Divorce can be brutal. When two people who once shared a life together are left to untangle everything, it can get complicated. Who gets the house? Who gets the kids? And who gets the mutual friends?
One man says he's finally learning to set healthy boundaries with his ex-wife after a pretty rough marriage. He's planned a trip away with his new girlfriend and a couple, who are friends with both him and his ex. All was going according to plan until the friends insisted he allows his ex-wife stay at his house while he's away. When he refused, they called him "selfish" and pulled out of the vacation.
He wants to hire a pet sitter to look after his pooch during his upcoming vacation with his new girlfriend and another couple
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
But the friends are insisting his ex-wife stays at his house, and they won't go with unless he agrees
Image credits: RemoteDiligent7640
Image credits: karlyukav / magnific (not the actual photo)
Many fully understood where the man was coming from and questioned his friends' motives
Some felt he was being "weird" and should try a more healthy approach
Why healthy boundaries are essential after a divorce, according to experts
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Boundaries come in all shapes and sizes but what they have in common is that they are essential for anyone who wants to maintain peace in their life. This is especially true after a divorce or breakup when you’re trying to heal and rebuild your life.
As the experts from Schipani Law Group explain, emotional boundaries help you manage your reactions and protect your peace, physical boundaries set limits on personal space, and communication boundaries outline when, how, and why communication happens.
“In a divorce, it is also common to revisit financial boundaries,” they add. “This may include clarifying your budget, updating accounts, and ensuring that any financial agreements are carried out as intended.”
The lawyers, who have seen what happens when divorced couples don't have boundaries, explain that while navigating a difficult split, it's essential for each party to protect their emotional space. Without boundaries, they say, old patterns from the relationship may continue, making it harder to move forward.
Suzy Brown, the founder of Midlife Divorce Survivor says that setting boundaries after divorce gives you time and space to grieve your losses, and start healing from the overwhelming ordeal of the divorce itself.
Brown believes that the boundaries should extend to your divorce narrative, too. This means at some point, you need to stop replaying the same story about how and why you and your ex parted ways.
“When you’re ready, let friends and family members know that you are taking a break from conversations about the ex and the divorce,” she suggests, noting that this is particularly important if you’ve started dating again.
“No friend or potential future partner wants to hear a continual barrage of horrible stories about our ex or about our broken or furious heart,” Brown writes.
As many of us know, friends often get caught in the middle of a divorce. It important to set some boundaries with them, too. For example, you may want to create a rule that there will be no trash-talking the ex. It might also be helpful to discuss early on whether you're comfortable attending events where your ex-spouse could be present.
But always be prepared to lose a few friendships along the way.
"Despite your best efforts, some mutual friends will inevitably gravitate towards one spouse or the other. This often happens organically, based on deeper pre-existing connections or simply who they feel more comfortable with," explain the experts at the Brandon Legal Group. "Don’t take it personally. Acknowledge the loss, mourn it if you need to, and then focus your energy on the friendships that remain genuinely supportive and respectful of your new situation."
He later responded to those who accused him of being inconsistent and clarified a few points
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Dealing with relationship or dating drama like this? Visit our Family Dynamics Hub for expert-backed guides on toxic roles, boundaries, and rebuilding trust.