“What Is Your Anger Trying To Tell You?”: Mom Shares A Phrase She Uses With Her Children When They Are Getting Mad

Emotional intelligence is as important as academic intelligence because our mental health and quality of life depends on it. Children should be taught to analyze their emotions and be able to control them, knowing what is causing them, from a small age when they are easily influenced so that they will have less problems in their adulthood.

One emotion that is hard to control is anger and it is also difficult for parents to teach kids how to do it when they themselves are angry that their child is not listening. Single mom Destini Ann has advice for these kinds of situations and her approach is based on gentle parenting.

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Bored Panda has already shared Destini’s advice before and you can find it following this link. In that article, the mom pointed out 3 things she doesn't say to her kids.

This time another of her videos went viral in which she reveals the secret of what to do when your child gets mad and starts throwing things or slamming doors. 5.2 million people have seen it, 1.3 million of them liked it and a lot of them commented, promising to try out Destini’s advice.

Destini starts with saying that being angry doesn’t automatically make you a bad person, as she was led to believe in her own childhood and teen years. But it is important to manage that emotion, so the mom tries to help her daughter “to acknowledge her anger in a bit more appropriate way.”

When she sees the anger escalating, Destini gets down to her daughter’s eye level and gently, but still with authority, asks her kid “What is your anger trying to tell you?”

With that question, Destini tries to teach her daughter that “anger is a signal that something is off.” It could be that her boundaries are not being respected or some kind of need is not being met and it is important to articulate that because it is not obvious to the parent what is wrong.

Destini also acknowledges that it is actually impossible for a parent to meet their child's every need, but it’s a lot easier to do if the child can translate those feelings into words instead of eye rolls.

We got in touch with Destini and she revealed what other methods she uses when her children are angry, "Offer empathy guesses if they can't articulate why they're mad. ex. 'I wonder if you're feeling angry because we didn't get to go to the store. Does that sound right?' Remind them that they're anger is safe with me and I can help them whenever they're ready."

However, the parenting coach doesn't think that there is such a thing as 'one size fits all' method and admits that this method might not work for any child and actually it doesn't work every time with hers. She adds, "I think what works in most situations is what is at the root of this tool and that's compassion and curiosity. Compassion allows me to treat her with respect and kindness and curiosity allows me to approach her anger without judgment."

In the video the mom mentions that she doesn't ask that question when her daughter is 'big mad.' She describes what she does in those cases, "I'll wait it out. I remind myself that her anger isn't an emergency. I just sit with her quietly and remind her of presence. I might say, 'you're safe' or "I understand' or 'I'm right here.' Then when she calms down and is thinking more clearly, we discuss what's beneath the anger."

AboutKidsHealth, a health education resource for children, agrees with Destini that feeling angry is normal, but it has to be controlled to not grow into aggression.

According to this research article, aggressive-disruptive behavior leads to under-achievement in school, need for special education and there is a higher risk for them to not finish school at all. Difficulties at school then mean they are more likely to be unemployed, experience financial stress and have problematic relationships with people.

The NHS points out the reasons why your child might be angry, such as being bullied, seeing others angry or feeling anxious about something. But they also acknowledge that it is not always obvious, so that’s where the parents should intervene and help them sort out their thoughts.

One of the ways to do that could be Destini’s method of asking questions that could direct your angry child to the cause of their irritation and try to solve that problem.

Gentle parenting is not easy, even if it might seem like that looking from the outside. But for the parents to be able to remain collected and not burst into yelling takes a lot of patience and self-control.

In another video, Destini expresses how hard it is because you have to get your children to cooperate with you, learn your values and be kind to people without forcing it on them because it won’t benefit them that way.

Destini explained how she remains collected and doesn't allow her own anger to get the best of her, "I'm very big on noticing my feelings in my body. When we are experiencing triggers, sometimes our bodies respond as if there is a greater threat than there really is. So you might feel your heart racing or you may start to feel your chest getting tight. All of these physical cues serve us when there's a real threat. But when it's just an angry child, they can cause a level of reactivity that is disproportionate to the situation. So I often find that if I can calm my body first, then I can respond with compassion and curiosity. I actually do this first before I even address my daughter. That might look like closing my eyes and taking deep breaths, massaging my neck, or lightly tapping my temples."

However, it is worth it because you build a stronger relationship with your child, based on understanding and giving choices, which leads to raising a healthy human being.

Do you agree or disagree? Have you ever tried Destini’s method with your children? How do you feel about gentle parenting in general? Let us know in the comments!