When you want to have a baby, there's nothing more devastating than having trouble conceiving. According to research, 9% of men and 11% of women in the U.S. have experienced fertility problems. Sometimes, it might be hard for couples to be happy for their friends who are lucky to conceive.
And this is exactly what happened to this woman. When she was pregnant, she was mocked for her pregnancy, and they called her baby "an accident." So, when they finally got pregnant, she considered skipping their baby shower to avoid constant comparisons, gossiping, and negativity. To make sure she was making the right choice, she asked for people's opinions online.
A woman faced a dilemma whether or not to attend her friends' baby shower
Image credits: AnnaStills/Envato (not the actual photo)
As they belittled and mocked her pregnancy, she felt it would only bum her out
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Image credits: Little_White_Raven
It's normal to feel jealousy and anger at friends when you're struggling to conceive
Dealing with infertility is not easy, and even that's an understatement. For couples who have wanted children from the very beginning, trying and trying again unsuccessfully can be devastating. When friends around you are having kids left and right, resentment might build up, even when you know you should be happy for them.
According to one study, 57.5% of women and 40% of men who deal with infertility struggle with depression. 42.5% of women and 57.5% of men also say that they experience anxiety. The researchers concluded that trouble conceiving affects women more than men, even if they're not the infertile one in the couple.
Image credits: Getty Images/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
It's common for couples to not even share their struggles with fertility. As a 2018 study shows, couples might feel isolated, ashamed, and even guilty, and prefer to keep it to themselves. It's not uncommon for them to drift apart from friends, attend fewer social gatherings, and feel like they don't want to spend time around people celebrating pregnancies and babies.
Experts say that things like attending baby showers and meeting friends' babies can be triggering for those who are struggling to conceive. According to Australia's Centre of Perinatal Excellence, couples can learn to cope with such difficult situations:
- They urge couples to allow themselves to feel jealousy, resentment, or anger. Pent-up feelings are only bound to come out in unwanted outbursts, so allowing oneself to feel these feelings in private instead of unloading on happy couples can help.
- Focus on things they can control. It's okay not to attend someone's baby shower or meet their baby if it's triggering. Experts say that many things are out of a couple's control as it is. So, choosing when to engage and when to stay home can give back some power to couples struggling with infertility.
Couples should be understanding and empathetic towards their infertile friends
In these kinds of situations, empathy works both ways. Those who struggle with conceiving have a right to feel anger and jealousy. At the same time, their friends who are pregnant or parents already need to arm themselves with patience, empathy, and understanding.
It's hard to know what to say and how to act around a person who's struggling to conceive when you have a baby yourself. Some might think that not telling friends about your pregnancy is a better way. However, Tamar Gur, MD, PhD, Perinatal Psychiatrist and Associate Professor at the Ohio State Wexner Medical Center, says that avoidance is a bad strategy.
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"The most painful thing for your friend is to find out that you're pregnant from someone else," she says. "This makes your infertile friend feel even more ostracized or alienated. It's best to tackle it head-on." But don't expect them to show joy – if you know their struggles, you should know that this news probably is triggering.
Sometimes, the friend may feel like they can't be there for you throughout this journey. And that's okay. But the friendship can and should survive, says Gur. "With direct and gentle communication, at a speed with which both friends are comfortable, progress can be made. And while there may be painful moments at times, there also will be sweet ones, as long as each friend is able to be authentic and kind."
Commenters urged the woman to cut contact with the toxic couple: "These people are not your friends"
Others shared similar stories about having trouble conceiving
Later, the woman updated readers about the decision she had made
Image credits: Kunpol_W/Envato (not the actual photo)
