Some people just can’t seem to empathize with others, no matter how hard they try. They’re probably only concerned with themselves and don’t realize how other folks are feeling. This makes it much harder for the people in their lives, especially if they’re already dealing with a difficult situation.
The mother-in-law in this story fits the bill exactly. Rather than empathizing with her daughter-in-law, who was going through an incredibly tough time, she chose to put the woman down and make everything about herself.
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When everything seems to be going wrong, the people who truly care about you should stick by your side rather than make things worse
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The woman had a miscarriage while on their family vacation, and even though she was in terrible pain, her mother-in-law was more concerned about not being able to go out
Image credits: user32601828 / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Rather than enjoying the vacation on her own, the mom-in-law sat around the house all day and complained, so her son eventually confronted her about it and put her in her place
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The poster explained that her mother-in-law was actually a good grandmother to their kids but sometimes had the tendency to say outrageous and hurtful things
The woman had been through a very traumatic situation after experiencing sudden bleeding while on vacation. When she rushed to the emergency room, she realized that she had lost her baby. Despite all of that, her mother-in-law wanted all the attention on herself and didn’t even take the time to consider how her daughter-in-law might be feeling.
To understand the actual physical and emotional toll this situation must have taken on the OP, Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Sarah Allen. She is a psychotherapist in Chicago, IL, and she has over 25 years of experience working with reproductive mental health issues.
She told us that “the physical effects of miscarriage vary depending on the stage of pregnancy and the individual, but bleeding, cramps, and pain can all be very uncomfortable to manage. The rapid hormonal levels drop can cause some physical symptoms, mood swings, sadness, anxiety, and postpartum depression-like symptoms.”
Dr. Sarah also said that “the most common thing I have noticed is that from the moment a woman sees that positive, result on their pregnancy test, they begin envisioning life with their new baby. This might be a mix of excitement, anticipatory anxiety about the unknown, or perhaps relief if they have been trying for a while to conceive. The loss of those hopes and dreams can feel shattering.”
Unfortunately for the OP, her mother-in-law didn’t understand the depths of pain that she was dealing with. Since the woman was extremely codependent, she didn’t want to go out anywhere without her son or daughter-in-law around. So, she stayed at home and kept complaining about her vacation being ruined rather than comforting the poster.
We asked Dr. Sarah why some folks are so unsympathetic toward those who’ve had a miscarriage. She said that “because it often happens behind closed doors, individuals who have never personally experienced it or known someone who has may be unaware of its emotional impact.”
“I have noticed that some people lack understanding of biology or the complications of pregnancy, framing miscarriage as avoidable or even attributing blame to the individual; a deeply harmful misconception. Some might dismiss it as ‘just an early loss’ or focus on the clinical aspects, unaware that hopes, dreams, and attachments often begin long before a baby is born,” she explained.
Whether the poster was deeply attached to her future baby or not, she definitely didn’t deserve the complete lack of empathy with which her mom-in-law had handled the situation.
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The only good thing to happen during the vacation was that the poster’s husband took her side and stood up to his mom. His confrontation probably made her reconsider her words because nobody else had really stood up to her before. The OP even mentioned that she didn’t feel as hurt by her mom-in-law’s behavior because she had set good boundaries with the woman.
Obviously, the way the husband’s mom handled this situation isn’t the right way to support someone through the difficult loss of their baby. So, we asked Dr. Sarah Allen how to properly support a person who faced a miscarriage.
She said that “every woman deals with their feelings after a loss in a different way, so it's crucial to offer personalized support by getting cues from the person you know and love. Some may need practical support as they may not feel physically or emotionally up to doing typical daily life tasks.”
“Other women may just need to know you care. Different women need different things, or the type of support they need may change as they go through the grieving process. However, genuinely expressing empathy to those going through a miscarriage really helps,” she added.
Some people might worry about what to say to the person going through a loss, but it’s always better to acknowledge the grief and find a way to support them. Dr. Sarah said that “simple yet sincere expressions like ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’ or ‘I am here to listen and help any way I can’ validate the person’s experience by acknowledging their loss and convey the support you want to give.”
The most supportive person in this story was probably the husband, who knew that his mom had gone way too far. Luckily, he stuck by the OP’s side and helped protect her mental health a bit throughout it all. Folks shared their condolences with the poster, and many also revealed similar personal experiences.
How would you have reacted if you were faced with a heartless in-law like this?
People were horrified by the mother-in-law’s comments and also felt that the woman should cut her off as soon as possible
Image credits: Pablo Merchán Montes / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
