It’s been said that you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. But what do you do when your family becomes unbearable? If you’re still living with them and too young to move out, you’re pretty much stuck, but once you’re out of the nest, there’s always the option of going no-contact.
This is the situation facing a woman whose stepfather is rude and arrogant and whose mother always stands up for him. After finally having one argument too many, she’s considering cutting all contact with her folks, and reached out to the Mumsnet community to ask if anyone has had a similar experience.
More info: Mumsnet
Relationships with parents can get rocky from time to time, but this woman's toxic parents take it to the next level
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION / Pexels (not the actual photo)
While things aren't the best with her mom, they're even worse with her stepfather, who barely speaks to her and is rude and ignorant when he does
Image credits: shurkin_son / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The woman’s mom always defends her husband’s bad behavior, saying it’s just ‘his way’ or laughing it off
Image credits: Gary Barnes / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Her toxic mom even gave away some of the woman’s belongings to her husband’s family, promising to replace them, but never did
Image credits: ElTortilla
She has finally had enough of her parents’ atrocious behavior and is considering cutting them out of her life, so she has turned to the web for advice
OP begins her tale of woe by telling the community that she’s never had the best relationship with her mother, but things got really bad when her mom married her stepdad shortly after meeting him 15 years ago. From day one, he’s always been rude to her and will frequently ignore her completely.
Whenever OP brings up his ignorant behavior with her mom, her mom laughs it off or tells her it’s just ‘his way’. OP goes on to add that he’ll barge in on conversations, completely change the topic, and regularly act negatively towards her.
Adding to her laundry list of complaints, OP says he’ll never say thanks for anything, such as when she pays for a meal, and, the first time she met him, he told her to shut up when she was speaking to one of his friends. Things got even worse when OP’s mom gave away some of her belongings to the stepdad’s family, promising to replace them, but never did so.
OP adds that her mom is very critical of her appearance and has insulted her for looking ‘fat’ on several occasions. She says her mother constantly reminds her of her failures in life and won’t make any effort to see her, even when she’s got nothing else on. OP concludes her post by saying that she’s considering cutting all ties with her problematic parents and is asking the Mumsnet community for advice.
Image credits: Liza Summer / Pexels (not the actual photo)
In her article for Talkspace, Minkyung Chung writes that dealing with any toxic relationship can be incredibly painful and challenging, but when the toxicity comes from your parents — the two people who are meant to show you what unconditional love is — it can be unbearable.
The term “toxic parent” describes an extensive range of bad behaviors, all of which undermine a child’s sense of self-worth, stability, and overall mental well-being. A toxic parent can be demanding, controlling, and over-critical, putting you at high risk for long-term physical and mental health issues.
Chung puts forward 21 signs of a toxic parent. Some of these include parents who are verbally, emotionally, or psychologically abusive, parents who always put their own needs first, and parents that are manipulative, self-absorbed, jealous, and disrespectful.
In her post for Carino Mental Health Counseling Services, licensed mental health counselor Justine Carino suggests a few ways to deal with parents that are toxic. Firstly, it’s crucial to set boundaries with them, clearly communicating your expectations and drawing a line in the sand about what behavior you’ll tolerate, and what you won’t.
Carino goes on to recommend creating emotional distance by reevaluating what you expect from your parents, choosing to share less information about your life with them, and coming to the realization that you aren’t responsible for their emotions.
Next up, you can turn to other people in your life for support. These may be siblings, friends, or even other members of your extended family. If you don’t feel comfortable with that, Carino suggests seeing a therapist to help process your emotions and learn additional coping skills.
Other useful strategies she lists include prioritizing self-care through exercise or meditation, recognizing what you can control, and letting go of what you can’t. OP would probably do well to investigate these options before cutting her parents off completely - that’s if she believes there’s still any hope for rescuing the relationships.
What would you do if you found yourself in OP’s shoes? Have you ever had to deal with toxic behavior from a parent? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, people shared their own horror stories of dreadful parents and encouraged the woman to cut all contact and even move away
