Before the worldwide pandemic hit, many young adults were working, studying, and building lives on their own. But then, suddenly, a great deal of them were back to living with their parents. In fact, Zillow's analysis from US government data indicated that about 2.9 million adults moved in with a parent or grandparent in March, April, and May of 2020 if college students were included; most of them were 25 or younger.
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As the world has now returned to quasi-normal, many adult kids stayed living with their parents for various reasons. But as you may imagine or have experienced, living under the same roof with your parents poses challenges of its own.
This story from a family with three kids gives us a glimpse into such a household. “Our 19-year-old, Kate, graduated from high school last year but is still living at home,” the parent wrote in a post on r/AITA. “Kate has struggled with anxiety for the past few years and has been in therapy since her junior year of high school. She is also on medication. She also, like many 19-year-olds, struggles with impulse control.”
The parent added that “this usually manifests in her spending habits. She will spend money as soon as she gets it. And she spends it on, in my opinion, things she doesn't always need.” Kate’s spending habits turned out to be the cause of tension between her and her parents.
And on one such occasion, the parents found out their 19-year-old had just paid $300 for “bright rainbow hair.” As you can imagine, this didn’t sit well with them.
Image credits: Sandra Molina (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Sharon McCutcheon (not the actual photo)
To find out more about the complex situation of adult kids staying at their parents’ home and financial independence of the children, we spoke with Dr. Lise Deguire, a clinical psychologist and author of “Flashback Girl: Lessons on Resilience From a Burn Survivor.”
When asked whether parents should set the rules for their adult kids who live in their house, Lise said: “Yes, within limits. The house belongs to the parents, and as homeowners, it is the parents' right to set rules.” She added that “the parents/homeowners have every right to have expectations about cleanliness, noise, guests, etc.”
But when it comes to parents asking their adult kids to pay rent, Lise argues that this is an issue about which reasonable people can disagree. “Many parents charge a nominal rent, to give their kids a 'real life' experience of meeting financial responsibilities. Many others do not feel comfortable doing so. Some parents think that staying home is an opportunity for their adult children to establish savings, and they are happy to support their adult children as they start out. Still others charge rent, but save that money in an account to return to their children later.” She added that there “are also struggling families for whom every dollar counts, and everyone has to contribute in order to pay the rent at all.”
Moreover, the clinical psychologist argues that this is a grey zone when it comes to the question of whether parents can control their adult kids' spending as long as they live at their house, or whether adult kids should be financially independent and decide for themselves. “If adult children earn money, it is theirs to spend as they wish. On the other hand, if the parents feel financially exploited, it is natural that they would feel angry and resentful.”
Lise explained that “the way to avoid these situations is to set clear expectations prior to the child moving back in the house, expectations around saving, household responsibilities, etc. That way both parties know what they can expect from each other.”
