Sharing a home with someone often reveals differences in certain habits, be it cooking, cleaning, or other everyday tasks they relate to.
Redditor u/Sea-Mousse2216_ likely knows that better than anyone else; a clean freak herself, she has to constantly nag her husband to follow personal hygiene rules. She recently opened up to the AITA community about it, asking if she was being crazy, and the internet didn’t think she was. Scroll down for the full story.
Bored Panda got in touch with an expert in relationships and individual differences, Associate Professor at the Department of Psychology at Michigan State University, William Chopik, who was kind enough to share his insight on the matter; you can find his thoughts in the text below. That's where you will also find some more details from the OP, which she shared in a recent interview.
Personal habits differ from person to person, which might become a problem when sharing a home
Image credits: Diego Lozano (not the actual photo)
This redditor started wondering if she’s crazy for asking her husband to take better care of his personal hygiene
Image credits: Sea-Mousse2216_
The showering matter has been a long-lasting battle for the OP
The OP told Bored Panda that the situation hasn’t really changed, but there have been minor improvements. “I still have to encourage him to shower,” she said in a recent interview. “However, he has gotten a bit better at just going and not arguing.”
The redditor revealed that the reason she got so upset was because it has always been an ongoing battle. “Ever since I met him I’ve always been the one to tell him ‘oh, you should go for a quick shower’ or ‘hun, you kinda smell a little of sweat, just go have a shower to freshen up’.”
“In the beginning he made up so many excuses and just wanted to sleep; nothing I said would change his mind,” she added. “Later on, he got so much better, I didn’t even have to ask him, but now since I've completely stopped hassling him, he’s gone back to his old ways.”
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Some research suggests that compatibility plays an important role in romantic relationships
It’s not easy to determine how significant compatibility is in a relationship; especially considering that no two relationships are the same. Though, a study of partner similarity and relationship satisfaction suggested that, among established couples, people who are similar to each other tend to be more satisfied with their partner.
It might come as no surprise—things tend to be easier to take care of when you see eye to eye, right? (Think similar eating habits, same level of cleanliness one maintains around the house, or the same amount of time it takes them to get ready, for instance.) “Similar people usually end up together, so it's common for people to have similar habits, likes, and interests,” Associate Professor at the Department of Psychology at Michigan State University, William Chopik, told Bored Panda in a recent interview.
But the expert added that—even though there might not be much research on the matter—different habits can be beneficial, too, in a way. “Living independent lives within a relationship can be healthy too and protect against too much dependence if relationships begin to sour. Ultimately, independent habits can be perfectly fine and healthy, assuming they don't infringe on the other person's life.”
Image credits: Anastasia Shuraeva (not the actual photo)
One of the reasons couples tend to fight over personal habits is their prevalence in everyday life
Prof. Chopik emphasized that the reason why personal habits often become a cause for fights is because of how strongly embedded into our everyday lives they are. He suggested that when it comes to situations similar to the OP’s, there are at least two perspectives about it. “First, if she communicated how important it is to her for him to shower, the hope is that he would listen and be responsive to this, because it would make her happy and show that he is receptive to her needs.
“Second, from some therapeutic perspectives (for instance, integrative behavioral therapy), from her point of view, it might be worth thinking about whether a fight about this particular thing is worth it,” he continued, adding that in this case, good questions to ask would be whether he is responsive to her in other ways and other times and whether this is the only or the biggest problem in the relationship. The expert pointed out that some problems might be better just dropped if bringing them up would be an antagonizing experience that could jeopardize the relationship.
Image credits: Vera Arsic (not the actual photo)
A strong relationship tends to be built on many positive specific instances
A member of the American Psychological Association and co-director of the Cerritos Psychological Center, Robert N. Johansen, suggested that when it comes to love and compatibility, it’s how one loves that is more important than who they love.
He suggested that romanticized compatibility connotes perfect love and somewhat unrealistic expectations, as opposed to the realities of long-term partnerships and marriage, which can entail conflict or dealing with imperfections and personal peculiarities. The expert emphasized that it is likely that over time, the person one commits to might unveil certain idiosyncrasies or flaws.
“When people are thinking about their relationships, they often base those thoughts on global evaluations (I love my partner) and specific instances (I love how they fix things around the house, how they're a good parent, how they treat my mom, how they cook this thing, how they make me laugh, I love their hair),” William Chopik told Bored Panda. “The hope is that a strong relationship is built on many positive specific instances, so that when one of those things goes (for example, the hair), the love remains, based on a broader set of things.”
Because of possible changes, Robert N. Johansen suggested that it’s important to focus on how we love more than who we love. “While characterological compatibilities in the person we love are important, in the longer term, how we love may be more important because who we love is subject to change, either actually or by changes that often occur in our view of our partner,” he wrote in Psychology Today.
After sharing her story, the OP provided an update to her fellow redditors, but she didn’t mention if the fights about showering altered her husband’s views on personal hygiene. She did, however, thank the netizens for the advice and opinions, which they shared in the comments.
Fellow redditors didn’t think the OP was crazy, they shared their opinions in the comments
