Having a real, authentic and sincere friendship is one of the most amazing feelings. To have people who care about you, who you know are always going to be there for you and help whenever and wherever you need is such a blessing! There is also a reason behind the famous saying that a friendship breakup hurts more than breaking up with your partner.
However, finding a real friend is also a complicated thing. Unfortunately, there are many people who will use you and you will be stuck in a one-sided friendship.
More info: Reddit
One argument, your best friend shows their true self and it may lead to the end of the whole friendship
Image credits: Elijah O'Donnell (not the actual photo)
Woman asks community members if she was being a jerk for canceling her cards after she forgot her wallet in her best friend’s car
Image credits: u/AntiqueFroyo2378
Image credits: Aleksandrs Karevs (not the actual photo)
She shared that her friend kept avoiding meeting with her in order to give back her wallet
Image credits: u/AntiqueFroyo2378
The woman then reported her cards as stolen, which led to an argument between them and the end of the friendship
Very recently, a woman shared her personal story to one of the most judgmental Reddit communities. She asked its members if she was being a jerk for canceling her cards that were in her wallet, which she left in her friend’s car. The post attracted a lot of readers and in just a few days it gathered more than 13K upvotes and almost 2K comments.
The author starts her story by stating that over the weekend, she forgot her wallet in her best friend’s car. Nothing weird, right? However, every time they would finally set a time for a meeting to get back the wallet, there would always be an excuse why she couldn't. After this, OP informed her friend that she was going to report her cards stolen.
Later on, the author clarified that she decided to do so because her bank can replace cards the same day. After this, the best friend flipped and called OP not the nicest names as she was treating her like a criminal and thief. On the good side, the wallet was returned and left with the security guard at OP's apartment. The woman also added that in the end, their friendship ended by mutual agreement.
The author was given the “Not an a-hole” badge, commenters defended her and few of them shared personal experiences. “Red flags, cancel your cards, please,” one user wrote immediately.” Another added: “Any of my friends would have realized I left my wallet and turned around to return it to me before I even realized. God damn this sub makes me really appreciate my friends a lot more.”
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
Bored Panda contacted Irene S. Levine, PhD, who is a psychologist and friendship expert, and she kindly agreed to share insights regarding how to spot red flags in a friendship and how to rebuild trust after being in a toxic friendship.
“It’s important to open the lines of communication by expressing your feelings. Be concrete and give your friend specific examples. Then give your friend the chance to explain or justify their behavior,” the expert starts. “Set limits regarding what you are willing to do or not willing to do for a friend. Once you have raised your concerns, if they are not addressed, you need to seriously reconsider the friendship.”
Additionally, Irene highlights that “It’s important to remember that friendships are voluntary and should be mutually satisfying. You have no obligation to continue a friendship if it is one-sided or makes you feel bad. You also ask yourself whether you are so needy that you are willing to accept a one-sided friendship that always disappoints.”
Irene also lists a few of the most common red flags in a friend: “If a relationship feels one-sided and you are always on the giving end, if the friend asks to borrow money, clothes, electronics, etc., and doesn't pay back or return them without you begging her.” Also, if a friend isn’t trustworthy or dependable and tends to lie, that’s not a friend with the best intentions.
Also, don’t forget to check out the substack newsletter Friendship Rules, which Sheryl Kraft and Irene S. Levine developed to help navigate the unwritten rules of friendship!
Image credits: Ivan Samkov (not the actual photo)
Moreover, Bored Panda got in touch with Sarah, who is a friendship coach for expats, and she gladly shared her insights.
“We're all different, we all have different definitions of what we think is 'right' or 'wrong' or what friends 'should' or 'shouldn't' do. I would encourage you to listen to your own gut feeling - you know yourself and your own boundaries best. Trust your own judgement on this, if something doesn't feel right it probably isn't!” Sarah mentioned.
“Generally speaking, I would say that common red flags that indicate someone might not have genuine intentions or might be using you are dishonesty, disrespect (of yourself and your boundaries), manipulation, guilt tripping, gaslighting, viciousness.”
Now, speaking about how to address concerns if you feel your friend is using you, Sarah says: “I always encourage my clients to have an honest conversation with their friend, led by love and curiosity. It takes courage to have such a conversation but take a leap and try it, because this is the only way you both have some air time and can resolve any issues you may have.”
The expert also shared signs that may indicate that the friendship is not going in a good way: “My opinion on this is: Leave a friendship if your boundaries are being disrespected repeatedly or you love that person and you consciously chose to end the friendship. Sometimes you just grow apart, move away, start different careers, start a family or make different life choices. This is the time when you might notice that you absolutely love this person and you love having them as a friend, but continuing the same intensity of friendship or a friendship at all is not what you think is best for you at the moment. And it is okay to end friendships, they are seasonal and some of them come to an end at some point.”
Moreover, speaking about how to rebuild trust after a toxic relationship, Sarah emphasized that “You will crave safety - most of my clients search for that safety outside of themselves. This leads to codependent friendships, unmet needs and expectations and a lot of frustration. I help my clients create safety within themselves so they're actually able to build healthy friendships and not set themselves up for further manipulative and toxic friendships. So make sure to create as much safety for yourself as possible.”
“Give your friend the benefit of the doubt but just as long as it feels 'right' to you and just if you trust this person. These are personal judgments you'd need to make yourself, there is no generalized checklist as to when to trust a person and when not to.”
And of course, don’t forget to check out Sarah’s Instagram account and website!
Folks in the comments shared their suggestions and personal stories
