People say that resentment can decimate a marriage. Whether it's about childcare, work, or household chores, experts estimate that 20% of all married couples experience marital distress at any given time. Sometimes, resentment might build at the cost of one partner's mental health.
For this woman, resentment started building up when she had to babysit a group of friends' kids while they and her husband went trail running. As it was benefitting his mental health immensely, she felt guilty for feeling this way, but couldn't hold it in any longer and decided to seek advice online.
A mom was feeling overwhelmed with babysitting on Sundays while her husband and friends go running
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After some months, she started to feel burnt out and noticed she doesn't like it anymore
Image credits: unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: FoxesFM
Moms take on the bigger part of childcare in heteronormative families
Image credits: unsplash (not the actual photo)
Raising kids really can take a village, and this story proves it. Even if you have family members and friends helping you out with childcare, it can still be a burden that weighs heavy on your mental health.
Sadly, the burden of childcare still falls onto the shoulders of women more often. During the pandemic, for example, the time mothers spent on secondary childcare (watching over their children while working, doing chores, or simply watching television) increased significantly.
This is just one example of how mothers are the default caregivers to children, whether it's when their spouses need "me" time or when there's no one else to care for the children. Women are also more likely to sacrifice their professional lives for family life. Women still spend more time on housework and childcare and fewer hours of paid work than men.
Parents turn to family, friends, and neighbors (FFN) to help them with childcare. However, often neither is an option. In one poll, almost half of American parents admitted having difficulty in finding childcare. And, as one study notes, only about one in four parents in America rely on an FFN caregiver for childcare.
Both parents need a break from looking after kids. They need time to destress, focus on their hobbies, or practice self-care. In the end, a burnt-out, fatigued parent is no good for a child. Parents need to be rested and healthy to provide adequate care.
There's a hobby gender gap for married moms and dads
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Many people in the comments under the story pointed out how the mom should get some free time on her own. And she admitted that she does; after a Sunday like that, she gets the next Sunday to herself having lunch with friends, going to the gym, etc.
And this illustrates an interesting point about how men's hobbies differ from women's hobbies. As creator Paige Turner, who often comments about the mental load and the challenges of motherhood, explained, men's hobbies take them out of the house, while women's hobbies often revolve around the family.
Men take up golfing, fishing, hunting, rock climbing, or, like in this case, trail running. Women, in turn, choose gardening, baking, reading, interior design, and such, which can all be done at home. Even if they go out to the gym or for brunch with their girlfriends, that doesn't take up the entire day.
Research suggests that's because moms have less free time than dads. Interestingly, married men in general tend to have more free time than their unmarried counterparts. In a heteronormative marriage, a man gains free time because household tasks often fall on the shoulders of the wife.
Husbands with children have approximately 25.7 hours of free time a week, while their wives have only 22.8 hours a week. Women, according to the researchers, are also more likely to socialize during their free time.
As Nia Carnelio observes in her essay on Substack "Are his hobbies more important than hers?", even during family get-togethers, when it's supposedly free time, women tend to spend time in the kitchen preparing the food for everyone. The men, in turn, sit by the grill enjoying a beer or two.
She also clarified that she doesn't feel taken advantage of: "I just don't enjoy my part!"
People had mixed reactions: some suggested asking for more help, while others suggested to either suck it up or quit the babysitting sessions
