30 Men Share Why Marriage Wasn’t The Fairytale They Hoped For

Not putting in the effort that is expected.

My wife put in all the effort and I didn't try hard enough.

Getting married when I was too young, 21, not old enough to know a lot of things that I should have known.

Being emotionally and psychologically abused by a narcissist....should have run many, many years ago.

Shockingly, not much. My marriage only lasted 5 or 6 years. I made a poor choice in women, or rather I ignored the red flags that were waving in my face like a Communist parade.

Thing is though, I wouldn't change any of the marriage part of it. My X-Wife turned out to be more awful that I thought though. When my gay kid came out (over a decade after we split), she actually told her "Why don't you try being normal" which still pisses me off to this day. But again, I don't regret the time I spent with her. It helped forge me into who I am. While it all went down in flames, I learned a lot in those few brief years and I ended up with a kid who I love with all my heart. She's the best part of my life. She also doesn't even see her mother anymore. Once that whole "be normal" thing went down, that was it.

I regret very little of my life. I've had a great one. Even now at middle age, I'm not going to sit here and look back wondering "what if?". Of course I could have made some better choices. A lot of them in fact. But as long as you learn from your mistakes, these aren't wasted experiences. I'm not the smartest guy in the room, but I never make the same mistake twice. And I feel like regret, wondering what might have been, fawning over the past, it's all a waste of the present. At least that's how I try to live.

Thinking that the things that bothered me about her would fade. Or she would change. Boy was I wrong. Every single surface is covered in c**p, I am about to divorce someone for being too messy.

I was manipulated into marrying a woman that turned out to be profoundly violently mentally ill. I knew she had issues but had no idea how severe. I should have trusted my gut instinct. The final time 20 years ago she was committed to a psych ward I grabbed custody and a restraining order.

Always trust your instincts.

My wife and I both agree: we got married because our families, and society in general, expected it. We have no regrets--our marriage is pretty good--but the relationship isn't *better* in any way for us being married.

Married or not, we're definitely happier together than apart, though.

Biggest regret is not pushing to meet her family sooner. We dated for 6 years long distance before I saw her mom and dad and sister interact at a dinner table.

It revealed so much about my wife’s behaviors, mannerisms, stigmas that I previously could not wrap my head around. Her parents were unbelievably toxic to one another’s and her sister was unhinged.

We’re still married and happy with a child on the way but it would have been nice to know about her family history of mental illness and her parent’s loveless marriage and all the neglect my wife suffered prior.

I remember talking to my dad about her and the best way I could describe her was that occasionally for weeks/months on end she turned into a house cat.

She would do nothing just eat and sleep, mindlessly watched tv and social media for 12-16 hours a day, refuses to do even simple tasks. And then like a switch she would be normal again and contribute as if nothing happened.

Turns out her mom is diagnosed with ADHD and depression, her sister is diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD and her dad is a literal hoarder and while not medically diagnosed has done some pretty messed up things that has me thinking he has no ability to feel empathy….

Not cohabiting first.

I don’t mean this in an “Aw sweet” kind of way, but I wish I’d just done it sooner. I wanted to have a good job before we got married. But getting married wouldn’t have changed that, except maybe making it a little easier for us tax wise. We’d been together for 6 years and knew about 8 months in we were done looking. But. I had stupid young man pride.

My other regret, and she agrees, is the wedding. In hindsight it was a stupidly expensive party we didn’t get to enjoy.

Not talking about boundaries before and ensuring I have enough space and time to myself.

Not divorcing sooner. I held out for years longer than was good for either of us and the children. It got ugly. In hindsight, I should have walked away with her saying that I gave up too soon rather than having put up with those last five years of truly vast quantities of money spent on marriage counseling that just made things worse, intense fights, bruises, concussion, and winter nights sleeping in the car.

Getting married so quickly. We got married when I was 23 and he was just shy of 25. We’d only been together 10 months.

We had always planned to get married, just not THEN.

But then his very proper grandparents said that we should get married or they’d be disappointed, essentially stop seeing us, and we’d see no help from them. To this day I’m not sure what kind of help they thought we wanted.

So we got married.

BUT…..been married for 21 years (together for 22) and very happy together so I guess it worked out in the end.

My gullibility in believing my wife and her family are capable of keeping their promises and saying what they mean.

Divorced here -

not trusting my instincts sooner.

I vividly remember telling her that she had the ability to "steam roll" my emotions and feelings. that was *before* we got married in 2001

cut to 4 years post divorce now in 2023, and her steamroller is larger and more abusive and meaner.

Thinking I could cure his depression and PTSD and not realizing that he never was in love with me plus total sexual incompatibility.

The money spent on it. Worst part is, I kept telling my wife we could spend it on a nicer honeymoon, or a house, or literally anything, but to no avail. She now agrees, and in general is better with money than I am, but for whatever reason, that wedding venue, food and everything created a blind spot for her frugality.

We’re married during Covid, so we didn’t get a wedding. Feels silly to do one now, but I hate that I missed out.

1st Marriage, no regrets about getting married with what I knew at the time, but I do regret how I handled her infidelity. I was far too conciliatory, and I think if I had been more firm with her in setting boundaries afterward, maybe we'd have actually made it (I doubt it, but in retrospect I think that was our only chance).

2nd marriage was just a mistake. We just weren't compatible. She's a good person, but we weren't good together. I knew this subconsciously before we got married, but I convinced myself that my misgiving were just "jitters." After I realized it (~6 months), should have ended it sooner (kept trying for 7 years-I/we had no chance).

I'm engaged now to a woman who makes me feel VERY differently about the relationship than I ever have, and this feels like "it's supposed to," if that makes any sense, but I still learned a lot from my past, and I'm using what I learned to make sure I don't repeat mistakes (I definitely accept my portion of the blame for things that went wrong-I've had a lot of time to think about them).

That this woman thought she owned my bank acct and should run my life and that I actually cooperated with her!