As exciting as moving in together can be for a couple, there’s often a bit of a rough patch when they first get settled. Adjusting to one another’s living habits and agreeing on what kind of furniture will look best in your home can require making some compromises. But eventually, you’ll find our rhythm, and it’ll all be smooth sailing! Well, as long as you both contribute equally to the household chores.
One woman recently reached out to MumsNet asking for advice on how to teach her partner to start taking on some of the domestic labor in their home. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as some of the replies readers left her.
Taking on the bulk of domestic labor in your household can be exhausting
Image credits: Getty Images/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
After months of handling all of the chores in her home, this woman decided that her partner needs to start pulling his weight
Image credits: Getty Images/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: glensof
Later, the woman responded to several commenters and shared more details about her situation
Women tend to take on over twice as much domestic labor as men
Image credits: Getty Images/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
In theory, partners would each take on 50% of the responsibilities in their household and live together in perfect harmony. But that’s just not realistic. If one person works longer hours and earns more money than their partner, they might end up doing less of the cleaning around the house. And I personally love cooking, so I end up making dinner 5 or 6 times a week in my household.
But problems can quickly arise when one person ends up being responsible for the bulk of domestic labor in their home, even if they never agreed to that. According to the Gender Equity Policy Institute, women tend to spend over twice as much time as men on household chores and childcare. And women report having 13% less free time than men because of this.
Meanwhile, the Pew Research Center reports that in a growing number of American households, women are earning just as much, if not more, than their husbands. In 1972, men were the breadwinners in a whopping 85% of marriages. But by 2022, that number had shrunk to only 55%.
It’s also important to keep in mind that there’s still a prevalent gender pay gap in the United States, with women earning about 80% of what men make for the same jobs. Yet women have still found a way to catch up to how much their partners are earning.
So how does it impact a relationship when one person is expected to do the majority of the cooking, cleaning and childcare while the other sits on the couch playing video games or goes out to play golf with their friends? Well, it can take a huge toll on a marriage or even lead to divorce.
Weaponized incompetence can take a huge toll on relationships
Image credits: Gabriel Ponton/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
In fact, Verywell Mind notes that, “Evidence suggests that couples who believe the work should be evenly divided are happier than those who don't.”
And that’s not surprising. Being responsible for domestic duties can cause someone to carry a huge mental load, but you can feel immense relief if you know that your partner will help you out and tag team cleaning the house to make sure it gets done twice as fast.
But another possible issue at play in this particular story is weaponized incompetence. This is when someone pretends that they don’t know how to accomplish a task or purposefully does it poorly to get their partner to do it instead.
This might include burning dinner to avoid cooking in the future, ruining a load of laundry to make sure your wife does it next time or pretending to be ignorant when it comes to which cleaning supplies should be used where.
Verywell Mind explains that this is a tactic some people use in their relationships to avoid responsibility, avoid discomfort, get attention or maintain control over their partner. And while there’s nothing wrong with needing to be taught how to properly mop the floors or prepare a decent meal, it can be a huge burden if one partner has to constantly hold their partner’s hand and walk them through every step of a household chore.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this story in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this woman’s partner can be taught to help out around the house, or is it a lost cause? Feel free to weigh in. Then, you can check out another Bored Panda article discussing similar issues right here.
Readers shared thoughtful advice, but some warned the author that this problem might never go away
