I am a person that tends to write down my feelings when they become overwhelming. Well the last day and a half, my feelings have started to get overwhelming and this is the side effect of that. Please remember that everyone struggles every day with problems that you cannot see. Please be nice to those around you. You never know what the struggle might be that day. Thank you for reading
3 Months Later
Have you ever had that feeling? The one where you feel lost and completely unprepared. Maybe it’s the first day of a new “big boy/girl job” or maybe it’s a college midterm that you didn’t study for because it was open book and you show up only to realize you forgot your book. That’s the feeling I get every day, in every situation. I am completely and totally lost. My parents died 3 months ago. Not one of them, both of them. They didn’t get sick and go to the hospital and I got to go visit them every day and know they were going to die. My parents went on a vacation to visit friends and just never came home. I never got to say good bye. The last thing my sisters and I ever heard from either one of our parents was a text message that read “Wish us luck, were going boating”. We all laughed. My parents died in a boating accident.
Not only did I rely on my parents for life lessons like, when was it appropriate to take my children to the doctor and when was it not, or how best to handle financial situations. I relied on my parents for everything. When I tell you that I would turn to my parents with questions like, “Which is the best light bulb to buy to replace the one burnt out in my bathroom” or what the best way to make a turkey sandwich was, I am, in no way, exaggerating. I relied on them for EVERYTHING.
To further detail how woven into my lives my parents were. I’m following in my dad’s footsteps and have gone into the same line of work as him. Not many people work in city Parks and Recreation, but without realizing it, I have spent the LARGE majority of my employment years working for a city parks and recreation department in one fashion or another. Sure I tried to go into something else, but ultimately I wanted to be my dad and I was REALLY looking forward to the day when I got to tell him that I was hired on as a Parks and Recreation Director. God he would have been proud of me. (Not that he wasn’t proud of me, I know he was). There was just something about telling my parents about an accomplishment. It made it feel so much better. Even if it was just fixing something small. I didn’t feel satisfied until I got a “good job” from my dad or a “What’s your next job” from my mom, because she always wanted more for me.
My parents raised three of the most independent children I know. Especially my sisters. Have you met them? They are amazing. The funny thing is, no matter how independent we all are. We are all, individually, COMPLETELY dependent on them.
I think of people who grew up without a mom or dad their entire lives and wonder how they did it. Who taught them all the little things that Mom’s and Dad’s teach. Like the proper way to iron a shirt or how to make perfect stripes in your lawn when mowing it. Then I think about both of my parents. Both of them lost their fathers over 30 years ago. I had that knowledge at my fingertips. I could have asked them any time and I never did. Because I never expected to need to. They were supposed to be in my life forever. They were supposed to see my children graduate collage, get married and have children of their own.
I think that, that, more than anything kills me the most. The fact that none of my children will remember their grandparents. Not only will none of them truly remember them, but my next child will never even get to meet them. I do believe in heaven, but that doesn’t help me right here, right now. It doesn’t make my parents appear in the hospital to hold my baby when he or she is born. My mom was in the hospital holding both of my babies. She wont be there anymore. She doesn’t get to spoil them on birthdays or holidays ever again. They don’t get to know that. They wont get to sit on grandpas lap, or get golf lessons from the world greatest golf teacher. Therefore, every single happy moment in my life will forever be clouded by the fact that my parents should be there. A feeling of sadness will immediately follow every single happy moment. (Please read those last two sentences again. I want you to read it again and truly understand what I'm saying) It may be brief and the majority of the time the happiness will outweigh the sadness. Nevertheless, it’s there, I can feel it, and it physically hurts.
Now, have you ever had that feeling? You know, the one where your talking to someone and you really want to sound cool and say all the right things, but that thought process ends up making you feel super self-conscious and you end up not really saying anything and hardly paying attention to the other person because your too busy thinking about what funny thing to say? I envy that feeling. I wish I was still sounding stupid because I was too busy trying to sound cool. Now that thought process of what cool thing to say next, is replaced with, “should I talk about my parents”? “Do they know about my parents”? “I wonder if they will bring up my parents”? and before I know it, its my turn to talk and I have no idea what they said.
When you ask me how I’m doing and I say “good”, I’m not good. When you ask me, how my sisters are doing and I say, “We are all hanging in there”. It’s one single thin rope we are all trying our best to grab onto. All I want to say is, “I’m horrible, because…. You know… my parents, best friends, guidance counselors, contractors, chefs, handy man, and all around do everything for me people, are dead”. However, that’s a little morbid and I know that’s not the answer you’re expecting or really want to hear. So…. “Were good” will have to do. I am toeing a strange line. On the one hand, I want everyone to treat me completely normal and go about “business as usual” so that I can get back to leading a “normal” life. On the other hand, I want nothing more than to just talk about my parents all day every day. Because that’s the majority of what I think about anyway. I want to hear stories about them, I want to tell everyone how amazing they were, and I want to live a life where they are still here. However, that’s not possible, and talking about them too much only hurts more.
I don’t write this, or ask you to read it to get your sympathy, or kind words. I do this so that in the future, if you interact with me, or if you interact with ANYBODY for that fact, and myself, or anyone else comes off a little bit rude, distant, or “off”. Their might be a reason. There may be something going on in their life that you either completely forgot about, because it’s not your life, or something is happening that you know nothing about. I don’t need to see a grief counselor, (so don’t ask). Some people do and that’s great, it takes a strong person to seek help. I know that I’m going to be OK, because I would NEVER let my parents down in that way. They expected a lot from us and my sisters and I got 10 fold in return. I will do everything I can to live the life my parents wanted for my family and me. I will make mistakes. I am the “mistake” child in every sense of the word. But my parents will always, in one way or another, be there to fix my mistake. They always have been and always will be. It will take some adjustments figuring out how they are helping me. But they are. It will not be as gratifying and physical as it once was. But they will always be in the back of my mind, telling me what to do and not to do. My sisters and I are, together, the perfect blend of my parents. Smart, kind and strong. Together, with our supporting cast of husbands, wives and children we will make it through all the roadblocks along the way and hopefully become even just a fraction as good of parents as ours were.
I love you mom and dad. I will tell you every day.
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