Housework is unavoidable. It’s a huge part of being an adult. Whether we like it or not, we have to clean up after ourselves. The reality is that some people go to extreme lengths to dodge the responsibility and then dump it on others.
Case in point, one anonymous woman turned to the AITA online community for help regarding a delicate situation at home. She revealed how she’s forced to do most of the chores while her partner naps a whopping 4 hours every single day, which is far more than the healthy amount. Scroll down for the story in full. Bored Panda has reached out to the author via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
Meanwhile, Bored Panda got in touch with Marisa T. Cohen, Ph.D., LMFT, who is a relationship scientist, a marriage and family therapist, and teaches college-level psychology courses. She was kind enough to shed some light on dividing up the chores at home in a fair way. You'll find the insights she shared with us as you read on.
Excessive napping indicates that someone might have some serious health issues that they should see a specialist about
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One woman revealed how she called out her boyfriend for napping for hours instead of helping more with the chores
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages (not the actual photo)
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Adults are advised to nap for 10-20 minutes if they want to feel alert
The OP’s story touches on two main issues. The first is her boyfriend’s abnormal amount of time spent sleeping and napping. The second is that her partner does not do his fair share of chores at home, leaving most of the housework for his girlfriend to do.
To put it rather bluntly, if someone’s sleeping 14-15 hours each day, with 4-hour long naps, they probably need to see a doctor or sleep specialist. They might be dealing with some serious physical or even mental health issues (e.g. depression).
Feeling chronically exhausted and unable to do basic housework to this extent is not normal, and the person has to take steps to alleviate the problem. Not just for themselves but for their partner, too. Sleeping so much is already impacting the relationship. The man doesn’t have enough time or energy to clean up around the house, while his girlfriend is working, studying, and commuting all over the place.
Aside from booking a meeting with some specialists, the man ought to consider looking at how he spends his day in detail. Eating more nutritious food, drinking plenty of water, going outside, and exercising more should help. Greatly reducing caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine consumption is also going to make things better, if these substances are an issue.
According to Healthline, most adults should limit their naps to 10-20 minutes so that they feel refreshed. Longer naps are going to leave you groggy and more tired. However, if you’ve been sleep-deprived, your naps should be long enough to complete a full sleep cycle, i.e. at least 90 minutes.
However, 4-hour naps are nearly 3 sleep cycles long, which is far too much. Especially considering that the man in the OP’s story gets plenty of rest at night, too.
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"It's always helpful to start the conversation when both people are feeling ready to engage"
According to Dr. Cohen, women not only tend to do more of the work at home, but they also have a greater mental load. "This means they are often the ones who have to keep a running list of the tasks that need to be completed and remember important deadlines. They are also often in charge of splitting up the tasks and monitoring progress, which can be a job in and of itself," she told Bored Panda in an email.
"It's important to have a discussion about the tasks that need to be completed as well as the cadence of these chores. It can be the case that both partners are not aware of the work that needs to be done and what the upkeep of the home looks like. It can also be the case that both people have different ideas of how tasks can be accomplished and what type of chores are important," Dr. Cohen said.
She stressed how vital it is that both people in the relationship are on the same page when it comes to this. However, chores do not have to be split 50/50, neatly in half. "It is best to take ownership of things that you like doing. For example, some people enjoy folding the laundry (seriously!). It is important to consider what each person wants to do as this can help with the division of labor. It's also important to think about each person's strengths when it comes to splitting up the chores. Finally, if you are feeling frustrated that the roles aren't split equitably, it's important to voice that."
Bored Panda was interested in finding out how someone might broach the topic of dividing up the chores in the first place, if their partner tends to avoid pulling their weight.
"It's always helpful to start the conversation when both people are feeling ready to engage. Discussing the roles and responsibilities in the home while your partner is running out the door isn't going to be productive," Dr. Cohen pointed out.
"When you are both able to have the conversation, explain what you are hoping to achieve (i.e., more equitable division of labor) and why. The why is your opportunity to explain, using 'I' language (in which you share your feelings about a situation), how the current distribution is affecting you. Once you feel heard, it's important to come up with a plan (created together) for how you can achieve the goals you set for roles and responsibilities," she told us.
Image credits: Lisa Fotios (not the actual photo)
The way that couples divide up the chores has to make sense for their household
Dividing up the chores in a fair and logical way is absolutely fundamental in long-term relationships. If this issue doesn’t get addressed, it can lead to a lot of frustration and resentment. That’s only going to gnaw away at the foundations of the relationship.
It becomes very hard to love someone, no matter how fantastic they are, if you constantly have to beg them to do basic things like wash the dishes, vacuum the floor, take out the trash, and do the laundry.
However, the reality is that even in egalitarian marriages, women do more housework and childcare than men, who have more time for leisure. In a recent study by the Pew Research Center, women were found to do around 2 more hours of caregiving and 2.5 additional hours of housework every week.
If both partners work full-time, they need to find a way to share the housework more or less equally. Alternatively, they should consider who spends more time at home so that one person can do slightly more housework while their partner is away.
One saving grace here is that the couple can divide the chores in a way so that they both end up doing less of what they dislike. For example, if one of them deeply loathes doing the dishes, they might pass that responsibility to their partner who doesn’t mind it. Meanwhile, the latter person might detest vacuuming, but their partner actually enjoys it.
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach here. But the bottom line is that these conversations about chores need to happen. Otherwise, the entire relationship is at risk.
Most internet users supported the author of the post and had some practical advice for her
However, some readers had a very different take on the situation. Here's there's perspective
