Every relationship is different, so it’s important to not measure everything by the same yardstick. At the same time, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t pretty visible red flags sometimes waving high in the breeze that, often, anyone but the person actually in the relationship can see.
A young man asked the internet if he was wrong to pick his parents over his girlfriend and their child. When their age gap was revealed, commenters shared their surprise at the situation and did their best to give him some advice as it didn’t sound like his partner had his best interests in mind.
An age gap in a relationship can be acceptable, but only as long as both parties are equally aware of what's going on
Image credits: Oziel Gomez (not the actual photo)
The 19 Y.O. poster met his 27 Y.O. girlfriend during his internship, and they started dating soon after
After the guy had to leave to take care of his dad, the woman soon informed him she was pregnant and insisted he come back to stay with her
Image credits: Ray S (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/[deleted]
The woman told the guy to choose between her and the baby or his parents, so he chose the latter
The original poster (OP), who is a 19-year-old guy dating a 27-year-old woman, regards their 2 years together as the happiest time of his life. They met during his internship at a nursing home where she was a human resources supervisor.
According to the author, they were very fond of each other from the beginning, sharing many common interests and similar views. Their bond grew stronger when one of the residents the OP was taking care of passed away, and he sought his soon-to-be girlfriend to help him deal with the trauma.
Seeking to stay connected, they exchanged their numbers, and after the guy’s internship ended, they continued communicating through texts. Things took a turn when, one time, she invited him over, and they ended up spending a night together.
Over the next couple of months, they started meeting up more and more often. When the OP finally asked her to be his girlfriend, the woman agreed under the condition that they would keep this private. The author said yes without a second thought.
A year later, much to the protest of OP’s parents, the couple moved in together. At first, everything went smoothly, but when his dad got into an accident, the author was forced to move back home to help out, which meant that daily meetups with his girlfriend weren’t possible anymore.
According to the guy, the woman seemed fine with being apart until she informed him about her pregnancy. It was then that she insisted that he come back to live with her, ignoring all of his concerns about not being ready to be a father yet and refusing to explain how she got pregnant in the first place.
When her silent treatment, which she used to counter his refusal, didn’t work, she presented the OP with an ultimatum: her and their child or his parents. The guy explained that he loves her, but this was a step too far. Needless to say, he chose the latter.
The AITA community had no doubts and collectively deemed the guy NTA (Not The A-hole.) Some called his girlfriend a predator, suggesting he get a DNA test and a lawyer, while others doubted if she’s even really pregnant. However, they all agreed that the OP was taken advantage of and that the latest events were likely nothing more than an attempt at baby-trapping him.
Image credits: Camylla Battani (not the actual photo)
To better understand what grooming really is and how it occurs, we researched this a bit more. According to love is respect, grooming is a type of manipulative behavior that abusers use to gain access to a potential victim and get them to agree to the abuse, reducing the risk of being caught. While the primary targets for these predators tend to be younger kids, teens and young adults can just as well fall victim to these tactics. Unfortunately, the latter possibility is often overlooked.
In this day and age, the victims can be groomed either online or in person. To make it worse, the predator could be anybody. It can be a closely known person or an absolute stranger disguised as someone else. It is not limited to age, gender, race, or anything else.
Approximately 50% of child abuse cases are estimated to happen in succession to grooming. According to the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), online grooming crimes have increased by more than 80% in the past 4 years.
This process can be disguised as innocent friendliness in the beginning. Often involving touch, it may appear utterly appropriate at first glance, causing the person to become more comfortable with physical contact, which they’re likely to interpret as a loving gesture from another person they trust.
It may start with an adult interested in people under 18, texting them frequently, and/or asking them to meet, which, as the relationship develops, advances toward the victim’s emotional and physical isolation from their family and friends. Having figured out that person’s vulnerabilities, they might make their target feel like no one else can understand them better and encourage them to keep secrets from their close ones until they’re in total control.
Image credits: Jeremy Perkins (not the actual photo)
Seeking more knowledge, Bored Panda reached out to a forensic research psychologist, Ian A. Elliott, PhD, who provided us with some very valuable information regarding the subject.
Most of Dr. Elliott’s research has been on people who commit sexual offenses. However, one of his papers, “A Self-Regulation Model of Sexual Grooming,” was directly linked to our topic, and we couldn’t pass it up.
When asked about what was the motivation behind his focus on this specific topic, he started his reply by saying that it was twofold: “First, the existing models of grooming seemed to conflate the grooming process with the entire sexual abuse process, from targeting the victim to maintaining the abuse: my argument was that if everything is grooming, then nothing is grooming!”
“Secondly, the existing models were specific to the sexual abuse process, and I was sharing a corridor at Penn State with some terrorism experts who were also interested in the concept in terms of recruitment into violent extremist groups,” the psychologist explained. He also added that this paper was an attempt to learn from sexual abuse with the goal of developing a theory that could be applied to any kind of grooming.
To follow that up, we further asked Dr. Elliot what he could suggest to people who want to be better able to identify this predatory behavior early on:
“The problem with grooming is that so many of its behaviors overlap with ordinary non-grooming behaviors, like normal friendship-forming, which makes it incredibly difficult to detect,” the doctor began. “While I haven’t researched the experience of victims to understand better how to identify and prevent grooming, It’s a really complex and subtle process by its nature.”
The psychologist emphasizes that he doesn’t want to give the impression that anyone who feels they’ve been groomed should have been able to prevent or stop it. “It’s never their fault,” he adds.
Sometimes, however, it can be more than obvious. According to Ian A. Elliott, most victims speak of excessive flattery and early attempts at gentle boundary-pushing, which eventually leads to talk of sex, violence, or physical touching. “That first time might be easier to spot than the later ongoing increases in it.”
Lastly, we asked Dr. Elliot what he could recommend to people who want to help someone who found themselves in this kind of situation.
“Helping is also difficult,” the doctor started his reply, “if you have any evidence of or suspicions about criminal activity or abuse, then go to the relevant authorities immediately.”
He then continues by saying that in terms of more subtle behaviors, he would recommend making it obvious to the groomer that you know what they’re up to, even if, for one or another reason, you can’t say it outright. Because they make a great effort to ensure their motives remain undetected, knowing that someone took notice of their actions might work a perfect repellent for the groomer in question. “Or emphasize their behavior in the moment to take away the subtlety: ‘Wow, that’s excessive flattery! What are you after?!’” the psychologist adds with an example, after which he ends the answer to the last question by underlining the two of the most important things:
“be supportive and never say ‘I told you so’!”
“be supportive and never say ‘I told you so’!”
Unfortunately, even with all this information, there is no guaranteed prevention to shield you and those you love from this ugly side of the world. But in the end, being mindful might be all you need to notice what’s going on and intervene at the right time. And if you don’t know how to act, remember you’re not alone. We live in a wonderful age of technology where almost any information you seek is only a few clicks away.
But now, come join the comment section and share your thoughts about this story down below!
Redditors unanimously agreed that the poster is NTA and pointed out that the guy was groomed
