Money tends to solve and create problems in life. And when you mix already complicated family dynamics with money, it can cause quite an implosion.
In today's story, a couple of elders loved living beyond their means and spent nearly all the money they could've saved for their retirement. When a health issue came up, they turned to their daughter for financial aid. That's when their emotional distance from their grandchild became a bigger problem than they expected.
More info: mumsnet
When is it appropriate to refuse to financially help your family members?
Image credits: Expect Best (not the actual photo)
An elderly couple loved living beyond their means and spending money on luxurious stuff
Image credits: GEORGE DESIPRIS (not the actual photo)
Then, one day, when they both were living off their pensions, the man learned he needed a knee replacement procedure
Image credits: Matthias Zomer (not the actual photo)
They turned to their well-off daughter for help despite not being that involved in her life
Image credits: DebbieDownerBB
Naturally, the daughter doubted whether she should give them money, knowing they once had a chance to save enough but blew it
The OP’s parents are in their mid-seventies. The mother hasn’t worked since her early 50s due to her poor health. Until then, she used to work part-time or self-employed gigs.
The end of her working career wasn’t the only thing that happened in this mother’s 50s. She and her husband moved overseas, where he was able to get a well-paying but physically hard job. He worked in this job until his retirement at 70.
Many factors determine at what age a person will retire. One of the most significant ones is the retirement fund. The more a person has saved for it, the earlier they might be able to retire. Yet, it should be kept in mind that, in many places, there’s a minimum age when a person is eligible to collect their social security fund. For example, in the United States, the age is 62.
Regardless, the average age to retire is 63-65 in the US and around 65 in European Union countries. While we don’t know what country the OP’s father is from, we can probably say that his retirement age wasn’t so far off from the average one.
Up until he backed out from the labor market, he used to make such good money for around 15 years. And for all these years, up until her early 70s, his wife used to manage their finances. Yet, it is questionable whether she did such a great job.
Generally, money management includes planning expenses, handling bills, and saving for the future, but this woman had a different image of how it looks. Apparently, she spent a lot of money on luxury stuff, like cruises, holidays, jewelry, and even cosmetic surgeries.
Now, the couple doesn’t have a lot of savings. They comfortably live day to day on their pension, but the mother is anxious about what will happen to her if her husband dies first.
Unlike them, their daughter, or the OP, is very well off. She moved out at 18, got a degree, and has already paid off her large student loan. Additionally, her husband earned enough money in recent years for her to be able to be a stay-at-home mom.
The daughter lives around a 12-hour drive away from her parents, while her brother is a bit farther away. Neither of the siblings is very close to their parents. For instance, the author’s child, who is already in primary school (probably somewhere between 6 and 11 years old), has met their grandparents only 7 times. And even when they meet, the grandparents don’t actively participate in the grandchild’s life.
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
One day, the couple learned that the father needed surgery. To be more specific, he needed to get at least one of his knees replaced. This kind of procedure replaces parts of injured or worn-out knee joints with metal and plastic parts.
He had problems with his knees for around 15 years at this point, and this surgery is supposed to ease his pain. The problem is that this procedure is supposed to cost quite a pretty penny. So, they asked their daughter for help. However, she is doubtful about helping them.
After all, they had quite a good financial situation but decided to live beyond their means. Plus, they even had great health insurance but decided to switch to another that doesn’t cover joint replacements. Basically, they keep making poor decisions and hope that their daughter will help them so that they don’t have to use the little savings they have.
Also, remember what we said about distant family dynamics? The mother’s gossipy and distant nature drove her family away. And so, no surprise, the daughter and her husband feel kind of awkward about giving her money.
So, the woman came to the Mumsnet forum to ask for advice on what they should do. Well, most of the people there thought that she wasn't obligated to help her parents. After all, they brought this problem on themselves by overspending. And they still have some savings left they can use instead of mooching off the daughter they aren’t even close to.
Some forum users didn’t really focus on the post’s problem, as they found the woman’s text quite rude. To be more specific, they didn’t like that she referred to her parents as boomers, which some people think is a very negative label. In her defense, the author later specified that she just wanted to clarify the generations that they all represent and didn't mean anything malicious.
So, if the author decides to listen to advice on Mumsnet, the parents will have to do a withdrawal from their savings. And that’s likely not going to improve the already distant family relationship. Well, maybe the elders will learn a lesson about the consequences of their actions, even though it's quite late in their lives.
She turned for advice online, where people told her that she wasn't obligated to help her overspending parents, who she isn't even close to
