Many people deal with insecurities. Whether about their appearance, social status, or relationships, those insecurities can eat at them and even ruin marriages. People might do crazy things when they’re insecure, and not every partner might be willing to forgive.
This guy definitely went overboard when he started suspecting his wife might be cheating with a new coworker. When she wouldn’t shut up about him at home, the husband decided that the best course of action would be to follow his wife and see what was going on between them with his own eyes.
A husband stalked his wife to make sure she wasn’t cheating with a coworker
But when he confronted her about it, the conversation didn’t go as he had planned
Married people often get jealous when they feel insecure
Jealousy is an emotion most of us can understand. As kids, we might’ve felt jealous of a classmate who had a bigger, shinier toy. Similarly, as adults, we start feeling jealous when someone shows attention or interest in our partner.
However, jealousy in a relationship isn't the same as jealousy over an object. Granted, jealousy is a common emotion in relationships. A 2021 Turkish study found that 79% of men and 66% of women describe themselves as jealous individuals.
But experts say jealousy isn't about what the other person does; it comes from within. When we get jealous, we feel like we’re not giving our partner something; we feel lacking and not enough. According to Psychology Today, there are four most common reasons behind why we feel jealous:
- lack of self-esteem
- anxiety and neurosis
- controlling tendencies
- and fear of abandonment.
Feelings of jealousy are something couples should openly talk about
Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a therapist and professor at Northwestern University, describes jealousy as a threat of loss. As we invest more and more of ourselves into a relationship, we fear losing our partner more. “Jealousy in an intimate relationship arises in response to a real or perceived threat of losing someone who matters tremendously to us,” Dr. Solomon writes.
Nevertheless, it’s our job to soothe our fears and anxieties, and controlling behavior such as stalking, checking a partner’s phone, or giving ultimatums is not okay. Some people chalk up their bouts of jealousy to their attachment style; for example, those with an anxious attachment style may believe that they can’t function in any other way and thus demand that their partner not do things that make them jealous.
But Dr. Solomon emphasizes that it’s the jealous person’s job to deal with their insecurities, lack of trust, and impulses when jealousy takes over. What’s more, tackling it as a couple might be the most effective way.
“Take responsibility for your feeling,” she writes. “Responsibility and blame aren’t the same. Responsibility and shame aren’t the same. Don’t say, ‘You make me jealous.’ Instead say, ‘I am feeling jealous. Can we work on this together?’”
Not all age-gap relationships are one and the same
Some of the husband’s insecurity in this story stems from the fact that he’s 15 years older than his wife. He worries that he’s not as physically attractive and that his wife might start looking at men closer to her age.
Relationships with a big age difference are uncommon, but, interestingly, the average age gap between husbands and wives in the U.S. has actually never been lower. According to data from the Pew Research Center, most (51%) heterosexual couples are two or fewer years apart in age. 40% of husbands are three years or older than their wives.
As of 2011, about 8.5% of couples had an age gap of 10 years or more. Such relationships are often referred to as May-December romances, as one of the partners is in the so-called spring of their life, and the other — nearer the end.
While there’s a lot of debate about age-gap relationships being problematic, age difference itself isn't an immediate predictor of how long a relationship will last. Research tends to show that relationships with an age difference of 10 years are 39% more likely to dissolve than peer relationships, but some couples defy the odds.
Behavioral analyst and career trial attorney Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., writes for Psychology Today that judgment from others or the older partner’s health issues are the most likely reasons May-December couples break up. Usually, they start out as happy couples, but their relationship satisfaction can plummet significantly over time.
Commenters called out the husband for his stalkerish behavior: “You’re just jealous and insecure”
Others sympathized with him, chalking up his actions to said insecurities and believed he had the right to be suspicious
After reading the feedback, the husband opened up about his insecurities to his wife
Some commenters praised the husband for getting honest, others still saw heaps of red flags
