Parents always talk about the “terrible twos,” when their toddlers relentlessly wreak havoc on their homes and patience levels. But let’s not forget that the teenage years can be quite tumultuous as well. Your daughter, who was once a sweet and loving child, has become unrecognizable. Seemingly overnight, she's been pumped full of hormones, has learned how to sneak out of the house and can effortlessly hurl the most offensive insults you’ve ever heard.
It's normal for teens to go through one particularly rough patch that makes parents want to rip their hair out before returning to their kind, true selves. But one mom, who has been dealing with years of unruly behavior, is now desperately asking the internet for advice. Below, you’ll find the mother’s full explanation of why she no longer wants to live with her daughter, as well as conversations with parenting experts Amy Morrison, founder of Pregnant Chicken, and Pamela Li of Parenting for Brain.
This mom has been putting up with cruel behavior from her teenage daughter for years
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Now, she’s decided that it’s time for one of them to move out of the house
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Engin Akyurt (not the actual photo)
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Later, the mom responded to several readers and shared even more details about the situation
“While some rebellion is typical during these years, the behavior detailed here goes beyond usual teenage defiance"
To learn more about the challenges parents must navigate while raising teenagers, we reached out to Amy Morrison, founder of Pregnant Chicken. Amy assured us that it’s perfectly normal for teens to go through a difficult phase. “I read a great analogy that compared the relationship between teens and their parents to getting on a rollercoaster,” she shared. “You know you're in for a big, scary ride, so you test the safety bars to ensure they will hold. Teens often test parents to see if they will 'hold' when they push against them.”
Pamela Li, founder and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting for Brain, also weighed in on the topic, noting that adolescence is full of physical and emotional growth, often leading to impulsive or even reckless behavior. But this particular situation is worrying. “While some rebellion is typical during these years, the behavior detailed here goes beyond usual teenage defiance,” Pamela says. “It has escalated into targeted and ongoing cruelty, which is neither normal nor healthy.”
Amy added that parents should start to be concerned when they feel they’ve lost control of the situation. “By control, I don't mean that you're controlling your teen, but you are no longer in control of your home, your boundaries, etc.,” she explained.
“In this case, the behavior has reached a point where it's impacting a family member's mental well-being, and professional interventions haven't brought about any improvement,” Pamela added, noting that the situation calls for urgent, decisive measures. The expert also told Bored Panda that behavioral problems are often disguised cries for help. “Though it's an unfortunate way to seek assistance, it's a signal nonetheless," Pamela says. "Rather than ignoring or delegating the issue to someone else, it's more constructive for the parent to engage with the teen and work through it together."
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“If you are a safe person, [teens] are going to test boundaries and push your buttons to see what happens"
“Since this change occurred three years ago, something must have triggered it, or an ongoing issue may be at play,” Pamela continued. “The parents must strive to uncover the root cause. The fact that the child's behavior is directed solely at the mother could indicate that the reason is connected to her, or perhaps the teen feels more at ease displaying this unruly behavior towards her.”
We also asked the parenting experts if they believe boarding school is a viable option for this teen. “I think it can be a great solution – it gives both of you space to be the people you need to be,” Amy shared. “That said, I don't think it should be used as a threat or a punishment, and it has to be viewed as a solution that improves the situation.” Pamela also worries that simply sending the daughter away may only change the problem, or even exacerbate it, rather than resolve it.
“If therapy hasn't successfully pinpointed the problem, it may be time to consult a different therapist,” Pamela added. “People connect differently. Find another professional to help the daughter and the parent resolve. Don't settle for a therapist who cannot help. Continue exploring options until the right fit is found. Don't abandon the child.”
Amy also recommends that the parents set boundaries, and refrain from taking their daughter’s actions personally. “Teens are still kids, and it's easy to forget that,” the parenting expert says. “If you are a safe person, they are going to test boundaries and push your buttons to see what happens. Be consistent, firm and fair. Take a moment to really examine if something really matters – if they don't want to wear a coat, do you really need to die on that hill or can you let it go?”
Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual photo)
“If the goal is to foster kindness in the child, demonstrate kindness towards them"
Pamela suggests that the parents avoid using punishments as well. “If the goal is to foster kindness in the child, demonstrate kindness towards them,” she says. “Should they overstep boundaries or speak cruelly, calmly point out the behavior and then disengage from the conversation or remove them from the situation.”
“The mental well-being of the parent is equally vital. If she continues to feel distressed, it indicates that her current therapist does not provide the support needed, and exploring other therapeutic options might be necessary,” Pamela continued. “It's undoubtedly painful to endure cruel words meant to hurt, but try to view them as a desperate plea for help. Something is amiss, and the child needs assistance. Don't give up on her. Continue seeking the right therapists or psychologists who can provide the right support to heal.”
Amy also wants to remind parents how difficult being a teenager can be. “You want to be independent from your parents, but it's almost impossible to do both financially and physically, and your hormones are raging on top of it,” she explained. “Give them as much space as you can, but be clear and consistent with the boundaries you set.”
We would love to hear your thoughts on this post in the comments below, pandas. Did you go through a similar experience when your kids were teens? Or were you more like the daughter when you were in your adolescence? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested, check out this Bored Panda article discussing what teens should understand about the real world next!
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Many readers shared messages of support and advice for the concerned mother
