In an ideal world, many people would like to have both parents present at their major milestones. But that’s not always possible. Maybe because of distance, divorce or even death. In the case of one teen, family drama put a dampener on her graduation day.
Her separated parents weren't on speaking terms. So she decided to uninvite her mom in favor of her estranged dad. In the end, neither of the parents attended. The mom took it to the internet, saying she felt hurt and betrayed. She posted further updates, revealing that months later, the entire family still wasn’t talking.
The single mom was very close to her daughter and had been looking forward to her graduation
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She was shocked when her child suddenly "uninvited" her and said she'd rather have her dad there, who she hardly ever saw
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The OP wondered if the lesson she'd set out to teach her daughter was worth the pain it had caused
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Even though the OP and her ex split before the daughter was born, it’s clear the separation had a major impact on their child. Throughout her life, it seems the daughter felt she needed to choose between her mom and dad. As the OP wrote, “She just told me I have been there for many of her milestones and she wants her father to experience some too.” While it was hurtful for the mom, it might not have been an easy decision for the daughter.
The Judicial Council of California has created an extensive handbook for families going through divorce or separation. In it, they note that children often feel the breakup is their fault. “When only one of the parents is involved in the child’s life after separation, the child’s self-image may suffer,” reads the guide. “Children tend to believe that the other parent isn’t involved because they are no longer interested in them. Children often feel this must mean they are not good, important or worthy of attention and love.” And this could be why the daughter was desperate to have her dad at her graduation. Even at the expense of her mom.
It’s well documented worldwide that divorce or separation can have a long lasting effect on kids
This research paper published in World Psychiatry is one of many documenting the impact of divorce. It states that parental separation increases the risk of child and adolescent adjustment problems, can lead to academic difficulties, disruptive behaviors, substance abuse, depression and other mental health disorders.
A separate Lebanese study published in 2021, found that teens with divorced or separated parents had higher social fear and avoidance, depression, and some even lost the will to live. According to the study, “one out of two Lebanese adolescents whose biological parents were divorced, separated, or deceased has a psychiatric disorder”. According to Pew Research Center, the U.S. has the highest rate of single parent households in the world. Almost a quarter of all American kids live with only one parent, usually the mom. The OP felt that since she had raised her daughter almost single-handedly for most of her life, she should not have been ditched for the dad.
Netizens weighed in on the family drama, with many divided about who was in the wrong
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The OP noted that her daughter had been going for therapy, and suffered from bouts of depression and outbursts of anger
As Choosing Therapy reports, it’s not uncommon for children of separated parents to experience anger. “Children often direct anger toward the parent who initiated the divorce–or who they perceive as being responsible for the divorce. However, their anger may also be more pervasive, rather than directed at any one person.”
Dr Marc Atkins is a professor of psychiatry at the University of Illinois Chicago. He says that children have to be able to express themselves, and each child will do this differently. “Children prone to moodiness may withdraw or become very sad or angry at times. Other kids who are more active and impulsive may become easily upset or act out behaviorally,” wrote Atkins on the university’s website.
He adds that parents might struggle to support their children if they’re dealing with their own sadness or anger. “Being there for them as best you can–and allowing other adults to be there too–is the best way to minimize the chance of this [divorce] becoming traumatic,” he advised. In the case of the OP, it seems both the mom and the daughter have issues of anger and hurt to work through.
In an update, the mom said she apologized after talking to her daughter's therapist
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In a second update, the mom revealed that yet another drama had played out and the entire family had not spoken in months
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Exhausted by family or in-law drama like this one? Visit our Family Dynamics Hub for expert-backed guides on toxic relatives, parenting styles, and personal boundaries.