Gender reveal parties exploded onto the scene in the 2000s, covering people in pink and blue confetti. And causing much controversy. The woman credited with starting the trend later said she regretted it, and felt she had "created a monster". But it was too late. People continue to host elaborate parties, to announce to friends and family whether they'll be "buying toy cars or Barbies" for the next few years.
One woman shared how a recent gender reveal event took an unexpected turn the moment the parents-to-be found out they'd be having a girl. Their disappointment was so massive, the party ended in tears. Bored Panda reached out to the woman and she kindly agreed to tell us more. We also spoke to Dr. Lindsay McMillan, a psychologist who specializes in gender disappointment.
There are many ways to make the big announcement at your gender reveal party, should you choose to have one
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For one couple, it was an envelope that contained a much unwanted surprise
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Image credits: Canva Studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman was surprised that her mother-in-law found the parents' reactions funny
The woman told Bored Panda she decided to post about the party to see if other people also found the parents' behavior weird. "My mother-in-law had told me the story while laughing, because she thought the reactions of the parents and grandmother were funny," said the woman during our chat. "I personally found their reactions a little disturbing, and wanted to feel validated for thinking it was weird."
She said she wasn't too surprised by the comments, but added that someone had asked why the gender reveal party incident reminded her why she's child-free. "I told them it's because I'm aware that my love for a kid would be conditional (dependent on their personality and other things), and I wouldn't want to put those expectations on a child."
The woman revealed in a separate online post that she'd had her fallopian tubes removed this year so that she remains child-free. Bored Panda asked her to elaborate a bit more on why she's against having children. "My biggest reason for being child-free is that I want to travel and have freedom. My childhood also wasn't great and I don't have the desire to raise kids nor the confidence to raise them the way they deserve," she replied.
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"Gender disappointment is real": an expert explains
There's a difference between gender and sex. Parents.com explains it like this: "Gender is a personal identity that exists on a spectrum, can change over the course of a person's lifetime, and—most importantly—is something that a person defines for themselves. Sex, on the other hand, is assigned at birth based on the appearance of a baby's genitalia. While sex assigned at birth often matches a person's gender (called cisgender), sometimes it does not."
Dr. Lindsay McMillan is a clinical psychologist who specializes in gender disappointment. McMillan describes it as "the emotional distress some parents experience when the sex of their baby does not match their deeply held hopes, wishes, or desires for a certain sexed child." She adds that the distress can come up in many ways, such as sadness, worry and grief, not just as ‘disappointment’.
We asked McMillan why gender disappointment happens. “Instead of asking why some parents feel distressed in relation to their baby’s sex, we might consider why a parent may hold a strong preference for their baby’s sex in the first place,” said the expert.
She added that preferences are shaped by many things, including cultural, familial, and societal influences, as well as the parent’s own personal experiences. “Sometimes the desire to have, or not have, a certain sexed child is rooted in pain or trauma which is not easily seen or understood by others,” McMillan told Bored Panda.
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"It doesn't reflect their feelings toward the baby": an expert unpacks the parents' reaction
McMillan says it's important for parents to remember that gender reveal parties only capture a moment in time, and that parents who face disappointment shouldn't feel like they're alone. "In therapy, parents will often describe to me how surprised they were at the intensity and depth of their feelings when finding out the sex of their baby," McMillan told Bored Panda.
She added that some parents-to-be have held a very conscious and clear preference for their baby’s sex, for a very long time. "This might not be as known for others, with assumptions of what would happen only coming up at the moment they become unmet."
McMillan said in the case of the couple in this particular story, "the parents’ anger and tearfulness likely reflect their immediate reaction to the gap between expectation and reality, rather than their feelings toward their baby. Parents may adjust quickly, or they may need time and support to process their emotions."
The expert added that it helps to have compassionate people around, who can help make sense of your feelings. It can be a partner, friend, family member or a mental health professional. "Remember, it's okay to feel the way you do," she said. "Finding the right support is an important step in navigating this often misunderstood, unspoken, and potentially isolating aspect of parenthood. You are not alone in this."
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Many won't openly admit to having gender disappointment
Author and psychotherapist Anna Mathur experienced gender disappointment during her first and second pregnancies. She says gender disappointment can cause feelings of guilt and shame, but adds that parents should realize these feelings are valid and deserve to be explored regardless of how long they are experienced for.
“It’s normal to have a gender preference. It’s the silence and the taboo that balloon it into a guilty secret,” said Mathur. “We all have our stories, histories and reasons, and some of them just take a little more making sense of than others.”
McMillan agrees. "The emotional distress of gender disappointment is more common than openly discussed and can vary in intensity," she told Bored Panda. "The imaginings of parents-to-be of what their baby and family life will be like is a universal experience, and the child’s sex can play a significant role in these visions. If how common holding a preference for baby’s sex was more openly acknowledged, the distress that can arise when reality differs might be better understood and normalized."
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko / Pexels (not the actual photo)
"PLOT TWIST, the world's first gender-reveal party baby is a girl who wears suits!"
Jenna Karvunidis threw the first gender reveal party in 2008. At the time, she announced her baby’s sex by cutting into a cake filled with pink icing. She blogged about it, it went viral, and the rest, as they say, is history. Soon, parents all over were following in Karvunidis’ footsteps.
But by 2019, the mother was singing a different tune. “Who cares what gender the baby is?” she asked in a Facebook post. “PLOT TWIST,” wrote Karvunidis. “The world’s first gender-reveal party baby is a girl who wears suits!” The post was accompanied by a family photo featuring her daughter wearing a pale blue blazer and pants.
Karvunidis said she threw the party in 2008 because "we didn't live in 2019 and didn't know what we know now." The mom added that "assigning focus on gender at birth leaves out so much of their potential and talents that have nothing to do with what's between their legs."
The woman gave some more info in response to curious netizens
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