Family relationships can be challenging even without any major disagreements, not to mention dealing with big fallouts or drama.
A life-changing event leading to a broken family is what made this redditor cut ties with his mother. His sister didn’t, though, and after a decade of the guy having no contact with his mom, she invited the latter to accompany her to his wedding. That led to the OP uninviting his sister, but she wasn’t the only link between him and his mother.
Scroll down to find the full story in the redditor’s own words below, where you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with Professor of Psychology at the Department of Psychological Science at Bellarmine College of Liberal Arts, Máire Ford, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions.
Family relationships can quickly become very complicated
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This redditor wanted nothing to do with his mother, but the women he cares for had other ideas
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
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Broken trust takes time, patience, and openness to repair
Broken trust is not easy to fix, especially when it affects family relationships; and in the OP’s case, the mother’s actions had an effect so detrimental, it resulted in the son cutting off ties completely.
According to Professor of Psychology at Bellarmine College of Liberal Arts, Máire Ford, rebuilding broken trust is difficult and takes time. “Trust is an incredibly important part of a relationship and is necessary for optimal relationship functioning. Those who feel that they can't trust a close other will be more likely to respond to that person in defensive ways or to seek revenge and this interferes with the relationship thriving,” she told Bored Panda in a recent interview.
The expert continued to point out that rebuilding trust takes not only time, but patience and openness, too, which is why coming to the OP’s wedding uninvited might not have been the best route for his mother to take if she wanted to rebuild their relationship.
“She will have to be patient and try to rebuild trust in more subtle ways,” Prof. Ford suggested. “She will want to do things that will allow her son to build up some positive feelings for her. And then, once there is at least a minimum amount of goodwill established, she could ask for forgiveness. This process can't be rushed, though.”
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Many children choose not to lie to cover up a parent’s transgressions
Dr. Ford emphasized that in situations such as the one in the redditor’s story, it’s important for people to acknowledge their transgression and how it hurt their family. In addition to the infidelity the OP witnessed, his mom also lied to him and asked him not to tell his father what he saw, which is not an easy situation for anyone to be in, let alone a child.
But, despite his mother’s convincing, the redditor told his dad the truth. Research on children's lie-telling regarding a parent's transgressions found that many of them do not engage in lies in order to conceal the wrongdoing of their parent, even after enduring explicit coaching by their mom or dad.
The research also found that children’s moral understanding of lies and truth increased significantly with age (as did their truthfulness after promising someone to tell the truth).
No matter the age, though, relationships with those around us can significantly influence our personal well-being. And interestingly, research suggests that strained family relationships can affect it even more than troubles on the romantic front.
“We found that family emotional climate had a big effect on overall health, including the development or worsening of chronic conditions such as stroke and headaches over the 20-year span of midlife,” lead author of the study Dr. Sarah B. Woods, assistant professor of family and community medicine at UT Southwestern Medical Center, pointed out.
Woods added that for adults with chronic conditions, a negative family emotional climate may increase their poor health, which is likely why some people decide to cut ties with some of their kin altogether.
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For some people, cutting off ties with family members can be the better thing to do
Research on family estrangement found that while such a decision can cause long-term consequences for an individual’s well-being due to the stress lack of such ties entail, for people initiating estrangement, it can boost their health, as a chronic stressor is then eliminated.
According to the research, roughly 6% of surveyed individuals reported estrangement from their mothers. While many of them chose to renew the relationship—roughly four-in-five people reportedly become unestranged from their mothers at some point—it’s unclear if the OP will ever have a relationship with his mom again, despite his sister’s effort or his fiancée’s views.
Professor Ford suggested that forcing a person to form—or rebuild, for that matter—a relationship with someone might have detrimental effects on everyone involved. “This can harm trust in all of these relationships. Humans do not like to feel like their sense of control is threatened. All of the individuals who tried to force the son to rekindle his relationship with his mother are threatening his sense of control.
“These individuals would be more effective in helping to repair the relationship if they tried to do so in more subtle ways that didn't undermine his sense of control and autonomy,” she pointed out, referring to the fiancée and the sister pushing the OP to talk to his mom. Fellow redditors in the comments, too, suggested that the women not supporting his stance was somewhat alarming.
Fellow redditors shared their views, they didn’t think the OP was a jerk, but pointed out that his fiancée might have been
