A holiday is meant to be enjoyed thoroughly so that you get a well-deserved break from your normal life. However, going to another country or destination can be scary for some folks who worry about their physical safety.
In this case, though, it was not the people going on holiday who were anxious; a relative who didn’t come on the trip created all the fuss. Grandma liked being kept in the loop about every single thing her son did on holiday, but her daughter-in-law couldn’t stand having to constantly send such updates.
More info: Mumsnet
Vacations are meant to be fun and stress-free, but they can quickly become annoying if you have to give someone the minute-to-minute lowdown on everything you’re doing
Image credits: prostooleh / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The woman explained that her mother-in-law expected her and her husband to share the complete itinerary of every trip they went on so that she could keep track of their whereabouts
Image credits: boryanam / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster’s husband has always kept his mother in the loop about everything he did on trips and only forgot to do so once, which caused her to panic and phone their hotel
Image credits: teksomolika / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The woman found it intrusive to have to keep updating her mother-in-law every time they traveled, even though she understood that it came from a place of concern
Image credits: Gul8
When she told her in-law how uncomfortable it was to keep sharing their travel itinerary, the woman said that she only does it to check if her son and grandkids are safe
The woman and her husband are in their late thirties and early forties, which is why she felt that there was no need to keep telling their parents where they were, especially while on vacation. The one time that her husband forgot to keep his mom in the loop, she got so worked up about it that she called their hotel manager to locate them.
We can’t really fault the grandmom for being concerned about her family’s safety, but it’s important to understand where to draw the line. That’s why Bored Panda contacted Lia Huynh, LMFT, who has over 20 years of counseling expertise. She helps individuals and couples who are dealing with a wide variety of issues. She also made a video about how to deal with difficult in-laws.
We asked Lia if it’s normal to keep updating one’s in-laws about where you are or what you’re doing. She said that “it all depends on whether it ‘works’ for everyone involved. It was not a problem for the son when he was single; it was not an inconvenience, and everyone was happy.”
“If the wife was okay with him updating his mom, again, everyone would be happy, and this post would cease to exist. However, we do see that it is ‘not working’ because his wife feels the request is crossing her boundaries. At that point, the son needs to work out something where his wife can feel comfortable,” she explained.
We also reached out to Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a couples therapist and leader of the TX marriage retreat. He told us that “it makes sense your in-laws would like to know some general information about your trip, such as when you leave and return and where you'll be staying. However, needing more information than that is excessive and is overbearing.”
Dr. Wyatt said that “the in-law must work through their anxiety instead of making their child give them the full itinerary to lower their anxiety.” The problem is that the mother-in-law didn’t care how uncomfortable her demands made her daughter-in-law because her son kept enabling her behavior.
Image credits: benzoix / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster did acknowledge that her upbringing was different from her husband’s, and she found it tough to understand why he kept updating his mom about every little thing. She also told commenters that even though her mother-in-law i quite controlling, the woman does try to listen to feedback about her behavior and make changes.
Netizens advised the OP to find a healthy middle ground between setting boundaries and sharing important updates with her in-law. Dr. Wyatt also explained that the woman should “give her the basics, such as when they are leaving, returning, and where they'll be staying. She should then say that's all the details we'd like to share to feel like we have autonomy on the trip.”
Lia also told us that it shouldn’t be the OP’s job to alleviate her mom-in-law’s fears. She said that “if the wife brings [the issue] up and there is a conflict, the consequences could be long-lasting. She can work with her husband to talk about what information she feels comfortable sharing. Hopefully they can come to a compromise and it can be a win-win situation all the way through.”
It’s tough to set boundaries with in-laws because misunderstandings can easily happen, and things can get out of control. In this situation particularly, the OP’s relationship with her husband could also be affected if she remains too stubborn about the issue.
Lia Huynh explained that “most daughters-in-law want to have good relationships with their mothers-in-law. That’s why the wife should be understanding of her husband and not judge his mom or berate her or their relationship, but share her feelings about how it is making her feel and come up with a compromise. Hopefully, over time, it can be a win-win situation.”
You can’t possibly get along with everybody all the time, but you can try your best to do so while still holding onto your sanity. There are so many different things the OP can do to relieve her in-law’s fears without sharing every little detail. Let’s hope she implements some of these suggestions and gets to have a relaxing holiday soon.
Most folks suggested simple and less intrusive ways to keep the mother-in-law in the loop, and some told the poster to stay out of it and just let her husband keep updating his mom
