Family relationships aren’t always easy, and sometimes people grow apart. It might be due to neglect, conflict, or not getting along.
And if a family member passes away, it can be even more complicated. Do you attend the funeral? Is it rude if you don’t?
Mistreated all throughout childhood and kicked out of the house at the age of 18, he suddenly received a call about his father’s funeral.
A man said his family neglected him when he was a child and favored his twin brother instead
Image credits: alexandrumusuc (Not the actual photo)
He was asked to leave the house as soon as he turned 18
His mother contacted him after 32 years to tell him about his father
Image credits: stockking (Not the actual photo)
The man shared some more information about his situation
Image credits: freepik (Not the actual photo)
A significant number of adults are currently estranged from one or more family members
Being estranged from a family member is not that uncommon, yet many people shy away from discussing it.
“It’s still taboo. It’s quite a scary topic that people don’t want to talk about. They think it’s just something that happens to other people,” says Lucy Blake, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England.
In a recent survey, 38% of American adults said they are currently estranged from one or more family members. At least 16% of them said they no longer talk to their parent/parents.
For many, estrangement is about keeping themselves safe from physical and emotional harm.
In the same survey, 34% of people said they are estranged from a parent because of manipulative behavior. The same number of people said they cut off ties because of physical and emotional mistreatment. Another common reason cited was parents lying or betraying their kids.
“It’s usually about problematic parenting, like really harsh parenting, controlling parenting, authoritarian parenting. I don't think anyone has to stay in a relationship in which they don’t feel safe. Often, we think of physical… but emotional (harm) is just as important to talk about,” says Blake.
While some people feel guilt and loneliness (it’s usually more pronounced around the holidays), research shows that a lot of adult children feel happier and less stressed after cutting off a parent.
In a survey, four out of five respondents reported that there had been a positive outcome from their experience of estrangement. They felt freer and more independent, and were better able to understand themselves and their relationships.
Image credits: kayfochtmann (Not the actual photo)
When someone who’s been out of your life for a long time passes away, it can bring up a lot of mixed feelings
Questions like whether you should go to the funeral, how to honor them, or whether to stop bad‑mouthing them can all come to mind.
There’s no single rule, and it’s okay to choose what feels right for you.
Some people go to funerals to say goodbye and find closure. Others don’t because being there would just reopen old wounds.
“When an estranged parent passes away, how you react is a very personal choice. A range of emotions can occur — some may feel a sense of relief while others suffer a complicated grief,” says New York-based licensed clinical social worker Jennifer Bohr-Cuevas.
“To process the loss of an estranged parent, recognize that grief shows up as many different emotions. Validate and release your feelings. Create a support system. Seek out professional help if the grief is overwhelming. Most importantly, give yourself time,” she adds.
One way people sometimes honor a complicated relationship with a parent is by doing something personal instead of attending a funeral.
It could be lighting a candle, writing a letter to the person who passed, or making a private ritual that feels respectful on your own terms. These acts can help you acknowledge the loss without stepping into an uncomfortable room yourself.
“In one sense, I owe my parents everything in the literal, metaphysical and existential sense. But clearly, if I have survived some awful parental (harm), then presumably that means I have no further duty,” says philosopher Christopher Cowley from University College Dublin.
He says an ideal relationship between parent and adult child would resemble a friendship.
Image credits: New Africa (Not the actual photo)
Several people tried to help the man with different pieces of advice
The man thanked people for sharing their opinions
He said he called his brother and found out the real reason his mom tried to get in touch
Image credits: namii9 (Not the actual photo)
Image credits: Anonymous
See how people reacted to the whole story
