“His Wife Said Those Didn’t Count”: SIL Refuses A Handmade Gift, Demands A New One Instead

Getting someone a gift, no matter the occasion, is not something one has to do (even if they are strongly incentivized by a sense of obligation); they choose to do it, typically in good faith. But not all recipients are equally grateful for gifts, especially when it’s not something they expected or wanted.

Take this redditor’s SIL, for instance; when he couldn’t afford a gift off the registry, the OP put a great deal of time and effort into making a handmade one. However, the woman refused to accept it, and went as far as to demand that he got her a different gift instead.

Scroll down to find the full story below where you will also find Bored Panda’s interviews with a psychiatrist and philosopher Neel Burton, and psychotherapist and psychoanalyst F. Diane Barth, who were kind enough to share their views on gift giving and family relationships.

A gift is usually an act of kindness, a token of one’s love and appreciation for the receiver, which the giver really hopes that they like. And while they are sometimes given out of obligation, whether or not to give someone a gift is ultimately a choice.

“Like love and friendship, gifts ought to be given freely,” psychiatrist and philosopher, author of Heaven and Hell: The Psychology of the Emotions, Neel Burton told Bored Panda in a recent interview, adding that strict demands in regards to gifts should never be made. “Otherwise, the gift is no longer a gift, but a contribution or transaction,” he said.

An expert in psychotherapy and psychoanalysis, F. Diane Barth seconded the idea that giving gifts should be done with one’s free will. “While I think it’s very important that people be able to ask for something that they want, demanding it takes away the whole idea of it as a gift. A gift is something that’s given freely, and when it becomes a response to a demand, it runs the danger of no longer being given freely.”

Though, according to Burton, accepting a gift binds the receiver in some way to the giver, based on the nature and value of the gift. That is why a person should be mindful in accepting gifts, especially things of great value.

Talking about sentimental value and handmade gifts, he suggested that there is nothing more heartfelt than a handmade gift, particularly in the context of a new arrival. “Refusing the handmade gift is likely to lead to feelings of hurt, resentment, and sadness, and negatively impact the relationship between the two families.”

F. Diane Barth also believed that refusing to accept a handmade gift can hurt the gift-giver’s feelings. In an interview with Bored Panda, she said that there are a few things to keep in mind when accepting gifts: the first one, consisting of two parts, is that you don’t have to take a gift and you don’t owe the person who is giving you the gift anything. “[Secondly,] even if you don’t like something, it’s useful to be as kind and respectful of the giver as possible,” she said.

Being respectful and kind is arguably especially important when the gift is presented by family members, who are often held to a different standard when it comes to gifts. In Neel Burton’s opinion, that is partly because family members tend to be more bound and forgiving, and partly because they cannot walk away from the relationship easily.

According to Barth, the reason why family members often have to face higher expectations—which is a view both the OP’s mom and sister-in-law seemed to foster—is based on people assuming that family members know them better than anyone else, and so people expect family to treat them based on that knowledge.

“The psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut said that we expect family members to operate like they’re part of us – when our arm doesn’t do what we expect it to do, for example, we get upset with it. And when it comes to gifts, we expect our family to know us like they know themselves, and therefore to know exactly what we would like and give it to us.”

The OP’s sister-in-law made sure that people knew what she wanted to get by registering for gifts, but the redditor admitted to not being in a position where he could buy anything from it. So he decided to create a gift with his own hands, which, in fellow netizens’ eyes, didn’t make him a jerk at all; they shared their views in the comments.