Money For Nothing & Your Kids Go Free.
With the summer holidays upon us, we have seven long weeks to create entertainment for the nippers. Although this is great fun, it is, for the most part, blooming expensive. Sun cream, ice cream, buckets, spades, clubs, passports and God know what else, it all adds up to a pretty penny. So, this got me thinking, kids today have it far too easy.
In the 70's/80’s when we were kids, we had to make our own entertainment. You’d be out with your mates from the morning to tea time, with only your imagination to fuel the long days. If you managed to be in your mum's good books when the ding-dong of the ice cream van came around, then you’d consider it a right result. So how about this. If I told you that I’d come up with some ideas that you can entertain the kids with but also help you save and even make a few quid, then you’d think I was some kind of twisted genius, wouldn’t you, eh? - Well oh ye of little faith, pull up a chair.
1) You Can Banksy On It:
Raid the shed for any leftover pots of paint. Pack up the kids in the middle of the night, pop down to Teville Gate and create a huge mural about some relevant political issues or other. Actually, go one better and create a grainy video of them in action. Stick on a bit of ‘Massive Attack’ in the background, to make it more authentic. When you are done, phone the papers and tell them you’ve discovered a new Banksy. When the reporters hit the town in their droves, explain they can watch the video for a pound. Then grab a hammer, dismantle the mural and get the kids selling it to the highest bidder. Bingo! Loadofdosh and a big thank you from Worthing Council for thinking of a clever way to get rid of a massive eyesore.
2) Bug Off:
Dig for worms and bugs, stick them all in glass vases - Open up a ‘Bug Safari’ and charge people to come in and see them. Or, if you are so inclined you could start a protection racket and offer ‘insurance’ to mums that none of the creepy crawlies will be allowed to come home with their kids.
3) Sound As A Pound:
Gather up all the noise making instruments you can lay your hands on, grab the kids and head down to the middle of town, and proceed to conduct the orchestra in a medley of classic hits. Two things could happen. A). You could discover that one of your offspring is actually the new ‘Ed Sheeran’ and as such you are now set for life from the royalty payments. B). The kids make so much racket, that they attract a huge crowd and the grateful nearby retailers offer you a mega buckets contract to perform there on a weekly basis.
4) Trick Question:
Now, traditionally Trick or Treating has taken place on 31 October but rules are there to be broken. So don’t delay. Get the kids to slap on some makeup and hit the streets with big buckets ready to gather huge mouthfuls of liquorice all-sorts that will be handed over. Rather than allowing your kids to eat all the goodies, they've gathered (What am I a monster?). No, set up a stall, and launch a ‘Pic & Mix’ and flog them at a mightily inflated margin. With Woolworth's no more than a distant memory, there is a massive call for this to happen.
5) Little Brother:
Invite a load of the most obnoxious and attention seeking kids from your child's class round to your house, jack them up on cheap orange squash then set up a range of cameras and live stream it (After locking all the doors and retreating to the safety on the shed). Then live tweet the goings on as it descends into some toddler-sized ‘Lord Of The Flies’. This might, on the face of it, seem exploitative and reminiscent of a freak-show from a banned circus of the past, but it is, in fact, a perfectly legitimate social experiment, for which the world will thank you for. Chanel 5 will buy the rights and you will most probably get a book deal as your new position as a radical thinking child psychologist rockets.
So there you have it, five utterly fool-proof ways of making your summer holidays go with a bang. If you'd like to thank me, then mine's a half a Top Deck shandy.
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