Valentine’s Day Is Coming, So I Made These 35 Selfie Date Cardboard Cutouts At Sunset To Get You In The Mood

Cheryl was a dream come true. Really, other than her two tentacles for legs, she was everything I’d ever wanted in a woman.

I offered to drive on our date, but Supergirl said she knew a shortcut.

After our date, we went back to her place and things got…a little steamy. Honestly, I had no idea how I was going to satisfy her, but sometimes…you just need to dive right in and see what happens.

Rather than take me home, Hagela took me to her place out in the woods. She lived in a small hut made of sticks and mud, but we never went inside. Like two excited teenagers, we headed straight for the hot tub out back, and I jumped in. The hot water felt so good after the chilly ride, I just closed my eyes and inhaled the aroma of the fragrant steam. For some reason, it reminded me of my mother’s soup which was comforting. Then, through the smoke, I saw Hagela standing there holding what looked like a small wooden paddle with a naughty grin on her face. Oh, boy. This was gonna be fun. “Get in here,” I said.

It doesn’t get any better than sitting at sunset and playing “The Rainbow Connection” with your idol.

I was a little nervous to take Helen to the Zombie Ball. But after the first few dances, the more we talked and laughed, the less I worried about her eating my brain.

You know that feeling when you approach a new hippogriff…after you bow and he bows back, but before you actually touch him? Yeah, that’s scary every time.

I wouldn't call it a date. Bernie and I just sat and watched the setting sun. But we did connect enough for him to offer me one of his mittens.

Talk about a bad first date. I took her to my favorite restaurant, and she asked if I had any recommendations. "The chicken's delicious here," I said without thinking. And things got really awkward after that.

Bert and I got together to play cards, but he was so frustrating. All he did was talk about Ernie, Ernie, Ernie!

I took baby Rudolph to the flying animal park, and I was so happy to see him make a new friend right away.

Some women are just not meant to remarry.

My niece was down visiting me and I wanted to give her an authentic Florida experience.

As I helped him with his tie, I could tell Greg was nervous about his upcoming date. As he was 16 feet tall and was meeting a cute but stumpy aardvark for the first time, I could understand his apprehension.

"Ask me anything?" she said as we met in the warm water of the Gulf.
"What's all that mushy white stuff in your teeth?" I asked.
"Slow swimmers," she said and we both had a good laugh.
Then I got out of the water. Fast.

We met one night after work and she did not look happy. "Why the long face?" I asked.

When I accidentally pulled off Santa's mitten, I learned two things. 1) Why he always wears mittens, and 2) Why his last name is "Claws."

There's always time for one more selfie.

The Pumpkin Queen had long been sad,
A frown her only daily mood.
So when we met to start our date
I brought a better attitude.

I really wanted to impress the mermaid, so I went all out on the bouquet.