While theoretically all parents should be supportive, in reality not all are. Instead, some folks like putting their youngsters down. Sometimes through explicit criticisms, other times through more indirect comments.
Just like this mom, who keeps criticizing her adult daughter. Anything from the woman's clothing choices to her whole persona can be turned into her mom's criticism against her. And since usually all of them are said in quick comments, the woman wonders whether her mom is actually mean or just doesn't know how to phrase things better.
More info: Mumsnet
Sadly, some parents tend to be very judgmental of their kids, which leaves them feeling both confused and sad
Image credits: andreas / Freepik (not the actual photo)
A woman came online to ask whether people online think her mom's comments about her are mean
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
For instance, this mom comments that her daughter's clothing choices are ugly or implies she's a forgettable, unlikeable, and even pitiable person
Image credits: Liza Summer / Pexels (not the actual photo)
She also always compares her to her friends' daughters, who in her eyes are perfect all around
Image credits: 55j5
With all of these comments combined, it's no surprise the woman feels that her mom's remarks are much meaner than they might seem at first
The OP said that her mom typically comes off as a lovely lady. At the same time, her not-lovely side comes out too. In fact, it’s not simply unlovely, it’s nasty. And it manifests through some of her comments, usually directed towards her daughter.
For example, one day the author went shopping with her. When they were talking about the clothes that she bought, the mom said “It’s not like you have anywhere to wear them as you never go out.” And while, yes, maybe the original poster doesn’t go out as much, the clothes were pretty basic, not for going out.
Besides, everyone has a different idea of what “going-out clothes” look like. Here, as discussed on this Reddit thread, some people like to go out wearing “fun” tops, skirts, and jeans. For others, it depends on the place they’re going, the time, and so on. So, for this mom to judge the clothes her daughter bought was just plain mean.
Clothing choices aren’t the only thing this mom is mean about. Basically, she’s judgmental of everything her daughter does. And she doesn’t apply the same judginess to her friends’ kids of similar ages. She always gushes about them – how beautiful, fun, and rich they are. And she never says anything that nice about her daughter.
In fact, instead of saying something nice, she implies that her daughter is an unlikeable and forgettable person. For instance, she said that her old colleagues probably wouldn’t remember her and her university supervisor wouldn’t either. And if someone does, it's probably out of pity.
Image credits: gpointstudio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
So, it’s no wonder the woman questions her mom’s intentions with these passive-aggressive comments. They’re made too often to be an accident, so she likely has some mean motive, doesn’t she?
There are theories that some mothers are critical of their daughters because they’re jealous of them. Apparently, some moms perceive their girls as a threat, so they go out of their way to criticize them, diminishing their self-esteem.
The reasons why some moms are jealous of their daughters can be various. For some, it’s because of their looks; for others, it can be material possessions or achievements. Back in the day, when women’s opportunities were more restricted, daughters and moms had quite similar lives. But nowadays they have more opportunities, and so some mothers tend to resent their daughters for the different choices they make, thus ending in different lives.
On the other hand, some people in the comments disagreed with the jealousness theory. In their eyes, this mom isn’t as envious as she is disappointed. Maybe she’s in a parenting competition with her friends and her daughter’s choices aren’t helping her to win it. Still, being passive-aggressive to your kid isn’t going to help them improve themselves.
Passive-aggressive communication leads to people feeling misunderstood and lonely, and it all can negatively impact their mental health. So, basically, using this communication technique is doing more harm than good.
Well, at least the OP got the answer to her question of whether her mom's comments are mean. And yes, they are. That’s what Mumsnet users agreed on. So, now, perhaps she’ll be able to confront her mom about her mean-girl behavior. Or work out a way to not let these comments get to her. Either way, figuring this out possibly is a step further. And it’s always good to move forward, isn’t it?
Folks online supported the idea of the comments being mean and theorized why the mom keeps saying them
