’s extremely difficult to notice such red flags, especially from a person you love, which makes it tough to escape.
This is what a woman faced after overhearing her fiancé's joke about trapping her with a pregnancy. Only after multiple red flags did the rose-colored glasses come off, and she realized he meant every word.
A good relationship is based on trust and respect, but if one partner is manipulating the other, everything can come crumbling down
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The woman shared that she had overheard her boyfriend of three years make a joke about tying her down by getting her pregnant before she realized his true nature
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Despite not wanting to, the poster did get pregnant accidentally, and her fiancé expected her to be a stay-at-home mom after marriage
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
A concerning thing that the woman mentioned was how angry her partner got when she joked about needing a prenup, and things escalated enough for her to kick him out
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The woman was shocked by her partner’s aggressive behavior, especially since he was a stay-at-home boyfriend who relied on her to pay the bills and rent
Image credits: Pretty_yayflow
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Folks were shocked by the guy’s behavior and felt that the woman needed to protect herself from him
In an update post the woman mentioned that her partner was still trying to figure out her location, but she didn't want to give it to him
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Unfortunately, one day the fiancé came over to the poster’s apartment, then proceeded to take her phone and keys and list all the things she needed to change about herself
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The woman’s dad had to come to rescue her and her son from the controlling man, but despite all that, the poster didn’t break off her engagement with him
It seems like right from the start, the 26-year-old man was trying to control his fiancée. His “joke” about wanting to get her pregnant to tie her down turned out to be real when her contraception surprisingly failed. He also didn’t want her to have a job after marriage and didn’t react well when she mentioned getting a prenup.
It’s quite difficult to recognize the signs of abuse and see the red flags, especially if you really care about someone. The poster obviously tried to make excuses for her partner’s actions until she saw the truth for herself. To understand how to deal with toxic relationships, Bored Panda reached out to Jo Baker, a psychotherapeutic counselor who has worked with women affected by domestic violence.
She told us that “every abuser is different, but all abuse is a means of gaining and maintaining power and control in a relationship. Some will prefer financial abuse, some isolation, some physical. With all, the aim is to increase your isolation, decrease your ability to think for yourself, your room for agency in your life, and increase your dependence and vulnerability to the abuser.”
One of the most stark things about this story is that the woman felt uneasy by her fiancé’s remarks and actions but still chose to stay with him. She also took care of his financial needs and let him be a stay-at-home boyfriend.
We asked Jo why it takes so long for some people to see and realize the red flags in an abusive relationship. She said that “abuse is almost perfectly designed to keep a victim from realizing what is going on. It is never the woman’s fault that she did not see. I do notice that some people have a harder time realizing what is happening.”
“There are powerful systemic reasons to keep a relationship going, particularly if you have built a life with someone, had children, got married, even more so if you live in a culture or family where these things are particularly prized. It may also be frightening to realize you’re in an abusive relationship, and so it might be really hard to see that the person you love is also hurting you.”
“I think we can have real compassion for anyone in this situation, as it is a hard thing to face and then have to deal with. The forces at play are complex, often systemic, situational, as well as personal, and the abuser will do everything in his power to make you stay, a key part of which is to keep you blind to his abuse,” Jo explained.
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Things took an ugly turn after a few days when the OP kicked her fiancé out. He returned to their apartment and started trying to control everything she did. He even took away her phone and keys. Luckily, when she got her phone back, she texted her father who drove six hours to come and take his daughter and grandson to safety.
Jo Baker told us that “the best way to deal with someone abusive is to limit their opportunity to abuse you as much as you possibly can. The very first thing to consider is your safety. If you are unsafe or fear the abusive person will become violent, do not confront them directly.”
“Bear in mind that abusive behavior in intimate relationships is almost always a means of gaining power and control. As such, challenging the control will probably lead to an escalation in the abuse. Leaving safely is your boundary, and you don’t have to tell your abuser a thing. Always seek professional guidance if you’re worried for your safety,” she added.
Even after the woman was rescued from her controlling partner, she still felt guilty about leaving him and going. She told netizens that she hadn’t called off the engagement because her parents would end up losing a lot of money. Fortunately, her parents were more worried about her safety and that of their grandkid rather than any money they put into the event.
Jo also mentioned that it’s important to heal and get therapy. She said: “You will need to unpack all the abusive messages you have likely internalized. Abusive systems and relationships invalidate our anger and discomfort at any mistreatment we receive and hold us responsible for other people’s actions.”
“As such, it is almost impossible to gain and maintain good, working boundaries within these relationships. Think of it like a funhouse mirror; you don’t have access to a true reflection of the situation, so you make faulty judgments based on distorted information,” she added.
It’s definitely important for the woman to heal and learn from this traumatic experience. Eventually, she might be able to view her past relationship objectively and see it for what it actually was.
Do you think there was any other way the woman could have dealt with her controlling fiancé?
Folks were glad that the woman’s dad stuck by her side and helped her get away from her terrible partner
