Raising kids never really gets easy; each age brings its own challenges. As kids become teenagers, they start developing their own identity. Sometimes, this might deviate from what the parents envisioned their kid would be like, but this is not really a reason for disowning them, is it?
This mother got mad at her daughter because her style didn't align with what she had in mind for her teen. The girl liked a goth and punk-inspired aesthetic, whereas the mom wanted her to be "a girly girl." The stepdad, caught in the crosshairs, asked for help from others: should he pick sides? And, if so, whose side should he pick?
A mom wasn't happy about her daughter's personality being the complete opposite of her own
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The stepdad, not knowing what to do, asked the Internet whether he should be taking sides
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Teenagers have to try out different things so they can develop their own identity
The teenage years are the period kids find their own identity. They try out different personalities, styles, hobbies, and sometimes even friends. It's all part of becoming their own person and preparing for adulthood. Teens often copy or imitate what they see around them: parents, grandparents, peers, and what's in the media.
Psychologist Dr. David Walsh writes how important it is to support a teen trying out new things. He claims that making a big deal out of things like dying their hair orange only incentivizes teens to rebel harder. "Don't make derogatory remarks about your teenager's appearance or the things they like to do," he recommends to parents.
Forming a strong sense of identity will help a kid in the long run. Trying on different hats like a new hair color, a new fashion aesthetic, and new hobbies like playing video games are all part of this process.
Associate professor in the Graduate School of Applied and Professional Psychology at Rutgers University, Joanna Lee Williams, writes that the best thing parents can do is offer their unconditional support during this time, keeping in mind the established rules and boundaries.
"Your children are experts on their own lives and their active search for answers to the question, 'Who am I?' is helping them gain even more expertise. Your role is to be a sounding board. You supportively listen to their growing understandings and developing thoughts. And you guide them when needed."
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Parents who project their dreams onto their children often do so out of their own insecurities or narcissism
It's one thing to dislike your child's personality, but wanting them to be like you were in the good ol' days is different altogether. However, some parents start to live vicariously through their children. That's how some kids end up in football or piano classes against their will.
Because they weren't able to become a star football player or a renowned pianist, parents wish for their kids to fulfill the dreams they once had for themselves. A 2013 study revealed that parents who see their children as an extension of themselves and not as their own person are more likely to project their dreams onto them.
"The child's achievements may come to function as a surrogate for parents' own unfulfilled ambitions," a researcher of the study, Eddie Brummelman, explained. "In this way, a sense of oneness with their children may compel parents to transfer their unfulfilled ambitions on to them."
For some parents, it might be hard to distinguish whether they're being this way. In their mind, they just want the best for their children: to be successful and happy. That's why helicopter parents are usually more prone to this. As they're micromanaging other facets of their kid's life, they also want to control what kind of friends they have, what things they like, and how they look.
Clinical Psychologist Susan Heitler, PhD, writes that it's also a trait many narcissistic parents have. "Narcissistic individuals are very focused on what goes on in their own head, and have minimal ability to hear that the other person has his own thoughts, feelings and preferences."
For the narcissist, any disagreements only interfere with their vision. When a child expresses their own personality, it only angers them. They don't see them as a separate individual with their own separate identity.
People pointed out that this wasn't just a mother and daughter bickering, and the stepdad later agreed he failed to see the bigger problem
People also urged him to take his stepdaughter's side
