Juggling parenthood, work, and relationship issues is a mammoth task. So, it's no surprise that many couples crumble under bad conditions. According to a recent study, 47% of women and more than 30% of men in Germany feel too exhausted to take care of the household after work, leading to conflicts.
This family seemed to be on the brink of separation: the boyfriend felt unappreciated, the woman thought her partner didn't support her, and the kids were robbed of a loving and calm household. According to the man, his GF was just asking too much: for him to be the sole breadwinner, to help with the kids, and to get married so she could feel financially secure.
A man felt he was in an unbalanced relationship, but his girlfriend kept asking for more
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He was the one working full-time, taking care of the kids, getting no love in the bedroom, and being pressured to marry her
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Relationship satisfaction declines after having kids, but a strong foundation and a shared goal can help couples pull through
This might seem obvious to some, but having children can take a serious toll on a marriage. Research shows that couples with children have reported feelings of less passion, intimacy, and lower levels of romantic love than their childless counterparts.
Most couples experience some bumps in their relationship road. Researchers have found that the first 10 years of a relationship might be the rockiest. Relationship satisfaction fluctuates and declines regardless of whether the couple has kids or not.
Still, after the first baby is born, couples experience significant challenges. It's understandable that couples have less time to work on their relationship. Perhaps that's why parents have less relationship satisfaction than non-parents, especially the more children they have.
Mothers, research shows, are way more likely to be unhappy after their baby is born than fathers. According to a 2023 study, only 23% of married mothers say they're happy in their relationship. In contrast, 62% of married women without children say the same.
Experts blame exhaustion, parenting and work stress, and a growing lack of communication. But they also note that a relationship with a strong foundation can withstand the immense pressures of parenting.
"The foundation of a couple's relationship is very predictive of how they're going to adjust to the transition," Florida-based clinical psychologist Brittany Carswell, Ph.D., says. "Having a strong friendship and a healthy emotional connection are hugely important in the ability to regulate conflict."
Some experts liken being married to going to medical school. It's unimaginably hard, stressful, and hardly makes any students happy. But they want to be doctors, so they persevere and find the strength to reach their goals.
Lisa Schuman, LCSW, recommends that couples look at marriage and family the same. "You're picking your poison: if you really want a family, you're going to have to go through the highs and lows. But I think the highs are really high. It's going to be stressful but the goal is worthwhile."
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Experts say that expecting relationships to be 50/50 is not realistic
In an ideal world, both partners in a relationship should take on their fair share of parenting and household tasks, the financial load, the mental load, and other daily stressors. Yet, experts say that looking at a relationship as a business transaction will most likely lead to resentment, control, and withdrawal.
Most couples think they need to compromise: "I will do this if you do that." But psychotherapists Phyllis Koch-Sheras, Ph.D., and Peter Sheras, Ph.D., recommend looking at relationships through the prism of cooperation instead.
"The goal is not to give the same amount as the other but to give everything you have to give at that time — this creates cooperation, not compromise," they write. "It creates possibility rather than obligation. Everyone is trying their hardest no matter what each does in a given moment."
Cooperation, they say, is action without compromise. It's not sacrifice, obligation, suffering, or resignation. "Cooperation is an act of generosity and commitment to the entity of the couple. It means committing to keeping at it until you create a solution that meets your needs."
Another expert couple, Linda Bloom, L.C.S.W., and Charlie Bloom, M.S.W., reiterates this. "When couples are in the rhythm of giving to each other, they are sensitive to each other's needs and get great pleasure from bringing happiness to each other," they explain.
"There are a great many forms that these practices of devotion can take, including loving touch, gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service. Our greatest joy begins to come not from getting what we want, but from seeing the delight in our partner's eyes when they receive our offerings."
Relationships, according to the Sheras, shouldn't be 50/50. Instead, couples should aim for 100/100. "It's not about how or what each of you does but how you both want the relationship to be," they explain.
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"Makes me wonder why I am still there," he wrote in a reply to commenters
The advice ranged from thoughtful plans about what to do next to "Just leave dude, you guys are done"
