When you fall in love, there might be a part of you that wants to share everything with your partner. You dream of building a life together, purchasing a home to share and adopting a couple of adorable dogs from the local shelter.
But even if you’re head over heels in love and married, you still deserve to have some privacy from your partner. One man recently reached out to Reddit looking for advice after he found out just how closely his wife had been monitoring him. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as conversations with Mila Smith, founder of “From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consultancy, and Dr. Lee Baucom, marriage therapist and founder of Save the Marriage.
Everyone is entitled to privacy, even if they're married
This man began wondering how much he could trust his wife after realizing how closely she's been keeping tabs on him
Image credits: Image-Source / envato (not the actual photo)
After confronting his wife, the man shared a couple of updates on his situation
Image credits: [deleted]
"Having access (on demand) and regular monitoring (in secret) are two very different things"
To gain more insight into this situation, we reached out to a couple of relationship experts: Mila Smith, founder of “From Single to Couple” Relationship & Dating Consultancy, and Dr. Lee Baucom, marriage therapist and founder of Save the Marriage. They were kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss how much access couples should have to one another's devices.
"You won’t be surprised when I say: this is very individual, and what works for some couples, may not work for others," Mila shared. "When people’s lives are intertwined, especially when they have children, families and joint accounts, it’s not unusual or unhealthy to have access to each other’s phones and digital accounts. In fact, it could be helpful on occasions when one of the partners is busy and needs something done urgently etc."
"However, having access (on demand) and regular monitoring (in secret) are two very different things," she continued. "The key question, which by the way, hasn’t been addressed in the original post, is WHY? Why does the poster’s wife feel the need to track her husband’s every step? Did he give her any reasons to mistrust him? Is she a deeply insecure person who needs constant reassurance by simply seeing he’s not doing anything untoward?"
Dr. Baucom says a reasonable amount of access is what spouses agree to. "This is about trust, both ways," he noted. "A spouse trusting that someone is not doing anything to threaten the marriage. And a spouse trusting that their privacy is respected."
"In this case, there doesn’t seem to have been any suspicion that might lead to a need for less privacy. The core issue sounds like, in this case, the balance of control," the therapist says. "And that points to an issue of undeserved mistrust."
“There are certain trust-building exercises which can improve the situation"
We were also curious about whether keeping some things private from your partner can be beneficial for trust or harmful for a relationship.
"Allowing privacy certainly can facilitate trust," Dr. Baucom says. "Remember, trust in this situation, is a two-way street. Trusting someone to be maintaining boundaries with others. And trusting someone to maintain boundaries within the marriage."
"When people start dating and getting to know each other, it’s not advisable to open up and share absolutely everything from the start as it could lead to overwhelm. It’s better to disclose information and feelings gradually," Mila added. "Think of it as peeling onions: one layer at a time."
But when people have been together for years, Mila says they usually become a lot more open with each other. "However, I must add that the degree of openness, again, is rather individual, and depends on your personality," she pointed out. "Introverted people are more likely to keep things to themselves: not out of malice, but simply because they are less comfortable opening up."
"Also, women tend to share more than men do – we even have different communication styles," she continued. "In fact, our brains are wired differently, so on average, women seek emotional connection on every level, while men tend to 'compartmentalize' things and only share what they consider necessary."
Mila noted that trust is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.
"There are certain trust-building exercises which can improve the situation (hiding things is not one of them): Reveal parallel intimate information, share past or present events or feelings," she shared.
"Take initiative and reveal something personal. Hold a trust chat: ask your partner what it means to them, is it acceptable to keep secrets, and discuss expectations," Mila recommends. "Engage in team building activities: could be sports or gardening or even having a new pet – the important part is doing it together and sharing responsibility."
"Personal privacy and relational boundaries should always include a conversation, so both are on the same page"
Finally, we asked the experts how a couple can work through a situation like this.
"There is a core question about why there is a mistrust here. It seems that the point of privacy has been reset on multiple occasions, for reasons that may make sense, but still point to fear (the root of mistrust)," Dr. Baucom told Bored Panda. "The real question here is what is driving the fear that is leading to mistrust, and how can that be either resolved or understood? What agreements and understandings need to be reestablished? And what balance in the level of comfort can they establish?"
"The original poster’s feelings of anger and betrayal are completely understandable because, as he stated, he uncovered 'an orchestrated (and successful) act of continued deception,'" Mila added. "He already made it clear to his wife, so the next step is to have a conversation about the underlying reasons. Without knowing why this is happening, they’re going to struggle to get past this challenge."
"Try to approach your partner in a non-accusatory way and understand what drove them to that behavior, be it deep insecurity or some unfounded suspicious," she continued. "Only then can you address the real issue together and find a compromise which is workable for both parties."
Dr. Baucom also pointed out that the wife clearly understands what she's doing is not okay because she is embarrassed. "When someone is embarrassed by such actions, it is a fair indication that the choice or decision is not one that they wholly stand behind. Which means, a conversation should have been had," he explained. "Personal privacy and relational boundaries should always include a conversation, so both are on the same page… And then they are on the same team."
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Then, you can find another Bored Panda article discussing similar marital issues right here.
Readers warned the husband that his wife's behavior is extremely concerning, and potentially even be dangerous
