It’s natural to want to help your loved ones, especially in times of crisis and deep grief. However, at some point, you might start asking yourself whether you’re being taken advantage of and whether kindness should have limits. And these sorts of questions can make folks feel very uncomfortable.
Redditor u/drowningunder broached a very sensitive topic. She turned to the AITA community for advice on how she called out her grieving brother, who lost his wife 14 months ago, for not pulling his weight around the house. You’ll find the full story as you read on. Bored Panda has reached out to u/drowningunder via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
Family members ought to help out their nearest and dearest in their time of grief. Their support is invaluable, however, there have to be limits
Image credits: Alena Darmel (not the actual photo)
A woman turned to the internet for advice after she shared how she finally had to call out her brother, a widower, for taking advantage of her kindness
Image credits: Timur Weber (not the actual photo)
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: drowningunder
Image credits: Nadin Sh (not the actual photo)
Many women are still expected to do most of the housework and childcare
The situation that u/drowningunder found herself in is very emotionally charged. On the one hand, she wants to support her brother who lost his wife, and her three nieces who lost her mom. On the other hand, the OP recognizes that her sibling might have been taking advantage of her goodness, essentially turning her into a version of his wife, who used to do all the chores, cooking, and childcare on top of her job.
According to the redditor, her brother was unwilling to hire a housekeeper or a nanny. What’s more, he didn’t seem to be interested in coming up with a system to remind himself of everything that he had to do. “He said as family I should be willing to help. I said I’d help but I’m not his wife,” u/drowningunder wrote.
It is completely understandable to be so devastated by the loss of one’s partner that you’re unable to do even the simplest tasks. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask your family and friends for help. However, there are two issues at play here. One of them is the fact that the dad has a responsibility to take care of his children now that he’s the only parent around. No matter how hard it is, he must rise to the challenge because others depend on him.
The other question is how much help and for what period of time can someone who’s grieving ask for? And this is where things get murky because everyone grieves differently, and time has very little to do with this, despite the old adage that ‘time heals all wounds’—it’s not a given. But when someone seems to be aggressively dodging any and all responsibilities because they know that someone else will pick up after them, then it seems like it’s time to have an honest heart-to-heart about where to go from there.
It is unfair that women still have to shoulder most of the burden when it comes to chores and other responsibilities at home. Recent findings by the Pew Research Center indicate that even in so-called egalitarian marriages where women earn the same as men, the former still end up doing most of the housework and childcare.
“Even as financial contributions have become more equal in marriages, the way couples divide their time between paid work and home life remains unbalanced,” CNN reports on Pew’s findings.
“Husbands in egalitarian marriages spend about 3.5 hours more per week on leisure activities than wives do. Wives in these marriages spend roughly 2 hours more per week on caregiving than husbands do and about 2.5 hours more on housework.”
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Everyone experiences grief very differently
As psychotherapist Silva Neves, from the UK, previously explained to us during an interview, people grieve differently. “Some grieve with a lot of crying and others grieve with being practical, and anything else in between. Not seeing any tears does not mean that people are not grieving,” he told Bored Panda earlier.
“The process lasts as long as it needs to last, there is no time limit. Usually, grieving diminishes over time, which means that people become less and less upset over time, but some people will never ‘recover’ from grieving, especially those who lost a very important person. Most people learn to live with grief and sadness. Significant dates, such as anniversaries, may always be painful.,” he said.
“Although there are some common knowledge about grief, such as ‘stages of grief’, a lot of people don’t follow ‘stages’ of grief because grief can be messy and unpredictable. The best way to support someone who is grieving is by sitting with them, listening to them and that’s it,” Neves pointed out.
“It is also important not to tell people ‘I know how you feel’ because grieving is so unique, nobody can know what another person’s grieving feels like, but perhaps we can imagine how painful it is. A lot of people get a lot of support with grief at the beginning of the loss, but often people stop talking about after a while,” the psychotherapist explained.
“Grieving people usually do appreciate their friends asking about it, even a year later or two years later. Don’t be afraid to ask the question, ‘How are you?’ and allow the grieving person to speak. Ask them for what they need but don’t assume what they need. Sometimes a grieving person might need a hug, but sometimes they may need to sit in silence. Sometimes they may need to be distracted with something else, other times they may want to talk about their pain.”
Image credits: Lisa Fotios (not the actual photo)
Involving the grieving person in social activities can help them heal
Meanwhile, a woman who lost her husband, redditor u/MorriganNiConn, recently shared some advice on Bored Panda on how family members can support their loved ones in their time of grief.
“Do not utter all those platitudes about the dead person being in a better place, that their suffering is done, that they’re with Jesus now (you don’t know what their beliefs were or not), etc. Sometimes, what we need is for those who would comfort us is to simply be with us. Sit with us. Pass the tissue box. Hold our hand. And be silent. And that is hard, but it is infinitely kinder than hearing some trite platitude,” she shared.
“Do generously share your memories of your friendship, relationship, work anecdotes, etc., of the dead person and not only in the days or weeks after they’ve died, but in the months and years that follow,” she said.
“Do not encourage the surviving spouse/partner to ‘move on.’ There is no erasing that person from our lives. We move forward and we grow around our grief, but the impact of our loved one in our life is always going to be with us. Expect that even when the survivors are doing good, they will still have moments that bring up sad feelings or longings for that person. And don’t infantilize or try to correct them for it. Grief is natural and a part of life,” the widow shared with us.
“Invite them for local holidays and family gatherings where there are light-hearted things going on. Don’t judge them negatively if they decline, but be happy—and let them know you’re happy—when they accept and show up!” she added that the person who’s grieving may not know what they need or want, as it takes a while to “sort that stuff out mentally and emotionally.”
She added that people have to accept that in the first few months, the grieving person might not know what they really need or want. “It takes a while to sort that stuff out mentally and emotionally.”
The author of the post answered a few questions in the comments of her post
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