Having at least some boundaries is healthy for everyone. And it doesn’t just apply to your work or romantic relationships, either. The boundaries that we enforce with our extended family need to be present, too. Otherwise, you might soon find that you don’t have any privacy whatsoever.
This is what happened to one redditor, a bride-to-be, who recently turned to the r/AITAH online community for advice. The OP shared how her toxic and controlling mother-in-law tried to worm her way into her honeymoon. The author of the post finally had to put her foot down. Read on for the full story and the advice the internet shared.
Some in-laws are far too controlling for comfort and need to rein in their behavior
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One woman asked for help after sharing how her mother-in-law tried to insert herself into the honeymoon
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Image credits: u/[deleted]
Some controlling in-laws don't realize the effect their behavior has, however, others fully know what they're doing
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Toxic mothers-in-law spread negativity and add tension within a family. They can be controlling and manipulative. They can be passive-aggressive or even outright aggressive. They can try to tear you down with criticism, rudeness, and interfere in your daily life.
Having disagreements from time to time with your in-laws isn’t something to worry about. It’s common and, frankly, it can be healthy to communicate about issues close to everyone’s hearts. However, if these arguments are chronic and emotionally draining, something needs to change.
While some in-laws try to interfere because they genuinely love their kids and want the best for them, others have more nefarious intentions. They might dislike whom their children are dating and want that relationship to end.
They may want to control their kids' choices and to have them continue to rely on them forever and ever. Or they’re jealous that their children love other people in their lives, and want to sabotage this.
Having and enforcing healthy boundaries isn't something that anyone should feel guilty about
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Let’s say it plainly so that everyone gets the message. There is nothing wrong with saying “no.” There is nothing wrong with having boundaries. There is nothing wrong with wanting privacy. And there is nothing wrong wanting to spend your entire honeymoon only with the person you married… without any family members present in the background.
If your partner’s parents feel like they’d like to reconnect with them, there are endless opportunities to do so! Your honeymoon isn’t their only choice. Your parents-in-law could, for instance, invite the both of you on a separate vacation. Or they could have you over for dinner. Or invite you to an event for a cause that y’all care about. Or… Well, you get the idea.
If the relationship is frayed and tenuous, it’ll take a long while to (re)build. Taking things slowly, step by little step, is better than doing something dramatic.
The point is, someone trying to crash a happily married couple’s honeymoon probably has ulterior motives. Like exerting control. Or trying to undermine the relationship. Or maybe even using their goodwill (and cash) to enjoy a long, relaxing holiday away from all of their problems.
There's no substitute for open and honest communication
Image credits: Nicole Michalou (not the actual photo)
Nobody is going to draw healthy boundaries for you. It’s something that you need to accomplish yourself. The process is likely going to be awkward, uncomfortable, and you might feel guilty even though you’ve done nothing wrong.
It all starts by meeting up with the problem person and talking to them about how their behavior makes you feel and affects you and your partner’s lives. What’s important in these situations is that you have a specific goal in mind. You should aim to solve the issue, whatever it is, instead of making things worse or turning the discussion into a full-blown argument.
This means that you should actively listen to what the other person has to say. Even if they’re completely in the wrong, it’s essential that they feel heard, not ignored. Their perspective is still valuable because it gives you an insight into how they think (or how they want you to think they think).
The best course forward is to avoid blaming the other person for everything and anything. Once they feel attacked, you’ll have an awfully hard time coming to some sort of compromise. Though, in some cases, a compromise isn’t required.
If you plan to have minimal contact with the person, you can simply explain the situation and the consequences that follow. It’s up to you whether you tell them under what conditions your relationship can be normalized.
The vast majority of readers supported the author. Here's how they reacted and the advice they gave her
