Dating, and first dates in particular, come with a sort of acrobatic-like juggling performance. One has to put their own best foot forward, while being engaging, funny and interesting with, ostensibly, a stranger. At the same time, they also need to actually pay attention if this person is giving off weird vibes. So, naturally, some folks have developed their own strategies.
Someone asked women “what’s the best litmus test you can give to someone to tell if they’re a red flag?” and people detailed their best strategies. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your own thoughts and experiences in the comments down below.
#1
When I was online dating I had a rule that I didn’t give out my number until I met you in person and liked you. I was pretty up front about it bc guys would want to switch over to snap or endless texting but It weeded out d**k pics and it got the ball rolling on getting to know someone in person.
Let me tell you, I could tell a metric f**k ton about a person from the way they responded to being told no and having an easy boundary put in place. It wasn’t an intentional test, but it provided great insight about how people deal with being told no in a zero stakes environment.
Let me tell you, I could tell a metric f**k ton about a person from the way they responded to being told no and having an easy boundary put in place. It wasn’t an intentional test, but it provided great insight about how people deal with being told no in a zero stakes environment.
63points
#2
Pay attention to how they talk about their exes and past relationships. If somehow their exes were all "crazy" or they seem to lack any accountability, run. They're probably the problem.
43points
#3
Not online dating at the moment, but something that clicked for me as a red flag (and honestly applies in so many other circumstances) - if you explain that you do or don’t want to do something out of safety or precaution and the man’s very first instinct is to go AGGRESSIVELY try to convince you they’re safe - run.
I’m not talking a normal reassurance along with an understanding of the boundary you put in place.
Ie - If the man offers to pick you up and you were to say, “I’ve had some fairly jarring experiences with dating (or men in general) so it’s important to me that initially we meet in a public space to get to know each other, but I sincerely appreciate the offer”
And they’re response is anything adjacent to “Okay but I’m safe you don’t have to worry about that seriously it’ll be okay” or “I’m a gentleman and I have sisters, I’d really like to pick you up, chivalry isn’t dead you know?” or “Well you can’t let one bad apple ruin the crop, seriously it’ll be fine. I’ve always picked up my dates and never had issues, just trust me” - RUN
To seasoned daters this might sound obvious and to others I might sound absurd but it’s such a “people show you exactly who they are - listen to them” moment.
They’re breaking down a perfectly reasonable boundary or limitation because they take issue with that limit. This shows not only a lack of empathy and understanding, but is also a huge indicator of other major issues.
Best case scenario it hurt their ego and they care more about convincing you to bend to their will than they do your feelings, your safety, or getting to know you. Worst case scenario - well there’s a lot of them.
Stay safe! ❤️❤️.
I’m not talking a normal reassurance along with an understanding of the boundary you put in place.
Ie - If the man offers to pick you up and you were to say, “I’ve had some fairly jarring experiences with dating (or men in general) so it’s important to me that initially we meet in a public space to get to know each other, but I sincerely appreciate the offer”
And they’re response is anything adjacent to “Okay but I’m safe you don’t have to worry about that seriously it’ll be okay” or “I’m a gentleman and I have sisters, I’d really like to pick you up, chivalry isn’t dead you know?” or “Well you can’t let one bad apple ruin the crop, seriously it’ll be fine. I’ve always picked up my dates and never had issues, just trust me” - RUN
To seasoned daters this might sound obvious and to others I might sound absurd but it’s such a “people show you exactly who they are - listen to them” moment.
They’re breaking down a perfectly reasonable boundary or limitation because they take issue with that limit. This shows not only a lack of empathy and understanding, but is also a huge indicator of other major issues.
Best case scenario it hurt their ego and they care more about convincing you to bend to their will than they do your feelings, your safety, or getting to know you. Worst case scenario - well there’s a lot of them.
Stay safe! ❤️❤️.
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42points
#4
Do they throw their trash away when the theater movie is over? Do they move their plates, dirty silverware and other trash to the end of the table in the restaurant so cleanup is easier for the service worker?
39points
#5
How they treat service workers
Where they put a shopping cart when they’re done with it
What happens with a minor inconvenience or they don’t get their way
How much attention do they pay to their phone vs you
What happens if you don’t immediately text or call back
Their opinions about people’s role in society or relationship based on their gender.
Where they put a shopping cart when they’re done with it
What happens with a minor inconvenience or they don’t get their way
How much attention do they pay to their phone vs you
What happens if you don’t immediately text or call back
Their opinions about people’s role in society or relationship based on their gender.
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35points
#6
Say "no" to something small.
Red flag is a person who tries to argue you out of it or gets mad. Those people don't respect consent.
Red flag is a person who tries to argue you out of it or gets mad. Those people don't respect consent.
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33points
#7
Lack of general courtesy is a good place to start.
- Looking at alerts on your phone when you're on a first date and doing the "so, tell me about yourself" stuff. Unless you need to be "on call" or you are someone's primary caretaker, put the d**n phone away.
- Rude to people in the service industry
- Cuts you off when you are speaking and changes the conversation topic.
- Makes rude comments about a group of people ... good chance those comments become slurs and hate speech later.
- Tries to change your mind on something ...
not ideologically (though that is a whole separate thing) ... e.g. "No, thank you, I don't like seafood." "Come on, have you ever had seabass like this, I *insist* you try some."
- Looking at alerts on your phone when you're on a first date and doing the "so, tell me about yourself" stuff. Unless you need to be "on call" or you are someone's primary caretaker, put the d**n phone away.
- Rude to people in the service industry
- Cuts you off when you are speaking and changes the conversation topic.
- Makes rude comments about a group of people ... good chance those comments become slurs and hate speech later.
- Tries to change your mind on something ...
not ideologically (though that is a whole separate thing) ... e.g. "No, thank you, I don't like seafood." "Come on, have you ever had seabass like this, I *insist* you try some."
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31points
#8
If they don't like or have no regard for animals. Also if my pet/s don't like a person.
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31points
#9
This works for friendships as well as romantic relationships. But sometimes you will meet somebody and you'll get along super great and everything is wonderful, but then just as you're moving from acquaintances to friends or seeing each other to going steady, still very early in the relationship, all of a sudden they do something dramatic and weird. Like maybe they blow up with anger at you, or they show up at your house sobbing and asking for your immediate support. And you're there for them in the moment because they have some logical reason for why they exploded like that. Their boss said something absolutely criminal and they're spiraling about quitting their job, or their uncle had a heart attack and they found him just in time.
They get exactly one of those. Everybody has weird outlier stuff happen from time to time.
The second time it happens, if it isn't years later, you walk away immediately. Immediately.
Even if it's the edgiest of the edge cases, they had two enormous life altering wildcard events in a month purely by chance, the fact that they are bringing them to you, a person they knew for 2 months, means that they can't keep a friend for long enough to find somebody closer than you to bring this to. They have burned out everybody close to them on this c**p.
Walk away now. It will only get harder.
They get exactly one of those. Everybody has weird outlier stuff happen from time to time.
The second time it happens, if it isn't years later, you walk away immediately. Immediately.
Even if it's the edgiest of the edge cases, they had two enormous life altering wildcard events in a month purely by chance, the fact that they are bringing them to you, a person they knew for 2 months, means that they can't keep a friend for long enough to find somebody closer than you to bring this to. They have burned out everybody close to them on this c**p.
Walk away now. It will only get harder.
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30points
#10
When I was on Tinder, if a guy was picking me up I would say hello and then take a photo of his license plate right in front of him and send it to someone in my family. Almost every single time, the guy would laugh about it and it would be a topic of conversation. There was only one time the guy got super upset and took it personally - red flag.
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28points
#11
I have been "lucky" to have my car break down in early dating situations. This was a real eye opener for me. You can tell a lot about a person when they are put in difficult situations, but only an inconvenience.
- did they get angry at the flat tire or fix it.
- did the rage at missing the show
- did they blame you, call you names.
- did they get angry at the flat tire or fix it.
- did the rage at missing the show
- did they blame you, call you names.
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25points
#12
A man told me I have "Trump derrangement syndrome" because I'm worried about our rights being taken away. That was a pretty good indicator.
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24points
#13
Match their energy with your energy.
People who give you their all are worth your all in return. People who give you nothing and expect everything need to know they aren’t going to get it from you.
I had a friend for years who was notorious for blowing me off when we made plans, or making promises and never keeping them, or being late to everything. I communicated to her multiple times that I didn’t like being treated like that, that I thought it was disrespectful, and she didn’t change.
So I started treating her the same way. She’d ask me to hang out and I would be super vague about confirming, then just not show up. It only took her two months to completely blow up and burn down the whole friendship. I think she regretted her actions in the end, but I’ve blocked her on everything. I’m not interested in being friends with people who treat others so poorly.
People who give you their all are worth your all in return. People who give you nothing and expect everything need to know they aren’t going to get it from you.
I had a friend for years who was notorious for blowing me off when we made plans, or making promises and never keeping them, or being late to everything. I communicated to her multiple times that I didn’t like being treated like that, that I thought it was disrespectful, and she didn’t change.
So I started treating her the same way. She’d ask me to hang out and I would be super vague about confirming, then just not show up. It only took her two months to completely blow up and burn down the whole friendship. I think she regretted her actions in the end, but I’ve blocked her on everything. I’m not interested in being friends with people who treat others so poorly.
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23points
#14
I’ve had several red flag relationships. My husband was completely different and I realized what red flags actually were after meeting him. These weren’t things that I could see right away, but within 3-4 months. Some things I picked up on:
- How does he respond to information or advice from women versus men? Does he value their opinion or consistently argue or dismiss? Does he treat women the same in conversation (facing, engaging, listening) as men? How does he respond to women when the GROUP is primarily men? Is he only talking to women because they could provide status or some direct benefit to him? Does he have close women friends at all that he hasn’t dated?? Super telling about intentions and how he sees women.
- 100% check relationship with mom and grandma, possible sisters. My worst relationships were men who had bad and neglectful relationships with their mothers. I didn’t pick up on it because I had a bad relationship with my mom and thought it was normal. Most men should have a healthy relationship with their (relatively stable) mom simply because moms tend to favor sons. The exes that loathed their hardworking, supportive moms were very a*****e in my case.
- 100% analyze relationship and responsibility with pets. My exes would treat and talk about pets like roommates. Cheap food and not much play. But my husband with his senile dog: I watched him hand feeding premium dog food, cooing, holding him with so much patience and love in his eyes like he was still a puppy. I literally almost cried watching him pour pure love into his dog. I wanted to be the dog 😭
- This is related to the dog thing, but how does he respond to inconvenience, people with illnesses or disabilities, or transient/cyclical conditions (including PMS and PMDD)? The way he was always inclusive and cared with urgency and no complaints, no matter what… versus my exes who would say I was being “lazy” or “dramatic” or “you need to figure that out, it’s not normal, but it’s not my problem” or couldn’t be bothered to QUICKLY get me an ice pack when I had a severe burn on my arm…
After seeing how my husband took care of me and others, I felt safe… EXAMPLE: a year into our relationship (already engaged), I choked on a fishbone for 20 hours (literally 19.5). He took me to the ER straight from the airport (I was solo traveling for most of the day). I was scared and helpless. I remember I was crying on the ER bed, drooling from late stage choking, scared, completely exhausted... The way he held me tightly and rubbed my back with pure love - even when he couldn’t do anything else - it was everything I needed and I relaxed enough to swallow the bone myself.
Deep down, I knew he could and WOULD take care of me always. He loves with his whole heart, and those signs showed me from the beginning. Been together for 3.5 years now, and every day feels like a blessing.
(Edits to take out extra words).
- How does he respond to information or advice from women versus men? Does he value their opinion or consistently argue or dismiss? Does he treat women the same in conversation (facing, engaging, listening) as men? How does he respond to women when the GROUP is primarily men? Is he only talking to women because they could provide status or some direct benefit to him? Does he have close women friends at all that he hasn’t dated?? Super telling about intentions and how he sees women.
- 100% check relationship with mom and grandma, possible sisters. My worst relationships were men who had bad and neglectful relationships with their mothers. I didn’t pick up on it because I had a bad relationship with my mom and thought it was normal. Most men should have a healthy relationship with their (relatively stable) mom simply because moms tend to favor sons. The exes that loathed their hardworking, supportive moms were very a*****e in my case.
- 100% analyze relationship and responsibility with pets. My exes would treat and talk about pets like roommates. Cheap food and not much play. But my husband with his senile dog: I watched him hand feeding premium dog food, cooing, holding him with so much patience and love in his eyes like he was still a puppy. I literally almost cried watching him pour pure love into his dog. I wanted to be the dog 😭
- This is related to the dog thing, but how does he respond to inconvenience, people with illnesses or disabilities, or transient/cyclical conditions (including PMS and PMDD)? The way he was always inclusive and cared with urgency and no complaints, no matter what… versus my exes who would say I was being “lazy” or “dramatic” or “you need to figure that out, it’s not normal, but it’s not my problem” or couldn’t be bothered to QUICKLY get me an ice pack when I had a severe burn on my arm…
After seeing how my husband took care of me and others, I felt safe… EXAMPLE: a year into our relationship (already engaged), I choked on a fishbone for 20 hours (literally 19.5). He took me to the ER straight from the airport (I was solo traveling for most of the day). I was scared and helpless. I remember I was crying on the ER bed, drooling from late stage choking, scared, completely exhausted... The way he held me tightly and rubbed my back with pure love - even when he couldn’t do anything else - it was everything I needed and I relaxed enough to swallow the bone myself.
Deep down, I knew he could and WOULD take care of me always. He loves with his whole heart, and those signs showed me from the beginning. Been together for 3.5 years now, and every day feels like a blessing.
(Edits to take out extra words).
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21points
#15
Talk about consent and boundaries and see how they respond. If it bothers them that’s not good and also if they don’t keep their promises that’s a really bad sign. Does this person respect things that are important to you? How do they relate to your friends and family or even pets? Do they treat your property with care and respect?
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21points
#16
Yes – for the first date, reject his first suggestion regardless of what it is, and propose an alternate that is as similar as possible in terms of cost, convenience, etc.
"I'm not keen on that coffee shop, how about this one a block away?"
You're looking at how he responds when you assume equality. His reaction can show you whether he feels threatened by that: does he demand justification or even flat out refuse your alteration? does he complain about the venue when you get there, as if for the sake of it? Or on the other hand, does he bring it up in a positive way?
"These tables are too narrow; we should have gone somewhere else; I'm an expert on coffee you know; you shouldn't order that."
"I haven't been here before; those pastries look great; I'll try the house hazelnut syrup; what made you choose this café in particular?"
Which guy gets the second date?
"I'm not keen on that coffee shop, how about this one a block away?"
You're looking at how he responds when you assume equality. His reaction can show you whether he feels threatened by that: does he demand justification or even flat out refuse your alteration? does he complain about the venue when you get there, as if for the sake of it? Or on the other hand, does he bring it up in a positive way?
"These tables are too narrow; we should have gone somewhere else; I'm an expert on coffee you know; you shouldn't order that."
"I haven't been here before; those pastries look great; I'll try the house hazelnut syrup; what made you choose this café in particular?"
Which guy gets the second date?
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20points
#17
Rude to service workers or the opposite-being overly nice in order to curry favor. Being loud or obnoxious. Rude to elderly people and children.
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19points
#19
Watch how they deal with an inconvenience.
For instance, they badly need a specific item, and they call a store that's an hour away, and this store says they have it. They drive to the store, and the store does not actually have it. Are they able to roll with the punches, or do they throw a tantrum at the minimum wage store clerk?
For instance, they badly need a specific item, and they call a store that's an hour away, and this store says they have it. They drive to the store, and the store does not actually have it. Are they able to roll with the punches, or do they throw a tantrum at the minimum wage store clerk?
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15points
#20
Ask them how their past relationships ended. If there is a lot of one-sided blame and no sense of learning/accountability of one’s own actions, that’s pretty much a no go from me. All of us make mistakes in relationships, sometimes we’re the problem. If they can’t cop to a least one thing they did and now do differently its easy to assume I will be the next victim of blame regardless.
I remember I was in a date with a guy and asked him about his exes and he proceeded to tell me how each and every one was crazy. After his monologue I said “Wow, you must really like crazy then.” He didn’t like that, lol.
I remember I was in a date with a guy and asked him about his exes and he proceeded to tell me how each and every one was crazy. After his monologue I said “Wow, you must really like crazy then.” He didn’t like that, lol.
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15points