Love doesn’t mean blindly accepting our family members’ flaws. It’s because we love our family so much that we need to confront them when they get way out of line. Love means helping our relatives be better people, no matter how awkward and difficult the conversations are. And redditor Classic-Goose-8228 showed the internet that you sometimes have to do undiplomatic things to get your message across.
The 60-year-old redditor shared how her daughter-in-law’s mental health had been deteriorating because her husband, the redditor’s son, wouldn’t help around the house. At all! He convinced her to be a stay-at-home mom for their three kids, however, he’s unwilling to pitch in and help out with the chores. Despite the fact that his own mom and dad would split the housework fairly.
The redditor wanted to protect her daughter-in-law, so she shamed her own son in front of his friends when he continued putting his own welfare above hers. She then asked Reddit’s AITA community for a verdict whether what she did was right or wrong. Have a read through the entire story below and let us know what you think, dear Pandas.
Bored Panda spoke about dividing up chores at home with relationship and dating expert Dan Bacon, the founder of The Modern Man. He explained that it's essential to have honest conversations about practical issues like dividing up the housework so that "resentment doesn't build up" and lead to a break-up or to "unnecessary, ongoing arguments."
The expert pointed out that neither partner should force the other to do all the housework and that if the situation seems unfair to one of them, they need to resolve it instead of letting the tension build further. Read on for the rest of Dan's insights.
A redditor confronted her son in front of his friends because he was putting his own interests above those of his wife and family
Image credits: Flickr (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Classic-Goose-8228
"Housework used to be seen as women’s work only, due to a man traditionally being the breadwinner and the woman staying at home all day. Yet, in today’s society, if both the man and woman are working, it’s more fair, loving, and respectful for both of them to contribute to keeping the house clean. On the other hand, if a man is the sole breadwinner and the woman stays home all day, many people would agree that she should do most or even all of the housework. That said, no one actually ‘has to’ do anything in a relationship," relationship expert Dan told Bored Panda.
"A woman shouldn’t ever force a man to do housework and a man shouldn’t force a woman to do it either. Instead, the couple should honestly agree on what they feel is fair and then go with that. If it feels unfair to one of them, resentment will build up, arguments will happen and they will feel less connected and happy as a couple," he said.
The expert suggested that one way to start up a discussion about chores is by asking your partner why they think you should be doing all the housework. "Then, ask if they honestly think that is a fair, loving, and respectful way for them to be approaching the relationship," he said.
Meanwhile, Dan also offered Bored Panda some advice on how to tackle situations where you feel that you're stuck in a rut and feel like there's never enough time for family, work, chores, hobbies, friends, travel, and all the other wonderful activities that make life amazing.
"Have a conversation about how it seems like there’s not enough time to do everything in today’s life, but also point out that you want to enjoy a more balanced life. Then, have a discussion about what adjustments you can make, if any, to live a more balanced life," Dan said.
"Once you’ve achieved that, try to make some more adjustments and keep going until you feel like you have a more enjoyable, balanced lifestyle given the circumstances. Also, keep in mind the life of each family is different. It’s not possible to be exactly the same as another family, so be the best that you can be based on your circumstances."
The author of the thread posted some additional info about what she told her son during the confrontation
Previously, I spoke about the need for equality at home and sharing housework with award-winning activist and writer Elizabeth Arif-Fear.
“A woman should not be expected to be responsible for the home just because she is a woman. A couple needs to discuss chores based on working hours outside of the home and any other caring responsibilities that affect schedules and workloads,” she told Bored Panda in an earlier interview.
“If both partners are working full-time then they should be sharing the housework equally. Sadly, research shows that women still do more housework than men even when working. On a practical level, if a couple is committed to an equal level of partnership, drawing up a chore timetable can be useful, as can designating roles by working out who does what based on their likes and strengths,” she said.
“The woman deserves better and in this case, real communication, counseling, and reflection for deep change are needed around her role in the relationship. Change is possible—with communication and a division of chores if her partner is ready to change (and actively believes in this), but I would urge her to reflect on her role in and the value of the relationship,” Elizabeth told Bored Panda.
“In today’s world, looking after the home and/or children is a full-time job in itself and such work needs to be shared. Families often have to rely on two incomes and women have the right to pursue professional goals—something which their spouse should encourage as part of an equal partnership,” the expert went into detail about the division of housework.
“Being financially dependent on a man is not a healthy or safe option. Spouses must be equal in opportunities and shared duties. As working patterns have shifted with the economy in the past decades, outdated sexist attitudes also need to shift. A women’s role is where she wants to be—just like a man’s. It’s not her job to pick up or look after male relatives/spouses. If she chooses to stay at home as the family is financially able to manage on one wage, that must be the couple’s joint decision. Even then, there must be mutual respect, sharing of responsibility, and a fair equitable division of chores.”
Elizabeth also told Bored Panda about some exceptions. “Unless her partner is ill or there are other specific circumstances, change is needed. In such cases of illness or other circumstances (finances permitting), I would suggest bringing in home help such as a cleaner. A couple may decide to pay a cleaner, but this cannot make up for sexist expectations brought upon the woman. In a partnership, a couple should be equal.”
Most people thought that the mom did the right thing by standing up for her daughter-in-law
