Hey Pandas, AITA For Putting My Children’s Needs First And My Husband’s Last?

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I am currently separated from my husband (HB), and I need an outside opinion that isn’t biased. Some things have happened and I’m not sure how much I should weigh in.

We’d have a fight, then together we’d come up with a solution, but months later we’d have another fight because the solution we’d come up with didn’t work for him, or he would say he didn’t remember that we’d agreed to the solution. For example, we had a huge fight and agreed that instead of screaming at one another or saying things we didn’t mean, if one of us needed to leave and take a break for however long, we would leave the house. The first time, I left for a hotel for three days, and he said I abandoned our son. So the next time I left to cool off, I took my son with me to my parents. HB then said I took our son away from him just to hurt him, which is completely untrue.

HB complained every single day about how much he missed us, wanted our family together, and that he was so bored because he was done working by 1-2 p.m. with no one there. That summer, my son and I visited him (I was eight months pregnant) to see if we could move, provided I could get help for our son. From the first day we were there, HB suddenly started working later than he had been. He wouldn’t meet us at the town lake after work or spend time with us when he got home, saying he needed time to unwind. I would take our son to the playground so he could unwind. During his first week off, he made plans to go golfing with his cousin (who drove 14 hours to golf with him). He didn’t tell me he made these plans and he spent his first day off golfing. I forgave that, and we had our youngest and moved to where HB worked. However, we couldn’t get the help my oldest son needed, so the kids and I had to move back home. HB said I abandoned him and the family and didn’t give it enough time. Maybe I did, but my son needed help immediately, and we weren’t going to get it where HB worked.

I previously had a career and have gone back to college again to pursue a career that’s better for my back. We agreed that I would go back to school, and HB would quit his job to take care of the kids so I could attend school full-time online. By the time final exams came around, we had split. I had scheduled “parenting for a disabled child” classes for both of us. I completely forgot about the first session, but HB remembered and didn’t remind me. He screamed at me that I was a leech and didn’t have my priorities right when it came to the kids.

I’ve been getting help from daycare and pre-k/kindergarten for our son. The pediatrician said he should be around as many kids as possible for as long as possible. HB has always been against daycare, but I need the help. Everyone has told me that if I need help, I should get it. I have no family nearby and rely on daycare to help me survive while I manage my back pain, school, housework, meals, and appointments (doctor, speech therapy, occupational therapy). To this day, HB thinks I don’t want to be a mom because I take our son to daycare when he’s not in school. Daycare runs Monday to Thursday, and I pick him up at 3:30 or sometimes 4:00.

I have faults. My back is terrible, and I sleep sitting up, constantly waking up. I haven’t slept properly in years. I need sleep, or else I get grouchy and take it out on those around me. It’s not fair to them, and I realize that. When I’m exhausted, all I want to do is rest. HB has a huge issue with this and shames me for resting, even when it’s his time to be with the kids. I don’t drink, do d***s, party, or vacation—nothing. All I ask is to rest, and he’s still not happy.

When HB has the kids (two days a week since we split), he often takes them to his parents. Sometimes he’s there with them, and sometimes he leaves to go golfing. I don’t say anything because his time with the kids is up to him. Now, however, it’s an issue because he’s fighting for custody and wants primary custody, intending for his mom to help him. His mom and HB are all talk, no action. She had promised to help “get my son on track with his autism,” and agreed to have him one day a week for 4-5 hours. This arrangement lasted three weeks before she started forgetting and then said she was busy. After that, she never asked to help again, and I never asked her either. I’m not mad about her not wanting to help anymore—she’s the grandma—but HB and his mom now accuse me of not letting her help.

So, I need to know: am I a bad mom? Does HB want to be a dad? Does he want to be married?

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