Boundaries mean everything. It might be difficult saying ‘no’ to your family’s requests, sure. But if you constantly feel forced to put your interests on the back burner, you might eventually feel frustrated and resentful toward your nearest and dearest. In some cases, the conversation about boundaries can be really difficult because your relatives are dealing with serious personal issues.
Case in point, one internet user opened up about how he stopped celebrating Halloween with his family after a particularly nasty incident years ago. Scroll down for the full story, including a very important update. Bored Panda has reached out to the author, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from him.
One internet user shared how pressure from his family made him detest Halloween celebrations with them
Image credits: Iakobchuk / envato (not the actual photo)
AITA for refusing to have Halloween with my family for years after they screwed me over on this holiday years ago?
"As the title says this happened on Halloween. I'm 25M and 5 years ago my parents wanted to go to my sister's house for Halloween. At the time I was still living with them, and I wanted to go to a party a friend was hosting. But my parents were adamant that I go with them instead because they wanted us all to be together. I still wanted to go to my friend's party and my parents suggested a compromise in which I go to my sister's party first. Then my friend's. I figured it couldn't hurt to do both, so I agreed since I liked helping my nephews with trick or treating. And that year I was wearing an inflatable ninja costume I was really eager to have fun in.
Well I was ready and waiting in the costume for hours. And by the time we finally took the kids out, most houses stopped giving candy and there was hardly anybody walking around. And we only went around the block, that's it. Then when I wanted to go to my friend's house my parents guilted me into staying because they needed me as a designated driver. I would have driven them home first and then gone to my friend's party. But my parents just kept drinking and refused to leave. So I lost out on going the other party and cussed my parents out for making me miss it and not even being able to enjoy my Halloween. They just said that it was too late, and what could they do about it. They didn't even attempt to make it up to me.
I refused to speak with them later. So they confronted me and I said I didn't even want to look at them because they broke their promise. Then I said that unless they could somehow pull a new Halloween party with all my friends out of their a***s, then they had completely screwed me over. Then I left before they could say anything else to me. My friends were nearly as upset as I was. But my sister told me off and said I was callous because she had wanted me there. Ever since that year I only spent Halloween with friends.
This year my parents begged me to go with them to my sister's instead. I asked why and they wanted me to drive them. So I refused and said they just wanted a designated driver. And they'd already screwed me over before and didn't even attempt to make it better back then. And I didn't wanna just sit around watching them get drunk with the only real highlight being helping kids trick or treat. I hung out with my friends and we had a blast with a farmyard party. But my sister called me up on Monday furious at me because our parents were pulled over on their way home and got a DUI, and that this would have never happened if I had driven them. And now most of the family is pissed at me.
So AITA for refusing to drive my parents to my sister's house for Halloween because of something they did 5 years ago?"
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
UPDATE: "My sister and her husband spotted my post a few days after I made it and called me. My sister said she's ashamed of herself and now sees my point of view. At first she was furious I made the post. But her husband chewed her out for not ever sticking up for me because he really had no idea my parents treated me this badly. And after they both read the comments she realized how toxic this whole dynamic was. At first she blamed it on the stress of being a mother. But quickly took that back and said she really has no excuse for never considering me in these situations.
We talked and she remarked how I've always loved Halloween ever since I was a little kid. And she let my parents ruin it for me that day 5 years ago, even though she knew about the promise they broke. The conversation got pretty emotional and she apologized heavily because she had put the blame on me when she was the one who let our parents drink and drive year after year.
I've got more details now. And my mother is actually the one who got the DUI. I'd assumed our father. But he apparently was so wasted that he was on the verge of passing out, and pretty much did as soon as he was in the car. Our mother insisted that she was ok to drive, and then ran a red light. That's how a cop spotted her and she was arrested. The car was impounded and our father was escorted home by police to sleep it off. He woke up with a raging hangover and a temper to match. Then took it all out on my sister over the phone, and she in turn took it out on me.
Our mother has had her license suspended, the car cost them $600 to get out of impound, and both of my parents were putting this on me. Until we all ganged up on them for what they've been doing. Our father fought us every step of the way. But we made it clear they've been putting their alcoholism above everything else and we're tired of it because there have been a lot of broken promises from them all around. Our mother promised to do better, but our father just stayed silent and wouldn't make eye contact with any of us.
Things are tense now. But I'm glad my sister is finally on my side in all of this."
Credits: FatNinjaThrowaway00
The clearer someone is with their boundaries, the better for everyone. Vagueness will have the opposite effect
Time magazine suggests that people first figure out what their boundaries are and then calmly and clearly articulate them.
Once you’ve drawn a line in the sand, everyone will be aware when those boundaries are violated.
The more direct you are, the better. This really isn’t the time for vagueness. If someone violated your boundaries, consider giving them a chance to correct their behavior.
Of course, if this happens constantly, you shouldn’t feel guilty about enforcing your boundaries and prioritizing your welfare.
There has to be a give-and-take dynamic in any relationship in order for it to be healthy. It’s natural to look for compromises with the people closest to you at times.
Some individuals change their needs and preferences to fit in with others, which erodes their authenticity
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / pexels (not the actual photo)
However, if one side always feels like it has to sideline its interests to keep the other side happy, then they end up sacrificing their authenticity and individuality.
Forbes calls this effect ‘chameleoning.’ It’s what happens when adaptation is taken too far, and a person ends up changing their personality depending on the social situation.
At its core, ‘chameleoning’ revolves around putting all of your needs and preferences aside and adapting to those of someone else.
One reason why someone might do this is because they are very dependent on external validation. In short, they base their self-worth on what others say and think about them.
There needs to be a balance between people-pleasing and authenticity. You don't want to allow your kindness to turn into people-pleasing
Image credits: fauxels / pexels (not the actual photo)
Paradoxically, being too flexible can erode the trust you build with others. People tend to respect authenticity and clear intentions. If someone knows that you’ll change your behavior based on whatever the folks around you do and think, they might see you as too unpredictable.
According to Forbes, many individuals actually find comfort or pride in becoming people-pleasers because they see it as an expression of empathy and kindness, which are socially desirable traits.
However, there needs to be a healthy balance between empathy and self-expression. Too much of the former and your needs will remain unfulfilled: people-pleasing erodes the foundation of personal growth and mutual respect. Too much of the latter, however, and you might push some people away or be seen as arrogant.
What do you think of the way the author of the viral story handled the situation with his family? Would you have done anything differently? Have you ever felt like you’ve lost a lot of love for a holiday because of some bad incidents in the past? Let us know in the comments.
Most readers were incredibly supportive of the author and wanted to share their thoughts
A few internet users had a slightly different take on what happened. Here's their perspective
