The fact that someone is biologically related to you does not mean that they deserve to be treated like family, especially after years of no contact.
Take it from this redditor, who refused to pay for her estranged mother’s heart surgery. The woman said that she “wouldn't pay as I wouldn't feel good doing that” after years of close to no contact with her mother. However, the situation still made her wonder if her decision made her a jerk.
Scroll down to find the full story below, where you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with a professor of communication studies at University of Nebraska-Lincoln, Dr. Dawn O. Braithwaite, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions on estrangement.
When health problems arise, family members are often the people we turn to first
Image credits: stokkete (Not the actual photo)
This woman was contacted by her estranged mother, who asked her to pay for her heart surgery
Image credits: 13people (Not the actual photo)
Image credits: Throwawayaita827
Sometimes, cutting ties with family members is the right thing to do
There might be hundreds of reasons to cut ties with a parent, since, as the mental health counselor and writer Jeremy Godwin pointed out, “having a difficult parent doesn’t come with a one-size-fits-all description”. In episode 221 of his podcast titled Let’s Talk About Mental Health, he delved deeper into the topic of growing up with problematic parents, emphasizing that with every parent, the dynamics and impacts are deeply personal.
“From a mental health perspective, the influence of difficult parents can be profound and far-reaching,” Godwin suggested in the podcast. “During your formative years, your interactions with your parents significantly shape your sense of self, your belief systems, and how you relate to others.”
According to Godwin, negative experiences with parents during the child’s formative years can lead to a wide range of challenges, including anxiety and difficulties forming healthy relationships, among other things. But in the OP’s case, the arguably more significant problem was lack of the parent’s involvement during her formative years, as well as later in life.
Image credits: Angel Balashev (Not the actual photo)
Some people who become estranged from their family members eventually reconcile
Despite the minimal contact between the OP and her mother, the redditor agreed to meet with her when she suggested that they give their relationship another chance. As a matter of fact—according to a 2023 study—as much as 81% of estranged adult children become unestranged from their mothers.
In a recent interview with Bored Panda, Professor of Communication Studies at University of Nebraska-Lincoln Dr. Dawn O. Braithwaite suggested that despite not being easy, it is possible to renew a relationship with someone you have fallen out of touch with. “It is challenging to re-negotiate a healthy relationship after being estranged. We need to learn to deal with the differences that drove us apart, learn what to do and say (and not), and handle any lingering hurt,” she explained.
According to the professor, relationships can come back together after estrangement, but it is important to recognize that these will be changed relationships built on new understandings; it will be important to establish trust.
“Re-negotiating a workable relationship after being estranged will likely be an ongoing process. It will take commitment to bring the relationship back together and move forward,” she pointed out.
“Talking through differences to clear the air may be helpful, but not always. It will be important to clearly communicate what we expect and need from the other person and what we are willing and able to say and do as we move forward.”
It’s possible to help someone without making any promises regarding renewing the relationship
During an interview for NPR's ‘All Things Considered’ program, psychologist Joshua Coleman seconded the idea that family estrangement is an issue that can sometimes be solved, as the majority of estrangements do eventually reconcile. However, that only happens in some cases; usually when the people involved really want to work on the issue, be it by going to family therapy, going to therapy by themselves, or taking responsibility.
“I think the biggest barrier on the parents' side is just not realizing how much the culture that they grew up with has changed, the idea that the adult child owes the parent something, that they're going to motivate their adult child through guilt or through feelings of obligation,” Coleman suggested, discussing the main obstacles that stand in the way of parents and adult children reconciling.
Unfortunately, in the OP’s situation, it’s unclear if her mother wanted to repair a broken relationship, or if she was planning on playing the obligation and guilt cards in order to receive financial support. Be that as it may, the redditor refused to pay for her surgery, which, seemingly, split the online community into camps, as while some supported her decision, others said helping her mother out wouldn’t hurt her.
According to Dr. Dawn O. Braithwaite, it is very challenging to establish trust and bring an estranged relationship together when an individual believes that the other person’s motives are more self-serving. However, it is possible to help someone without making any promises regarding renewing the relationship.
“Obviously, if a person is in contact for financial help or similar reasons, we might separate the decision to help from bringing the relationship back together,” she said. “We can choose help if we choose without making a commitment to repair the relationship right now.”
Image credits: cottonbro studio (Not the actual photo)
Quite a few people sided with the woman, saying that she didn’t owe her mother anything
Some netizens believed she should have given her mother the money for the surgery
