While most people have the same physical needs—food, shelter, clothing, safety, stability—their emotional needs might differ. And though we all want (and need!) love, respect, and support, the specifics can vary a lot from individual to individual. The same applies to kids. Some might want a closer relationship with their parents; others might want a bit more space.
A redditor, who goes by the username u/adopterdaddd1652, wrote up a very powerful post on the AITA subreddit, asking for the community’s input about his family situation. The OP is a man who hopes to adopt one of his wife’s children—the younger daughter. However, he doesn’t want to do the same with the teenage son, and explained exactly why.
The internet reacted in a surprising way to the story. Scroll down to read the full post, in the dad’s own words. Be sure to share your thoughts and feelings on this in the comments, Pandas. Remember, adoption is a sensitive subject, so be kind.
Developing a relationship with someone who already has children can be rewarding yet challenging
Image credits: Allen Taylor (not the actual photo)
A man shared why he'd love to become the stepdad to his wife's daughter, but would rather not adopt her teenage son
Image credits: Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas (not the actual photo)
Image credits: adopterdaddd1652
The dad explained that he feels a genuine bond with his wife’s daughter. He was absolutely delighted when the eight-year-old asked him to adopt her. However, on the flip side, her fifteen-year-old son doesn’t see him as a potential stepfather, ‘merely’ his mom’s new husband.
“He's never liked me and has no interest in bonding with me. He won't come on one-on-one days out with me and never really has, will barely speak to me, doesn't want me to come to his school sports, doesn't want me to know about his life or his friends or his hobbies, etc. The few times I've managed to convince him to come somewhere with me out of necessity, he seemed like the unhappiest kid ever and so I've stopped forcing it now,” the OP writes.
The issue is that, according to the post author’s wife, he’d have to adopt both kids in the interest of ‘fairness.’ She doesn’t want her kids treated differently or someone being excluded, and doesn’t appear to fully understand his position. That’s why u/adopterdaddd1652 turned to the AITA community for their advice. And they’ve been delightfully supportive.
Some redditors had truly great pieces of advice. Someone suggested asking the teenager if he’d like to be adopted and telling him that he can always change his mind if he ends up saying ‘no.’ Someone else pointed out that treating kids fairly can mean meeting their very different needs. The road to happiness might be very different for them: the daughter may prefer adoption; the son might need space and independence.
Like in pretty much every area of life, open and honest communication is the best way forward. The first step to solving any complex family issue is to get everyone on the same page. Find out everyone’s goals and expectations, and look for some reasonable compromises. Being part of a family usually means that we don’t fully get what we want because we have to adapt to the wants and needs of our loved ones. So everyone has to have at least a bit of flexibility.
The cold harsh truth is that you can never force someone to love or respect you: that comes over time, naturally. If you put in genuine effort to connect with someone, consistently, but there’s no feedback, you simply move on with your life without holding a grudge. Friendships and relationships (whether familial, platonic, or romantic) are two-way streets. And one person can’t do all the heavy lifting and be expected to always set aside all of their needs.
According to the Australian parenting website ‘Raising Children,’ becoming a step-parent can give you the chance to play a central role in a child’s life and strengthen your relationship with your partner.
“To start with, your partner’s child might feel shy or even uncomfortable around you. That’s OK. It might take a while for you and your partner’s child to find ways to relate that feel right to both of you,” the website explains that patience is key. “At times, you might also have to deal with negative reactions from the child’s other parent. This could affect how your partner’s child feels and behaves towards you. Also, you and your partner might have different ideas about raising children, guiding children’s behavior, balancing work and family, and so on.”
Building a genuine relationship with your future step-children will take time and effort. The more time you spend together, the more you’re aware of their interests and ambitions, the better you’re positioned to give them a helping hand and support them as they grow and develop. Meanwhile, speak to your partner about their kids’ (dis)likes, hobbies, and character. Remember: you’re supposed to be a team. And don’t take it personally if the bonds you’d like to see don’t develop as quickly as you’d like. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. NPR stresses the fact that you must be patient because it can take a long time for your stepkids to see you as their parent.
While you’re taking care of your family and remembering to spend quality time with them, remember to keep your own needs in mind as well to avoid exhaustion and burnout. Be sure to eat healthy food, exercise, sleep well, take walks out in nature, and focus on your hobbies and passion projects when you can.
Some internet users had great pieces of advice for the man
Here's what some other members of the AITA community told the author of the post
